In my never-ending quest to interview everybody I know, I finally decided to give in to outside pressure and interview my girlfriend. She’s been begging for it for months (hey-o!), but I’ve been riddled with fear at the thought of actually sitting down to talk to her. I mean, who knows what kinds of horrible things she might say about me if I word even one question the wrong way? Also, she might expose to the world (wide web) that I’m not the person I am online in real life. If I didn’t ask just the right questions, or if I acted even the slightest bit like I was frustrated by the prospect of interviewing her, she would totally toss me aside like garbage. It’s like walking a tight rope if you have vertigo. And AIDS. Only I don’t have AIDS, or even vertigo.
So today I finally gave into temptation (and demands) and conducted an interview with her. Throughout our chat, some of her roommates entered the room and noticed how uncomfortable I was, so they decided to pose some questions of their own. I was thankful, considering things were going really bad until that point. Not nearly as well as things were going at Disneyland the day this photograph was taken. Ah, to be young and “in like” with someone.
Below you’ll see that my questions are in bold. Tom’s questions are italicized. Nate’s questions are underlined. All of Nicci’s answers are in regular old plain font. I hope you all enjoy meeting the love of my life, who also happens to somehow find it in her heart to love me back.
How are you enjoying the beer?
It’s better…than the first taste. It’s bitter, but it’s got kind of a light flavor. What do you think?
I think it’s alright. The aroma is fruity. It is a little bitter, but it is also kind of creamy and sticky. Stephen C. in Japan bought us that beer. He made a $12 dollar donation last week.
Thanks, Stephen!
Do you even read the website still?
I do sometimes. I don’t read all the record reviews, or sometimes I just look to see the theme of a mix tape, but I never download anything. I really hope that — I know on your website you like to pretend you hate women, but I hope that in the course of this interview you can show people that you really, really like me.
Can I take a picture of your boobs for the website?
Yeah, sure. Wait — do you mean my naked boobs? No!
No, not your naked boobs. I never want to see your naked boobs…anywhere
You never want to see my naked boobs! Evan! How could you say that? You hate my naked boobs, don’t you!
No — that’s not what I —
That’s it — I’m going to make a cheese plate.
[10 minutes later]
What are you watching now?
I’m watching a show called “Locked Up Abroad,” about a girl from Texas who tried to smuggle heroin from Bangladesh to Switzerland, and got caught. It’s a true story, you know.
You watch a lot of TV, don’t you?
Well, you’re always on your computer blogging, so what am I supposed to do?
Well, it’s my second job…but, fair point. Why do you like cats more than dogs?
It’s not that I like them more, it’s just — I like them differently. They’re so silly. They’re ridiculous. And they’re pretty. And they know when you’re sad.
But dogs know when you’re sad too.
Sometimes, but dogs tear up the yard if you have one. Cats just hang out and let you take care of them. That is their gift to you. Let’s talk about these pants you’re wearing…Would you say they’re your favorite pants?
I guess they’re up there, but —
So you like the skin-tight ones with the zippers on the bottom better?
Why are you interviewing me?
Because so far you’ve only interviewed me about beer and pets — and I don’t even have any pets right now.
Why don’t you tell everyone what I learned about you today?
You learned that I love spicy food, and you thought that I didn’t! I don’t know where you came to that conclusion. I like Tapatio. I ask for the fire sauce at Taco Bell. I don’t think you’d know that though…now you do.
I can’t believe I date someone who eats at Taco Bell.
Everyone has to foul out every once in a while. Isn’t that right, Mr. Jack-In-The-Box?
JACK-IN-THE-BOX!? I’ve never eaten at a Jack-In-The-Box!
Oh, Carl’s Jr. Whatever. What did you eat at Carl’s Jr., anyway? And why did you get so upset when I said Jack-In-The-Box? “JACK-IN-THE_BOX!?” You’re the guy who wrote a letter to Carl’s Jr. telling them that someone diarrhea-ed in your chili cheese fries and then you went back there? What did you eat there!?
I had a western…burger. A western bacon cheeseburger.
That sounds delicious. I don’t think that’s important.
How’s your play going?
It’s going really well. We’ve had two successful weekends so far. Maybe that video is up on YouTube now. Maybe you could post a link to it. That would be pretty cool.
No thanks. There are a lot of weird people who read this website and I don’t want them to know how to find you. The 23rd most popular Google search referring to this website right now is “Swan Fungus Nicci Photos,” and I don’t want those people stalking you or abducting you from your theater.
Okay. Okay. I get it. Just…have a conversation with me.
Okay. Do you think…What…How… (sigh)
Oh, Evan. You don’t know what to ask me, do you?
Tom: What’s it like pretending to have sex with another dude while your boyfriend sits in a crowd and watches?
Um…(sigh) A little awkward. Just because I know [Evan] hates me at that moment. But this play it’s not pretending to have sex. It’s just a sexy dance.
What’s it like sleeping with me?
Tom: Do YOU want to know what it’s like sleeping with you?
No. I don’t.
Tom: So, we heard you were on American Idol. What happened to that?
Well, that was when I had just turned 18 years old. And it was the third season — that was the one Fantasia won, just to give you a point of reference. I got into the Top 100 — that’s when they say, “You’re going to Hollywood!” — but it’s really just Pasadena, so it’s not as exciting. So, I stayed through two days of that week, and Simon said I was good, but boring, so I’ll take it. Actually, at the first audition — there’s a series of auditions — the first one was at the Rose Bowl with thousands of people. My mom and I camped out for three days. So I made it through that, and after that was a Producer’s session in Hollywood a few days later. And then another Producer’s session a week later, also in Hollywood, and then was the judges you see on TV, a month later. Paula wasn’t there, so I was scared, because she’s the nice one who usually let’s people in, but Randy and Simon liked me, so I went back. I think it was two months later? For the “Hollywood” thing…and that’s when I stayed for two days. If anyone happens to own that season on DVD, the only real shot you can see of me is one where I am wiping a tear from my face. And there’s a shot of me running out of the room with my “golden ticket.” My sister was talking to Ryan Seacrest, making a fool of herself. She’ll agree. So, those were my “big moments” on American Idol.
What do you think would happen if I went on American Idol?
[makes fart sound and gives me a big “thumbs down”]
Tom: Have you ever killed anybody?
No.
Do you want to?
Mmm…maybe. I can’t think of anyone off the top of my head.
Tom: How would you kill them?
Poison.
Wow. I’m glad I just ate your dinner!
You cooked it, Evan.
Right. So…Tell me about your time in Echo Park.
I first moved into this house when my meth-addict friend found a room here. I met Tom first. He was a very cordial young man. It was after date with this guy who just talked about butt sex the whole time. I never saw him again. Very weird. First date, and he was talking about anal the whole time. He just talked about his toys and how he’d make me like it…so, anyhow, I took my friend to come see this house. I hated my living situation at the time because my roommates were inconsiderate assholes. Actually, they were okay people but terrible roommates. So I said, “Oh, this is a nice place are there any other rooms available?” and Tom said, “Yes, the master bedroom is for rent,” and I said, “Okay, I’ll take it.” Two or three weeks later I moved into this happy yellow house. Maybe a month after I moved in I came home from some event, maybe a fashion show or something — I was still getting over my Hollywood phase — and I came home to see two gentlemen in my living room, neither of whom actually lived here. None of my roommates were home either. It was — whatever — it was fine. And one of them was this boy with huge curly hair and glasses, who later became my boyfriend.
Nate: Did he woo you? How did he woo you?
Yes he wooed me.
Tom: How did he do it?
He would get drunk, and go over to the neighbors house in just his underwear, and cry. And somehow that got through to me? But it took a couple months.
Nate: Would you say he was mildly pathetic? Or totally pathetic?
Persistent. And I appreciate that. He was persistent.
Let’s reign in this interview a little, shall we. Where do you see yourself in the future?
Um… (sad) I don’t know! Where do I see myself in the future…hopefully, making money and being happy? And having a kitten. Playing with a kitten. I see myself playing with a kitten — or cat — in the future.
Does anybody in the room now have any final questions for Nicci?
Nate: Do you have a favorite color and why?
Green. Because it’s soothing.
Tom: What’s it like having smaller tits?
Fan-fucking-tastic.
Do you think this interview went well?
Maybe you’ll have to do another one in the future, but this one went alright.
