Some girl named Melissa who writes for a publication called the Sun Journal is totally trying to steal my cold, black heart and turn it into a pile of lovey-dovey mush. My dick is totally crushing on her right now because she devised a top ten list of things to stop doing in your 20s. And she’s in her 20s! We have so much in common, what with our disdain for our peers and or love of top ten lists! How come I haven’t thought of this idea yet? I don’t know, but I’ll bet that together this girl and I could attain some kind of Top Ten power couple status. I’ll bet that once she reads my top ten lists, she’ll be begging me for anal. Anyway, that’s enough idle chat about my desire to plow girls I don’t know in their butts, let’s take a look at her list and comment on it!
First of all, she’s listing things in ascending order, which is a total Top Ten faux pas. But I’m willing to look past that. I took a moment to look up her name on Facebook, and she doesn’t look like a fat chick, so she can rank her Top Ten however she wants. I still love her. Sorry, I’m getting sidetracked. Let’s look at the ten things we need to stop doing in our 20s.
“1.” Wearing High Heels Everyday – Got it. Check. I don’t wear heels as it is, but now that Melissa has told me not to, I’m going to make damn sure I don’t fall into such a heinous routine. See, the problem with making this “1” on the list is that it implies it is the number-one most-important thing on the list. And this can’t be further from the truth. That’s why I’ve decided to put all her numbers in air quotes, because they’re not accurate. Maybe I’ll re-rank her list and e-mail it to her…with an attached picture of my dick. No, don’t do that Evan. Remember what happened last time…
“2.” Carrying The World On Your Shoulder – Wait a second. Why do both numbers one and two begin with the word “Women.” Is this list just for women? Shit, what the fuck am I doing reading this garbage. What is this, Cosmopolitan? I thought I was reading a newspaper, not some retarded feminist rag. Way to alienate half of your readership, Sun Journal. And what the fuck, you don’t use “carry the world on your shoulders” as a metaphor for stress? You’re using it as a euphemism for purses? Ugh. I’m losing my hard-on here…
“3.” Binge Drinking – All right, fuck you. I hate your list. We’re so broken up right now. Nothing is more attractive than a girl who can handle her alcohol, why are you trying to petition for conservative, puritanical bullshit like “don’t drink until you black out” and “blah blah blah liver cancer blah blah?” I thought you were a cool chick, but really you just want to roll back to the clock to Prohibition, and I cannot willingly support you in such a stupid crusade.
“4.” Smoking – Okay, this one I have to support, because nothing is as unattractive as a woman smoker. Think about it. How gross do you feel when you see an ashtray of stamped-out cigarette butts smothered in some weird shade of old-lady lipstick. You know it was just peeking out between the pursed lips of some gravelly voiced dyke-y woman who probably joins bowling leagues and has broader shoulders than you do. Women should not smoke. Women are delicate flowers (for me to defile) and I don’t like my women smelling like cigarettes.
“5.” Tanning/Skimping On Sunscreen – Agreed! I always get on my sister about this one, because she spends half of her waking life in tanning salons trying to pull some reverse Michael Jackson shit. It’s really not attractive when a girl alters her natural skin tone to the point where she looks unrecognizable. It’s not hot when anybody looks like a sun-crisped mongoloid.
“6.” Using Credit Cards Without Care – Maybe I should forward this to my sister…she’s the reason I keep my credit cards hidden. I can’t stand the idea of using money I don’t have to pay for goods and services that I don’t need. There is something inherently wrong with the notion of credit and “buy now pay later,” because I never really know if I’m going to have money later, and I don’t want to accrue any debt ever in my life. Credit cards are a bad idea. Use cash, and only pay for what you can afford. It’s gotten me this far in life, and I’m doing just fine.
“7.” Wearing Heavy Earrings Too Often – Here’s another stupid effeminate thing on the list. Who gives a shit about earrings. Nobody in any previous generations ever cared about their ear lobes, or needed “lobe surgery.” What the fuck kind of vain procedure is “lobe surgery?” Just wear your God damned earrings and get on with it.
“8.” Forgetting Sunglasses – What the shit does that mean? You want me to stop forgetting my sunglasses? Fuck you, I’m not a god damned robot, I can’t be bothered to remind myself every time I leave the house, “Do I have my sunglasses with me today? I can’t forget my sunglasses, because MELISSA TOLD ME NOT TO!” Look, that’s what those things in the car are for. The things you fold down to block the sun when it gets in your eyes. I can’t remember what they’re called right now, but they serve the exact purpose you’re talking about.
“9.” Ignoring Calcium Intake And Diet – I can understand the ignoring calcium thing because women get osteoporosis, I guess. But what exactly do you mean by “Ignoring diet.” Are you saying that people shouldn’t diet? Or that they shouldn’t eat? It’s a bit ambiguous if you ask me. I’m just going to assume you mean “stop eating,” because that’s what I’ve been doing since my late teens and I’ve made it as far as my mid-twenties and I feel okay sometimes.
“10.” Turning Up Your iPod Too Loud – I actually agree with this one. I love the fact that I can hear well and haven’t lost much of my auditory abilities, even after years of attending loud rock shows unprotected (I never wore earplugs until last year, but I wasn’t exactly “unprotected” at rock shows because I always put a condom on before leaving the house at night — it’s just one of my rules). I recommend everybody wear earplugs all the time, and listen to music at reasonable volumes, because someday you’ll go deaf and you won’t be able to laugh at my jokes anymore. Then I’ll really be the only laughing at me.
All in all, this was a stupid list. I no long have a crush on the article’s author, and no longer wish to penetrate her posterior with my penis. But please come back this Friday, when I present you with my own list of Top Ten Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s.
