If you recall, I made a promise on Monday to counter this list of ten things to stop doing in your 20s with my own list. For those of you who did not read the original post, some slut journalist who writes for the Sun Journal left me unfulfilled with her shitty, woman-centric list. I was kind of hoping she’d Google herself and stumble across my critique of her article, so that she and I could bond over our love of top tens and hatred of twenty-somethings. Then we’d totally fuck and I’d never call her. Alas, I guess it wasn’t meant to be. Enough of this preamble, let’s take a look at the real list that Miss Cocktease should have written.
Top Ten List Of Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s
10 – watching SNL – First of all, if you’re home at midnight on a Saturday, there’s something wrong with your social life. There’s no reason for you to be in the vicinity of a television at such an early hour when you’re in your twenties. Second of all, the show sucks. Watching SNL is like being anally raped and then killed. It’s a double dose of retardation. Not only are you a complete loser for being home in time to watch it, you’re a complete loser who clearly doesn’t have a sense of humor. You might as well take a bottle of pills and just end it. Your life isn’t going to get any better.
09 – no more sensitive music – Listen guy, I liked Sunny Day Real Estate once too, but it’s time to put away the sensitive music with lyrics about how people “feel” and start expanding your horizons. Try listening to more jazz. Those guys were way better musicians than The Decemberists or Bright Eyes could ever be. Once you’ve tried jazz, try the blues, or twentieth-century composers. You’d be surprised how much good music is out there that isn’t all “woe is me” and gay. Your days of feeling bad about yourself are over. You gotta get your life in order, and that’s just not going to happen if you keep listening to Pinkerton.
08 – drinking vodka – Hey, welcome to adulthood. We drink bourbon and beer here. We wouldn’t be caught dead drinking shit like a Sea Breeze or an Apple Martini. The only time it’s ever okay to drink vodka is if you’re a woman, or if you want to have a Bloody Mary to wash down your breakfast. Generally speaking, the hierarchy of spirits goes something like: gin, brandy, vodka, tequila, rum, whisky/bourbon. That’s ranked from worst to first. If you want to have a vodka-tonic maybe once every few months, that’s okay, but save that shit for when you’re retired. The only people I know who order vodka drinks are my alcoholic aunts and uncles, and they’re all well into their 60s and 70s.
07 – using condoms – Condoms are for weary high school girls who are too dumb to realize that their boyfriends aren’t experienced enough to carry STDs. Once you reach your twenties you can pretty much quit using them. The only time it’s ever okay to wear a condom is if you’re a huge fucking slut in a place like Camden or East Saint Louis. If you’re worried about pregnancy, just pull your shit out and come on her tits or her belly or her lower back or whatever. I hear it’s pretty hard to get knocked up when a dude ejaculates all over his girl’s chest.
06 – hallucinogens – There’s a time for losing touch with your mind, and it’s called before-your-twenties. Once college ends, if you’re still taking LSD and psilocybin there is something wrong with you. You’ve probably got one of those Peter Pan complexes I’m always talking about, where you want to stay in a perpetual state of youthfulness. Well, I’ll tell you one thing, you’ll get a lot less pussy as a fan of psychedelics than you would if you just drank, smoked and used blow like everybody else your age. Once girls hit their twenties, they start caring about shit like “what does he do for a living” and “can he afford to buy me new shoes?” They don’t want to nurse you for eight hours when your head is fried. If you want to go all shaman and experiment with peyote or mescaline, you can try those once, but repeated usage is unnecessary. Also, it’s even more uncool to use heroin once you’re out of college. Just use pills instead.
05 – cut out your parents – They’ve been nagging you pretty much every day for your entire life, I think it’s time you let them go for a few years. Give ’em the X and stop returning phone calls or e-mails or whatever method they use to try and keep in touch with you. It’s time to grow up and become independent. You don’t want your friends to call you a mama’s boy, do you? Maybe in 2009 you can call them up and meet for brunch, so you can take care of that initial weird emotional get-together where you talk about your differences and repair whatever bridges you burned by not speaking to them. Until then, just make them wait.
04 – don’t flake out – You’re not getting any younger, so you might as well all enjoy the opportunities you have to go out and do shit with your friends. The general rule is, if someone asks you to do something, you should go ahead and do it. Who knows, it might be fun. The only exception for this rule is if you’re flat-broke, in which case it is okay to turn down someones offer to go out for drinks or to see a show.
03 – getting excited about shit – Listen, you’re in your 20s now. You know what’s up in the world. Is there really any reason to get super-excited about anything anymore? The new Radiohead album? Come on, dude. Who gives a shit. That new movie? Whatever, you’ll catch it for free once it hits the Internet. iPods and iPhones? Jesus, what the hell is wrong with you? There’s nothing worth getting excited about except for pussy (if you’re a guy) or dick (if you’re a girl). And even then, most of the time it’s not going to work out anyway. You’re going to regret ever being infatuated with the person in the first place. Excitement is for children. The rest of us have already perfected twenty-something ennui. We’re jaded as fuck. Quit living like a kid and hop aboard the bullet train to Cynicism City.
02 – having enemies – What is this, middle school? You can’t go to the bar because someone might be there? You don’t want to check your voicemail because he or she might have called? Get over it! I can think of a million other things that fill me with anxiety than coming in contact with people who I don’t particularly like. Most of them are illnesses, but that’s not the point right now. The point is, act like a grown-up and just put on a superficial smile to show everyone what a cool person you are. Don’t get all introverted and act like a pussy. I’m not saying it’s wrong to dislike people, I’m just saying it’s wrong to act like a fag about it. No one cares what you think, anyway.
01 – borrowing shit – Once you reach your twenties, you’re no longer allowed to ask your friends for anything other than advice, and you shouldn’t give them anything of yours other than advice (or a piece of your mind if they’re acting like a douchebag). This isn’t a school cafeteria and you don’t “need a dollar for those soft-baked chocolate chip cookies.” This is the real world, where people who hit you up for money are never going to pay you back, and when they ask to use your iPod or car they’re probably going to break it. Maybe this is just my own experience, but I tend to never let anybody borrow anything because it always ends in disappointment. Take my advice (I’m offering — which is different from lending — and it’s okay to offer somebody money, or buy them a meal if you just got a paycheck), don’t ever let anyone borrow your shit, and don’t ask them to borrow their shit. End of story.
