Ok, this one hurts a little bit. Someone in this article has gone ahead and called “Top Ten” lists one of the worst journalistic achievements of all time. I guess it’s a good thing I don’t consider myself to be a journalist, right!? No. It still hurts. Lists are more than just expedient devices for retelling information, they’re a method for taming my obsessive compulsive tendencies and also sharing all the weird granules of information in my head. “There are a lot of enthusiasts out there on the Internet with arcane knowledge and deep interests, and they want to share…and it’s great, because it’s from real people, not some celebrity endorsement or self-help guru.” Yeah, whatever that guy said! I’m real people! I’ve got deep interests (in things like “what to say on a first date” and “the best underground records of 1971”). Fuck the pretentious douche who says, “You won’t see the New Yorker doing it.” Fuck him in his eye! I don’t care about the New Yorker!
Just to shove this down that guy’s throat, Here’s a brief list of the best lists of all time. The Ten Commandments aren’t on this list, because the article mentioned them in passing, and I don’t want anything to do with that article. I’ll use my own lists, thank you very much!
Top Ten Lists Of All Time
10 – Martin Luther’s 95 Theses – Dude sparked the Reformation. I guess that doesn’t matter to this asshole journalist though, because it was “just another bullshit list.” That’s not a direct quote, but that’s what I imagine the turd who wrote this piece of shit would say about it.
09 – The U.S. Constitution – There are seven original articles and twenty-seven amendments. That makes it technically a list, right?
08 – Santa Claus’ good/bad list – So the song goes, he makes his LIST and checks it twice in order to tell who is naughty and who is nice. Well, without Santa Claus’ little list, there would be Christmas Chaos and bad kids everywhere would get guns and money, and good kids would get lumps of coal. Is that really want you want in your list-less world, you anti-listite bastard.
07 – Fredrich List – He developed the National System, a macroeconomics philosophy that pretty much ran our country from the Civil War until about fifty years ago. But according to the people quoted in the article against lists, this guy was completely useless.
06 – RX List – Their website has a pill identifier, so you can type the imprint on the pill and it will tell you exactly what you’ve been given by that weird guy at the bar who said he had unlocked the secret to having a good time all the time. Or, you’ll know when your friend tried to pawn you an antihistamine instead of fentanyl citrate.
05 – Hollywood Blacklist – In 1947, the House Un-American Activities Committee investigated Communist influence in the film industry, and wound up blacklisting ten people who were members of the American Communist Party. That’s just one blacklist. Blacklists are some of the best lists, and if we’re to do away with lists, we would, by extension, be doing away with blacklists. That’s not cool! They’re fun!
04 – Craigslist – Imagine a world without Craigslist. Where would I go when I can’t sleep and want to read the “casual encounters” personal ads penned by psychos across the globe? Craigslist is easily one of the ten best lists in the world.
03 – Schindler’s List – I suppose he was an idiot, because he used a list. Let’s see the New Yorker save a bunch of Jewish assholes without using a list. For fuck’s sake!
02 – The Phone Book – It’s a list of people and their phone numbers (“The White Pages”) and then a list of businesses and their phone numbers (“The Yellow Pages”). Sure, it’s a bit archaic what with the Internet and everything, but could you imagine a world in which it was impossible to find the number of a person or place? I sure can’t. It would be unbearable. Think about it. We need lists.
01 – The To-Do List – Without a “To-Do” List, I would be lost. I would wander around in a daze not sure exactly where I’m going or what my purpose is. Having the ability to write down an ordered series of actions that need to be taken is what gets me through life. Otherwise, I wouldn’t remember to eat, shower, shave, get dressed…you know, any of the life processes that normal humans instinctively do each day. I’m no ordinary human. I need lists to get me through life, and for that reason they will never ever have their sanctity called into question by some punk journalist.
