A few years ago I posted this Top Ten list, which was intended to share some examples of movies that were perfect to watch on Friday the 13th. A lot can happen in three years. Movies change (well, formats, at least…) people change, tastes change. It’s time I update the list with ten more movies you can watch tonight if you’re tired of rain and cold weather and like being scared. If there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s that we all like being scared. Wait. No we don’t. Being scared is scary. So maybe I’ll include some funny “scary” (scare quotes!) movies that could brighten your evening. Assume the rankings mean nothing. It’s just a countdown using ordinals to better organize my thoughts.
Ten More Movies To Watch On Friday The 13th
10. Død Snø – The English translation is Dead Snow, but it’s a Norweigan film so the special characters in the title make it look/sound way cooler. The basic plot is a bunch of friends go on a ski vacation and suddenly they find themselves being hunted by Nazi zombies. The idea is somewhat ingenious, as the whole zombie trope is starting to feel a bit…tired. How do we make zombies new and exciting? Well, we can’t make ’em run faster — that’s been done before. We can’t make ’em super-slow and cheesy/stupid — that’s been done before. How about we make them zombie Nazis!? Perfect.
09. Pig Hunt – What an abysmal film. I watched this a year or two ago with some friends while we were getting cocked on bourbon and it was a laugh riot. What an unrealistic plot. No one I know in the San Francisco area goes out hunting wild pigs on the weekends. And even if they did, where would they go? Redwood National Forest? So, yeah. I don’t know how accurate the premise of this film is…but…no, wait, it’s about a GIANT PIG that is smart enough to hunt and killpeople. There’s nothing even close to plausible about it. The only thing that’s realistic is that some of the characters are human. Get ready to laugh.
08. The Last House On The Left – You can watch the original or the remake. They’re both good. That might sound blasphemous if you’re a purist movie nerd, but I liked both films. It’s good because it could actually happen. Anyone could get kidnapped, tortured, raped and left for dead. And who wouldn’t want their family to exact revenge on the people who kidnapped, tortured, raped and left them for dead? Purely based on the believability of the story, this is a great movie. Another classic that you could watch that is in the same vein would be I Spit On Your Grave. The remake is delightfully brutal.
07. The Hills Have Eyes – This is one of those movies that won’t scare you while you’re watching it, but a few years later when you’re driving through the Texas panhandle or New Mexico and you really don’t know where you’re going, it could fuck with you. I prefer the remake because Emile de Ravin wears a bikini for a few minutes at the start of the movie and you can marvel at her body before all the bloodletting begins.
06. Wolf Creek – I’m hesitant to recommend this film because it’s super-misogynistic, but it will also make you really paranoid about talking to strangers or traveling anywhere ever again, either by yourself or with friends. I always thought this was more of a psychological horror film than a scary movie, but you might disagree. You’re basically watching a sexist dude’s fantasy about the slow, slow process of a woman getting tortured. There’s no redeeming quality, and no lesson to be learned from Wolf Creek. The poor girl has to suffer for 45 minutes, and somehow a guy we thought was dead gets to free himself in the last five minutes. Meaning the hero (girl) dies and some idiot (guy) survives. That’s kinda fucked up. If you can get passed the torturing women thing, it might scare you.
05. Stir Of Echoes – Maybe you don’t like the sight of blood but still want to see ghosts or something creepy. This’ll be the movie that provides both of those things for you. I’ll go to my grave arguing that this was a better movie than the Sixth Sense, but most people will just laugh in my face and point to Kevin Bacon and then laugh in my face some more.
04. Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer – Classic! It’s also a bit older, so it’s not going to be as gory as a Hostel or Saw or Human Centipede 2. Still, I think this is one of the better horror movies I’ve seen. It’s up there with Children of the Corn and The Thing as far as good “vintage” (God, this was from ’86 and I’m calling it vintage!) films. Oh yeah, and it’s based on a true story. So, if you’re one of those people who isn’t scared by made up stories, you’ll like this one.
03. Let The Right One In – Do yourself a favor and watch the Swedish one. The original was Swedish, right? I’m kind of in a rush and I can’t be bothered to fact check. But the kids were all blonde and spoke another language, so it has to be either Sweden, Estonia or Iceland. As far as I know those are the only countries where they breed cute blonde kids that don’t speak English. Have I mentioned I’m retarded? Oh well. This is a great movie. Watch it. If you can only find the recent American remake, fine, watch it. I don’t give a shit.
02. Audition – This is probably the best horror movie I’ve ever seen. I used to buy every copy of this DVD I found and would give them out as gifts because I wanted to be able to talk to my friends about how amazing it is. Consider this list the virtual equivalent of buying you a DVD. Audition is usually streaming on Netflix so you shouldn’t have to go too far to find it. If you don’t have Netflix, figure out which one of your roommates does and then steal their login info. That’s how I’ve been using it for the last three years… Bonus points if you rescue a little puppy dog and name it Gangu like the pup in this film. That’s what I intend to do in the near future (read: when I get a better job and can afford it).
01. I Saw The Devil – Korean people are so fucked up. This movie is proof. It’s a “torture porn” flick that’s actually got a great story attached to it. Whereas all those other torture porn films are just boring set-ups intended to pass the time between people being brutalized, this is a really clever, unique story. One of the stars is the guy who played Oldboy in Oldboy. What a fantastic, horrifying character he plays in this film. The violence is violent! The blood is bloody! The climax of the film is…well, it’s haunting. You’ll like it. This one is also free on Netflix, or at least it was when I was looking for something to watch the other night. I didn’t watch it. I figured i’d watch Snuff Box instead because I didn’t want to have to pay attention to the subtitles. Stupid Asians. Why can’t all their films be in English!?
Enjoy your Friday the 13th! I’m out.
Long Fin Kille – Valentino [MP3]
