Hello, Friday. I was working-out this morning, and the old Russian man was there, walking and watching TV. He happened to be watching K-19: The Widowmaker. He was watching so intently I couldn’t tell if he was really psyched about it or really angry at it.
Yesterday being Kristie’s 21st birthday, I decided to join Ken and Z in taking her to Hott 22 for some late-night dirty strip club goodness. It was quite hilarious, as you might expect. I have a hard time being in strip clubs, because I’m usually overcome with depression and pity when I watch girls put their legs behind their heads and spread their vaginas 4-inches in front of my face in the hopes of earning a dollar. For the first few minutes we were there, Z and I stood at the juice bar trying not to make eye contact with the dancers. A young girl with a lisp who called herself “Lizzie” came up to me and started making conversation, but I made the fatal mistaking of announcing that I had no money. Z put his head in his hands and cracked up as the girl asked what we were doing there without money. I said it was our friend’s birthday, and pointed to Kristie.
“Does Kristie like girls?” Lizzie asked.
“Oh, Kristie? She likes everyone,” I responded.
“No, but is she into girls?” Lizzie prodded.
“Well, I don’t know,” I said, fully aware that she’s not into girls, “I think she’d be into you.”
With that, Lizzie left us poor schmucks and hit-up Ken and Kristie, who were sitting stage-side. A few minutes later, I had an identical conversation with another stripper, called “Kiera.” After insulting Kiera with the “no money” speech, I decided to get over my pity and enjoy the show from up close. And I did enjoy it, when a good looking girl was dancing. I looked away when there wasn’t, because I didn’t feel right watching for free (moral dilemmas at a strip club? who am i?). Luckily, Ken gave me two dollars so I could “go wild” and not feel like such a douchebag. As the club was closing, Kristie got a birthday lap-dance from Lizzie. Boy did she look uncomfortable when “Lizzie” was groping her tits.
There was a running TOP TEN going throughout the evening, so that’s what I’m going to share with you today for my weekly installment.
TOP TEN THINGS YOU DON’T NORMALLY HEAR IN A STRIP CLUB
10 – “I’m here for the music; I love this DJ” – We walked in and Ricky Martin was blaring on the stereo system. I didn’t realize they even had a DJ until almost an hour later, when Ken asked one of the dancers whether or not the DJ would be willing to play the CD he was holding.
09 – “Yeah, but does she enjoy Su Doku?” – Because… well … I like my girls naked, but I also like them to be intelligent and cultured. Sometimes it’s just not enough for a girl to be writhing in front of me and spanking herself. I mean, it helps…but let’s be realistic here — my perfect match has lots of different hobbies.
08 – “We’re together” – A dancer came up to Z while we were standing at the juice bar, and she giggled and pinched his side and asked him what he was doing standing in the back. He, of course, looked at me and said, “we’re together.” Although I didn’t mind the comment’s general comedic value, I sort of minded the fact that I was “outed,” when he could have pointed to Kristie or Ken. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m not gay.
07 – “Oh, that doesn’t look right…” – No one said this one, but if I was a girl, and a dancer, and I was buck naked humping the air within smelling distance of a patron, I wouldn’t want to hear this. It might make me feel a little self-conscious. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me. Conversely, if I was a male patron with working knowledge of anatomy or diseases (I’m not), I’d feel really bad about calling attention to a potential health issue in a public place.
06 – “You’re pretty like my mom.” – I said this at one point, in reference to a quickie that was on MTV’s The State back in the day. I don’t think the dancer heard — which I’m kind of glad about — so I turned and said it to Z instead.
05 – “Where’s the pool table. I thought you had a pool table here?” – Because everybody knows playing pool is way better than staring at naked women. That’s the real reason men go to strip clubs.
04 – “Where did you get those shoes?” – I’m pretty sure it was Kristie (but I guess it could have been Ken?) who asked this to a dancer. It lead to a pretty long conversation that included names of local stripper apparel outlets and some embarrassing tales of falling on stage. See, strippers are people too! Just like you and me! Only…they never went to college, and now they dance naked for strange, drunk men.
03 – [disgusted] “Ugh.” – Z said this fairly early in the evening as a full-grown woman (read: cellulite) placed her delicate flower an inch from a large man’s eyes. The tone and cadence of the comment was enough to send me into hysterics.
02 – “If I was a serial killer I’d kill that one.” – said, of course, by Z. Not sure what the impetus was exactly, but it was followed almost immediately by his saying, “I’m not a serial killer.” I don’t know, it sounded like he was trying to convince himself more than he was trying to convince me.
01 – “Do you have a MySpace” – Poor, sweet, naive Ken. He stuck around a few extra minutes to ask one of the dancers if she was on MySpace. If you’d please — a moment of silence and a slow shake of the head “no” as a show of remorse for Ken’s blind optimism.
