I was going to (finally!) unleash my list of the ten best burgers in Los Angeles today, but I got sidetracked. A few very important articles were brought to my attention this morning, and I think it would be more timely to respond to those than to post a list that I could theoretically post any time I want and it would still be fresh and new and fun and informative. Burgers are a year round thing. Scary movie baby names? That’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
In January of 2008 I published my Top Ten Baby Names For Boys And Girls list. In March of 2009 I published my Top Ten Movies To Watch On Friday The 13th list. And today, in July of 2012, it is both Friday the 13th AND two articles were published today about popular baby names in America. What if my two Top Ten lists had a baby? What if ‘LOST’ and ’24’ had a baby? Hey, remember The Event? Call me, Sara Roemer!
The Top Ten Scary Movie Baby Names
The premise is simple: since Americans are turning to trendy and ridiculous baby names more and more often these days, why not help out by offering some obscure movie character names to use? I mean, you could have a kid today — on Friday the 13th — and not want to call it Kierson or Arya Stark of Winterfell. You might want to call it something else entirely, like a character from a barely-known horror flick. Here, I’ll help.
By the way, I’m using mostly ’80s horror movies because we’re due for another ’80s revival soon. It’s been a couple years.
10. Pluto – “Pluto” was the name of Michael Berryman’s character in Wes Craven’s ‘The Hills Have Eyes II’ a 1985 horror flick. I know that film hasn’t aged too well (and the remake that was produced in 2007 wasn’t much better) but that’s exactly why it’s a great movie to use as the basis for naming your child. Plus the kid will grow up with a badass story about his name. It’s not like you’re naming him after a shitty Disney character or a dwarf planet that kind of got annexed from the Milky Way in recent years…it’s Pluto! He was the fifth-billed character in a Wes Craven movie!
09. Glen – “Glen” was the name of Stephen Dorff’s character in the 1987 smash hit ‘The Gate,’ a movie about an entranceway to Hell that opens in the backyard of a suburban family’s home. Also known as the movie where the guy has an eye in the middle of his hand and he stabs it. That part always made me queasy as a child. What better way to remind yourself of something that made you want to throw up once than to name your firstborn after it. And Stephen Dorff isn’t that bad an actor, right? He’s been in some stuff. He was in those vampire movies with Lawrence Fishbourne I think. Was that Lawrence Fishbourne? What was the name of those movies, anyway? Oh, wait. That was ‘Blade’. And it was Wesley Snipes. Sorry about that. Stephen Dorff also played the boyfriend of Britney Spears in one of her music videos. Talk about a resume! Plus, Glen isn’t a bullshit trendy name like Gatsby or Caia
08. Ferdy – “Ferdy Meisel” was the name of Tony O’Dell’s character in the classic robot slasher flick “Chopping Mall,” which was featured alongside ‘Troll 2’ and ‘Jeepers Creepers’ on my list of some of the shittiest movies you could watch if you want to turn your brain off and enjoy some terrible excuse for art. What better role model for your kid than the character who claimed to have seen ‘Dirty Harry’ 24 times when asked if he knew how to use a gun? No way Ferdy is gonna get HIS ass kicked once he enters the local school system. Nope. Not at all. He’ll probably be a football star, with a name like Ferdy…
07. Rennie – “Rennie Wickham” was the name of Jensen Daggett’s character in the Academy Award Winning (nope) ‘Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. You might remember Jensen from her role as Nancy Taylor on a little TV show called ‘Home Improvement’. Or maybe her star turn as Maggie Reynolds in ‘Major League: Back To The Minors’ caught your attention. Maybe not. By the way, how terrible was ‘Jason Takes Manhattan’? He wasn’t even in the city until, like, the last scene of the movie. What a crock of shit. Anyway, what better way to immortalize one of the worst horror movies ever than by naming your little girl after the chick who got told “Welcome to New York!” when she told a waitress there was a serial killer trying to murder her.
06. Minxie – “Minxie Hayes” was the name of Nicki Aycox’s character in Jeepers Creepers II, also known as the one with that absurd reveal that the Creeper was actually from outer space? I don’t really remember it that well, I was really stoned the first time I saw it. So maybe you want to partake in the crazy baby name thing but you don’t really want to go all the way and call your kid something stupid, like Brook’Lynn or Joplyn. Minxie is a pretty good starting point for a ridiculous baby name for a girl. Although, now that I think about it, Minxie kind of sounds like a porn name, doesn’t it?
05. The Toxic Avenger – Don’t laugh. I assure you, if you name your kid The Toxic Avenger, he OR she will be the coolest kid in school. Think about it. Who’s going to get the most attention? The girl named Brylee? The guy named Zebulon? Or your little The Toxic Avenger. And now, you can’t leave out the “The”. That’s the most important part!
04. Seth – “Seth Brundle”…or Jeff Goldblum’s character in THE FLY. Yeah, how fucking cool is your kid going to be if you name him after a fucking JEFF GOLDBLUM character!? Seth. That’s a winner. Name your kid Seth. Seth Brundle Smith. Or whatever your last name is.
03. Braedon – “Braedon Keller” was the name of Lawrence Dane’s character in ‘Scanners’. And, quite frankly, if you’re going to name your kid after a movie character, pick one from a Cronenberg film! Do you have any idea how much street cred that is going to earn little Braedon when he grows up? He’ll be swimming in pussy. Was there a Cronenberg film with a scene where a character is literally swimming in pussy? If not, he should do that in his next film.
02. Tangerine – You know, Katie Barberi’s character in ‘The Garbage Pail Kids Movie’? I mean, you could really get away with naming your kid after ANY of the characters in the Garbage Pail Kids movie, but Tangerine is the most acceptable. Your other options are “Greaser Greg,” “Captain Manzini” (which would be fucking amazing, by the way), “Dodger,” “Juice,” “Valerie Vomit” (though if you name her Valerie odds are the kids will figure out the Vomit part on their own — kids can be so cruel), “Ali Gator,” “Messy Tessie,” or “Windy Winston”. Yup, I think Tangerine is a great name for your kid. Go for it. You’ve got nothing to lose. Your kid, on the other hand, has absolutely everything to lose.
01. Melvin The Re-Animated – Coolest kid without effort. I kind of wish my parents had named me Melvin The Re-Animated. I mean, having a hyphenated name is all the rage these days, as is having a name that is unusual or unique. How many other Melvin The Re-Animators do you think there are going to be when you sign your kid up for pre-school a few years from now? None. Do you know why? Because expecting parents are going to read articles on the Huffington Post about how they have to name their son after a ‘Twilight’ or ‘Hunger Games’ character, and they’ll never think to name their kid after an (adapted!) H.P. Lovecraft character from a classic science fiction horror film from the ’80s!? THIS IS YOUR CHANCE, DON’T BLOW IT. NAME YOUR CHILD MELVIN THE RE-ANIMATED NOW, OR REGRET IT FOREVER (or until you die, whichever comes first).
Lothar And The Hand People – Yes, I Love You [MP3]
