It’s Nate’s birthday! Happy birthday, Nate! I spent a lot of money and energy trying to find the perfect group gift for the star softball pitcher and almost full-blown alcoholic who helped introduce me to LOST. I mean, how do you repay that kind of friend? Well, I think I found a way…
So he’s having this huge party tonight at his house, and I guess it’s supposed to be a themed party, a “Rubik’s Cube” party. The rules are something like…show up wearing six different colors of clothing (Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue, White). B the end of the night, you have to be wearing all of one color. I think it’s part ice-breaker and part drunk flirt game. You have to drink a lot of booze, which enables you to talk to people you don’t know, and eventually you swap an article of clothing with them. I guess it could be cool if you had a room with four guys and twenty girls, or if you had video cameras set up all over the house. Otherwise it’s just a boring house party. I mean, I went to Goodwill and spent $17 on different colored clothes I could wear and give away without feeling remorse. How many other people thought enough to do that? I bet no one shows up wearing colors. People these days are too jaded for theme parties.
The Top Ten Theme Party Ideas
10. Rubik’s Cube Party – See description above.
09. Prison Party – We tried this party when my girlfriend’s landlord installed a fence in front of their house that was tall and black and ominous. Suddenly the property felt like a prison. There was a party held to celebrate the new fence, because we’ll find any excuse to drink a lot. Everyone had to come to the party as either a prisoner or a guard (I think — I remember seeing at least two slutty girls in cop outfits). Then you got a name tag where you wrote your prison nickname and maybe what you were “in” for. I just remember anointing myself “The Reverend,” the guy who had gone to jail and found Jesus and wished to spread the word of the bible to anyone he encountered.
08. Smurf Party – This was the theme party we created for my sister when she first visited me after my move to Los Angeles. Everyone dressed in blue and we had the Smurf theme song playing on repeat for a large portion of the party. It’s basically everyone wearing one color and getting drunk, there aren’t really any games or higher order concepts. You just wear blue and get drunk, and something about it being tangentially related to Smurfs is hilarious.
07. Lebowski Party – The different iterations of Big Lebowski parties are what make them so unique. I love the ones that stretch costumes beyond just characters from the movie. There are folks out there who figure out amazing ways to dress as their favorite quote or line or moment of the film. There was a guy at Lebowki Fest who came dressed as Larry’s homework. The best ideas are always when people capture precise moments. One person’s costume will be sure to hit the idea out of the park, and that’s what makes them such fun parties.
06. Black And White Party – In this party, you have to dress as a black and white version of yourself. The best way to prepare would be to take a picture of yourself and de-saturate it to get the purest blacks and whites you can. Then dress and make yourself up accordingly. Dye your hair, accent different facial features, and of course wear black and white clothes.
05. Dress As Someone Else At The Party Party – This one requires some advance RSVP work, or at the very least an accurate e-vite. It’s kind of like a Secret Santa, but instead of giving somebody else a present you have to dress and act like someone else who is at the party. When it works, it works really well. When it doesn’t work, there could be a lot of fights that need to be broken up. After all, that kid with the lisp, the person of questionable sexuality, or the dude who gives off major douche chills might not believe brutal honesty is a form of flattery.
04. The Donner Party – It’s time you face up to the facts — someone at your party tonight could very well die. Even if everything goes according to your plan, and people are into the theme you create, the odds are someone will at least wound themselves or lose a limb. That’s just the way parties are: they go from “hello” to “shit show” in a matter of hours. At a Donner party, you’re basically a vulture waiting around for someone to injure themselves, and then you swoop in and clean up for them by either passing their blood around to be consumed by all members of a party, or you eat them. The only caveat is that an AIDS waiver needs to be signed and notified by your personal doctor before one can be granted access to the party. If you’re really lame and don’t want to drink your friends’ blood I guess you can just get that kind of tofu that’s supposed to taste like human flesh and serve that to all your party guests. BORING.
03. Crackhead Party – Your ticket for this party is a crack head. That is to say, if you want to be allowed into the house, you have to show up at the door with a crackhead. If you’re socially awkward this could be a great opportunity for you to practice meeting new people. I wouldn’t want to throw a crackhead party, because you have to be prepared to find crackheads curled up in dark corners of the house at least a week or two after the party concludes. Crackheads don’t usually like to leave once they’ve been invited inside. The other downside to hosting a crackhead party is that they might start offering your guests (or each other) sex for money, and if there’s anything sexual I don’t want occurring in my house it’s sex with or between crackheads. I was walking through Manhattan towards a train station on the lower east side once and I saw two of ’em masturbating each other. I nearly puked.
02. Kill Whitey – For those of you who have been reading this website long enough to know of my utter disdain towards CocoRosie, you’ll remember that part of my ire for those cunts stems from the Washington Post article about “Kill Whitey” parties in Williasmburg, Brooklyn a few years ago. The article quotes one half of CocoRosie, Bianca Casady, as saying she liked the white-washed monthly hip-hop themed parties because “it’s a safe environment to be freaky,” as opposed to, you know, going to a real hip-hop club and coming face-to-face with a black person. So why don’t you throw your own “Kill Whitey” party in honor of that bigoted bitch Bianca and her Williasmburg hipster friends. Those fucking pigs. Racism is racism no matter the level of irony involved in planning a party. So throw yourself a “Kill Whitey” party and instead of co-opting black culture in a “safe environment,” use it as a fun night to burn effigies if these stupid “indie” hipster cunts.
01. Roofie Roulette – As previously described on this very blog, the “roofie roulette” party consists of pre-pouring several hundred cups of beer for all the guests at your party. A small number of cups will be randomly roofied. Then the party starts, and no one who attends knows whether they’re drinking a loaded or unloaded cup of beer. Things probably won’t become interesting for several hours, but when they do…oh man, what a treat. You can also reverse-engineer a roofie roulette party so that every cup of beer except for a small number will be roofied, and those who survive will be left to babysit a massive amount of drugged partygoers. I guess it depends on whether you want to have an entertaining night or a really entertaining night. I will not rest until roofie roulette parties are a staple of college campus culture. That I haven’t read more about them on the Internet is a fucking travesty. I thought young people were all supposed to be smart. Get hip to this party theme, kids. It’s a sure winner each and every time.
The Fall – Hip Priest
Plasticland – I’m Gonna Empathize
