Look at you. You’re an old, fat piece of shit and you are not getting any younger or skinnier. Two nights ago you were drunk and slobbering and telling everybody about how 2009 was going to be “The year everything changes!”. Yeah, right. You and I both know your life is not going to be altered just because you had to buy a new calendar and are now forced to remember its a new year whenever you sign over a child support payment to your ex wife. It should not come as a surprise to hear that you are going to remain old and fat and stupid until you die. No silly resolution is going to change your life just like listening to The Shins will not change your life. You will only suck a little bit more each day.
So why did you bother drinking a bottle of champagne the other night and telling people you were going to lose twenty pounds and start exercising regularly? That was fucking dumb of you, you’ve probably already broken both of those resolutions. It’s been two days and you haven’t signed up for a gym membership, and you stopped at Burger King’s drive-thru window on your lunch break today. Way to go, jackass. You didn’t even last two full days!
The Top Ten New Years Resolutions You’ve Already Broken
10. Get Healthy – I love it when people announce they’re going to change their diets or stop eating junk food at a loud, obnoxious New Year’s Eve party, while stuffing their faces with pie and cookies and chips with dip. It’s the real world equivalent of watching an old western film and catching a glimpse of a modern helicopter not-to-subtly passing by overhead. No one ever gets healthy because they were drunk and decided they felt fat after a month of family-centric holidays. People choose to get healthy because they realize how much red meat is in their diet, or because they’re always sick. The healthy resolution is the biggest joke of all.
09. Have Sex More – So maybe you actually pulled off getting laid on New Year’s Eve. Good job, champ. You and a million other dudes found a way to safely take advantage of an inebriated girl. It’s really not worth bragging about it with your boys over breakfast the next day. She didn’t love it, she only let you pull out and drop your load on her tits because she was too drunk to speak straight. So when you tell your boys what a great night it was and how you’re resolving to have more sex this year, no one is going to take you seriously. Why? Because you’re not going to have more sex this year. You’re still the same pathetic guy you were three days ago. You got lucky. That’s it. Maybe you’ll get lucky again, at another dumb party, but that still won’t be a New Year’s Resolution come true. It will just be another opportunity that any dude with a semi-working penis and half a brain could take.
08. Spend More Time With Family – This is not “Leave It To Beaver,” and you do not have a perfect, fun, normal family. You hate your family. You’ve been struggling for your father’s approval ever since you signed up for Little League, and you’ve always resented your mother for running off with that guy she met at a PTA meeting. The last thing you’re going to do this year is spend more time with them. It just won’t happen. What’s more, you’ll probably move to a new city and forget all about them. After all, they kept holding you back from what you really wanted to do: dance. Now you’re in SF living the raging queen faggot life and having the best nights of your life. Spend more time with family? Ha! Nice resolution, queer-o.
07. Quit Smoking / Drop Drugs – I’ve been asking my father to stop smoking every year since I learned to talk. It hasn’t happened yet. I once tried to go a whole year without stealing pills from the houses of strangers holding large parties, and it didn’t work. No one who declares on New Year’s Eve their intent to stop buying cigarettes, pot, coke or whatever their favorite fix is ever succeeds. It’s a fact of life. You’ll stop buying cigarettes after your first big scare, like when your doctor has to remove polyps from your throat or nose. You’ll stop using drugs once you’ve been arrested. Until then all of these stupid resolutions are going to fail, because you are a huge failure.
06. Change Jobs – Face it, you’re stuck. You chose to go to college and put yourself on a path, and now you’ve got some mundane career that you hate. I do not pity you. I went to college too, but you didn’t see me putting myself on a path to employment, and I’m barely existing above the poverty line and loving life! Sure, I can’t do any of the exciting and fun things that normal people do, and I have to work every weekend so I can’t drink and watch any sporting events…but I…Ah, fuck it. I want to change my job too. Unfortunately, there are millions of other people who have lost their jobs in recent months and now they’re competing with me for every job I apply to. As for you…fuck you, you’re not going to change your job! Suck it up and stop being such a pussy about everything.
05. Take A Vacation – Yeah right. You’re chained to your desk or the person you’re dating, there is simply no time for you to go on a trip this year. You know what? I’d like a vacation too, but you don’t see me complaining about “never going anywhere,” because I’m a realist. I make resolutions I know I can keep — like sleeping with three foreign models per day every day of the year. Plus, the economy sucks.
04. Settle Down – Fuck you. No one out there could stand to be with you for more than five minutes. You’ll never settle down; you’re a worthless sack of shit.
03. Grow A Beard – This was my resolution in college. It obviously didn’t work, because I’m hideous and nobody wanted to look at me, with or without a beard. Now it’s your resolution, and I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you it’s the stupidest fucking resolution I’ve ever heard. What are you, a fag? Make a real resolution, pussy.
02. Educate Yourself – You’re a dumb sack of shit. Trying to teach you something new would be more difficult than finding a Jewish girl who will fuck you without a long-term commitment.
01. Enjoy Life More – Fuck you. You’re halfway to death, the economy sucks, and you can’t try to grow facial hair without some pretentious blogger calling you a homosexual. You’re not going to enjoy life anymore this year than any other year of your pathetic life. “Have more fun,” you say? How about you resolve to just survive 2009. I’m sure it’ll be hard, what with how retarded you are, but I think if you really apply yourself and tell yourself at every minute “I have to not die right now,” you might live to see the end of this new year, and start of the next decade.
Vaseline’s – Molly’s Lips
Misfits – I Turned Into A Martian
Queen – Lazing On A Sunday Afternoon
Mick Turner – Part I (The Moth)
