Spending an afternoon with Ken is like a real-life Seinfeld episode. In a plot line eerily reminiscent to George’s obsession with ordering miracle hair-growing cream from China, Ken continually shared tidbits of advice he’s received in e-mails from a famous pick-up artist. Naturally, every cute girl we passed reminded Ken of a different e-mail hint. As we left Wegmans, Ken’s last ditch effort to spy on one particular cute check-out girl through the window of the building lead to my saying, “Remember Ken, it’s like (name of famous pick up artist) says, ‘Always know when the evening is over.'” I guess you had to be there.
FRIDAY TOP TEN!
advice for being noticed by (and consequently bedding) ladies
10 – ignore her – If you’re at a bar, and you see a cute girl hanging out with her friends, spend time talking to her fat friend. Even if they’re all thin, try to determine which one is the fattest and make nice conversation with her. But keep your eyes on the cute girl. This has the same effect as tending to a sick puppy. It makes you look like a living, breathing, non-profit organization. Talking to a fat girl shows you’re in it for the personality, not just the sex. Unfortunately, the fat girl might start to think you’re into her. If you start getting this vibe, quickly end the conversation, walk over to the hot girl, and joke about how, “your fat friend thinks I’m into her.” Laugh at the fat girls expense. There, now you’ve got something in common. Pussy time.
09 – reference your junk – Girls love cock. Ever since Eve, they’ve had cock – and danger – on their minds. So talk about yours. Give her every last detail. It’ll make her hot. No matter how turned-off she looks, no matter how many times she tries to change the subject, you KNOW she’ll be loving every second of it and be unable to stop thinking about it. Girls have one-track minds. That’s why they have the uncanny ability to plan their entire day around what time “The Real World” is on TV.
08 – speak with an accent – I’m not exactly sure why, but I see a lot of personal ads for girls who are interested in a man with an accent. If you can’t perfectly imitate a British, Scottish, or Australian accent, just make one up. She’ll be so amused by your mispronunciations, she won’t have any opportunity to notice all your glaring faults. Whatever you do, don’t imitate a Spanish accent. Spanish people are generally believed to be dirty, disease ridden bums.
07 – baby her – Lots of women have “daddy issues,” so if you treat them like a little girl it’s going to make them that much more into you. This technique takes a bit of skill. You have to channel the spirit of Steve Martin in Father of the Bride, or a straight Bob Saget on “Full House.” If she had a father, be constantly imparting sagely advice. She’ll start to look up to you, see you as a fatherly figure, and for some reason become attracted to you. I know, I think it’s a little weird, too. If she had a bad relationship with her deadbeat dad, or didn’t have a father, drink a lot and call her a bitch. She’ll LOVE it.
06 – enthusiasm – The trick to first dates is keeping the conversation rolling. You have to approach each topic with the fervor of a coked-up Top 40 DJ. In fact, a good idea would be to blow a few rails right before the date, so by the time you pick her up you’re already bursting at the seams. She’ll see your enthusiasm as a definite sign that you’re into her, when in reality it’s all chemical, baby. Don’t let the conversation end. Be the life of the party. Pick your cliche! Oh, and make sure you don’t ask leading questions just because you want her to ask the same question in return. Be aloof. Talk about random topics and make her unsure about your origins. Only show her the very basics of your personality and make her prod to find out your history. Be like a cross between James Bond and a fortune cookie.
05 – confidence – “Women love confidence. Just be confident. You know what? It doesn’t even matter! Just be confident. Just be all…”I know what an airplane is! Yeah, I know what an airplane is. That’s right.” – Eugene Mirman
04 – lower your voice – I don’t mean “lower your voice” as in “whisper,” I mean add some bass to it. Get some of that Isaac Hayes, Barry White shit going on. She’s going to think you’re so full of manhood she’ll be practically begging for you to take her right then and there. Now, she might actually be one of the few smart girls that exist, and catch on to your ruse. If she asks you if that’s your real voice, you must not become shy and admit the truth. Women hate liars. You have to continue to play the part, at any cost. Even if you two start dating and get married, you’d better not fucking ever stop talking in that booming basso.
03 – laugh at her – Bitches want to be made to feel inferior. It’s true. When they’re in their twenties, life is nothing more than fucking a bunch of dudes before they inevitably start to worry they’ll never get married, and settle for some Type-B rich geek. Because of this innate desire to be demeaned repeatedly, you should be laughing at her and making fun of her. She’ll whine and say, “stop it!” but it’s just a put on. In fact, any time a girl says “stop” she really means “don’t stop.”
02 – eye contact – Contrary to popular belief, it’s much more effective to look a girl directly in the eyes than it is to stare at her chest and say, “huminahuminahuminahumina.” Try staring as deeply as you can. Look so intently you actually catch a glimpse of her soul. Try to get that wide-eyed Charles Manson googly eye thing going as well. She’ll be yours quicker than you can say, “My name is (name), and I’m hung like a gazelle.”
01 – don’t try too hard – Bitches know when you’re desperate. If you attack them with all ten of these tidbits at once, you’re going to look like a complete psycho rapist scumbag. And that’s not going to get you laid. Instead, you have to learn to adapt to a given situation and only use the techniques relevant to the particular situation in which you’re stationed. You might want to print this out and keep it in your pocket to refer to on dates. Just in case you’re still unclear about dating ethics: It’s okay to date your cousin if she’s higher than a 7, and unprotected sex with a minor is legal if she’s really, really cute.
Well, you’re ready to go out and pick-up ladies. Let me know how it goes. And remember, you’re the man, you hold all the cards. If you work the girl over just right, you’ll only have to endure a few of her meaningless anecdotes before she’s drunk enough to take you home for some afternoon (or evening) delight. Good luck, and godspeed!
np: Starland Vocal Band – Afternoon Delight
