Deadspin ran an article the other day ranking condiments. I think it was a Top 20 list? I just remember seeing Sriracha at number one (good) and then a bunch of inclusions that made me think, “Ew!” Most likely that was ranch dressing or mayonnaise. Those condiments are gross. Also, twenty? You can’t…narrow it down a bit from there? And where’s the specificity? No McDonald’s Sweet ‘n Sour sauce? No Burger King Zesty? Or Wendy’s Honey Mustard? C’mon, there are tons of great condiments out there besides “Chutney” or “Relish, sweet.” What about pickled jalapeños? Or Banana peppers? I think it’s time we rank the Top 10 condiments, like…for real.
The Top Ten Condiments
Honorable Mention: Dominos Kicker Hot Sauce, Fish Sauce, Salsa, Burger King Zesty, Banana Peppers, Ponzu, Kikkoman Soba Tsuyu, Bob’s Big Boy Sauce
10. Guacamole – Avocados are, if you didn’t already know, the shit. At first I had salsa ranked #10 because I consume a ton of it. You have to when you live in southern California. I feel like maybe I was roofied and forced to sign a waiver when I moved out here pledging to eat at restaurants with free chips and salsa at least once a week. That said, guac has the edge here because it’s workable into so many different situations. You can spread it on a burger bun (or toast!), add it to a BLT or eggs, you can serve it with chips, mix it into salad…somehow I don’t think salsa works in those cases. It’s not as…ductile? Is that word I’m looking for? No, that’s not it. Oh well. Either way, guacamole triumphs over salsa. Especially when you chop up a lot of serranos, jalapeños, or habaneros into it. Yum.
09. McDonald’s Sweet ‘n Sour – Nine times out of ten when I eat at McDonalds I’m ordering a burger. It’s only on those rare occasions when I go chicken (or nuggets) that SnS comes into play. That said, if you’ve committed to a “man challenge” against a friend and you’re going to see who among you can eat the most nuggets, Sweet ‘n Sour is a godsend. It’s also incredible with McDonald’s fries. As much as I love ketchup, with fries as starchy and salty as McDick’s, the addition of ketchup can often lead to a very one-note flavor, whereas the Sweet ‘n Sour contrasts the saltiness of the fries brilliantly. Maybe this should be ranked higher.
08. Soy Sauce – I absolutely refuse to put soy sauce on my sushi. Is that weird? I feel like its an insult to the fish, or the chef who is preparing the fish. That said, I cook stir fry a lot and I almost always work in soy sauce with the vegetables or with whatever protein (usually chicken) I’m mixing in with the veggies. With noodles I prefer soba tsuyu, which is a combination of dried bonito, soy sauce, water, sugar, salt an vinegar. I would have ranked soba tsuyu in the top ten were it not for the inclusion of soy sauce, which definitely gives it some of its flavor. That, on top of the insane amount of soy sauce I use in my stir fry, gave this condiment the edge. Kikkoman’s low sodium variety is the way to go with this one.
07. Cholula – This is is going to be a controversial inclusion because almost everybody I know prefers Tapatìo to Cholula, but as the potentially-sixteen-year-old-chick-I-slept-with once said, I’m all for “the whore.” Has anyone ever sat down and really taste-tested Tapatìo and Cholula to determine which is better? I’ve never done a side-by-side comparison, but I usually reach for “the whore.” I think it works better on burritos (Qdoba/Chipotle style), eggs, sandwiches. I think there’s more flavor to it. And I say that as someone who often looks for heat over flavor. I’d rather have a spicy salsa than a savory one. And yet, when it comes to my “salsa picante” or hot sauce or whatever you want to call it…I go Cholula. Every time.
06. Hummus – There’s so many varieties available. It keeps things interesting. If you go to the supermarket and you want to get a spread, your options most of the time are limited. You can get ranch for your veggies, or guacamole, or whatever-the-fuck else you serve with your stupid crudite. But if you opt for hummus, the possibilities are so much wider. Maybe you want roasted red pepper hummus, or garlic, or chipotle lime, or artichoke and herbs…say goodbye to your boring stupid disgusting ranch dressing. Hummus is the shit.
05. Gochujang – I don’t cook a lot of Korean food (or any, really) but I still keep some Gochujang in the pantry because it serves so many other purposes. I assume it being a necessity when consuming Bibimbap means it can be paired with any rice dish, right? I don’t know that for certain. I know it’s impossible for me to look like an asshole when I make rice dishes in my own home and liberally apply Gochujang to them. No one can laugh at me in the privacy of my kitchen. Well…only the people I cook for. 🙁
04. Ketchup – I’m kind of obsessed with ketchup. Like, in an OCD way. When I was younger and I used to eat cereal, my freakish mind worked out that I needed to finish all the cereal and the milk at the exact same time, so when I finished a bowl I would have to add in whatever was lacking, and it would go on back and forth until I’d eaten half a box of cereal with a half-gallon of milk. It’s part of the reason I think I went temporarily lactose intolerant in college. I’m the same way with ketchup and anything. Plate of french fries on the table? That’ll require at least half a bottle of Heinz 57. Burger fresh off the grill? Squeeze a pound of ketchup out of the bottle to leave its mark on each and every bite. The one place ketchup doesn’t belong? Eggs. I don’t understand people who do that, and I never will. Gross.
03. Frank’s Red Hot / Buffalo Sauce – Buffalo sauce is pretty much the best condiment ever, only its not. I put it on everything from toast to chicken to pizza and sometimes a dollop or two on an otherwise bland piece of sushi. Weird, right? I don’t mean…like…at a sushi restaurant. I mean, like, if I stop at Vons and pick up some of their prepared sushi, then get home and realize it sucks. I’ll reach for Frank’s before I reach for soy sauce, even. It’s incredible. And, honestly, it’s probably WORST when it’s on buffalo wings. The best wings are those spicy/sweet asian kinds, not the slathered in orange goo kinds. And, yet, it works perfectly on almost everything else ever. Especially carb-heavy stuff. Breads. Cheesy breads. Garlic breads. Buffalo sauce. It’s perfect. Almost perfect.
02. Peter Luger Steak House Old Fashioned Sauce – This is kind of a nostalgia-induced ranking, but it belongs near the top of the list. When I was a kid, I only ate steak with ketchup. I know, that’s fucking weird, right? But I’ve written countless times how picky an eater I was as a child, so it shouldn’t be that unusual to hear that I only ate steak with ketchup when I was younger. One day my mother cooked a filet mignon and gave me Peter Luger’s sauce to go with it. I was in heaven. It opened a whole new world for me. Steak sauces. It was the first leap of faith I ever took in terms of condiment experimentation, and I like to think that somehow it’s responsible for my giving all these other condiments a chance. If it wasn’t for Peter Luger I’d just be eating ketchup on everything. By the way, is it weird that I never developed a taste for mustard of any kind? Weird, right!? Anyway, these days if I’m at a steakhouse I don’t ask for steak sauce because I assume the meat is going to be seasoned properly and won’t NEED something to impart flavor. But when I’m home and cooking a steak for myself? Sure, Peter Luger makes it better. And it brings back childhood memories. And I love it. So there.
01. Sriracha – Duh. Nothing beats Sriracha. NOTHING. I literally DESTROY any pho, any bahn mi, any spring roll that is placed before me with Sriracha. When I have to eat a microwavable lunch at work I slather it in Sriracha. If someone brings home Little C’s or some other chain pizza, it’s going to get more than just a dollop of Sriracha. Eggs, noodles, sushi, burgers, fries, EVERYTHING. It’s pretty much what I go for when ketchup alone won’t do (or would be culturally insensitive — funny how that works, isn’t it? it’d be rude to put ketchup in your pho but it’s fine to put Sriracha on your burger and fries). If you can find a food that doesn’t go with Sriracha, or a condiment or dip that can’t be enhanced further by including some Sriracha…you’re probably a lying asshole and I don’t want to hear about it. Sriracha is #1. That is all.
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