Hey guys, it’s December! You know what that means — Year-End Lists! All across the Internet, bloggers as well as professional journalists are taking stock of their lives (and the lives of the people on whom they report) and using that stock to form the base of a writerly soup! Filled with commentaries and observations!
What are there, five Fridays in December this year? Good. That means I can take an extra week to prepare my Top 100 Albums of 2011 list…which doesn’t really matter because I always end up waiting until the last minute anyway.
Since every other publication both print and fake-print (that’s what I call online news sources now) will be dedicating space to Year-End lists this month, I’ll do the same. Just like I do every other year. Why, you ask!? Because once Thanksgiving Dinner ends it’s the job of every writer to start expressing their nostalgia for the year gone by, annoying their readers with hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and some good old-fashioned navel-gazing. On each Friday this month, I’ll present you with a different Year-End list. If you’re an old-timer you know how this works. If you’re new here I’ll lay it out for you:
Friday December 2nd, 2011: The Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2010
Friday December 9th, 2011: The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2011
Friday December 16th, 2011: The Top Ten Deaths Of 2011
Friday December 30th, 2011: The Top 100 Albums Of 2011
And so it has been blogged, and so it shall be. This is the order. Follow it. Or don’t. I don’t care. Just so long as you enjoy what I have to say. If you don’t, I’ll fuck your mother in her mouth and have her cook me some dinner.
The Top Ten Top Ten Lists Of 2011
I didn’t write enough Top Ten Lists this year for there to be any honorable mention. I’ll try to do better in 2012.
10. Top Ten Reasons You Should Ignore The New Radiohead Album – I’m standing over here on Crazy Island alone because apparently no one else thinks Radiohead is worthy of criticism. I can think of 100 albums that have come out this year that are better than the new Radiohead album, and I’ll prove it at the end of the month. Uses of the word “fuck”: 1.
09. The Top Ten Bands I Don’t Understand – I know this one was successful because it generated about 15 responses in the comments section. Some people perpetuated the conversation, plenty of people were pissed off that I made fun of their favorite band. In other words it was a typical Top 10 list. And to answer your question, Yes, I still don’t understand why people like any of these bands. Especially Wilco. Uses of the word “fuck”: ZERO-POINT-ZERO.
08. The Top Ten Rader Comments Regarding The Swan Fungus Redesign – Remember when I redesigned the website? Everyone complained about it like a pack of rabid pussies. This was one week into the new format, and I was still enjoying using the “Featured Image” function. That crying baby perfectly embodied my audience at the time. Say, how many of you still think this page sucks? Uses of the word “fuck”: 6.
07. The Top Ten Reasons I’m Not At My 10-Year High School Reunion – If Swan Fungus reader Alyssa was moved enough by this post to comment via Facebook, “I still can’t handle how smitten I am with your vulgar sense of humor,” I know I’m doing something right. If i had the balls (and was more anonymous) I would skewer all the photos I’ve seen posted from the Reunion on Facebook, because OH MY GOD DID MY CLASSMATES GET FAT AND UGLY. Maybe ten years from now I’ll have a new anonymous blog where I can do that. Uses of the word “fuck”: 8.
06. The Top Ten Cheap Whiskies To Help Stock Your At-Home Bar – Sometimes I actually post helpful, informative lists. This was one of them. I’m still proud of it. Uses of the word “fuck”: 1.
05. The Top Ten Things To Do Before The World Ends – Anyone remember that time the world was going to end? Yeah, me neither. That’s not true. Actually my boss brought it up today. I was in an especially frisky mood that day as I made sure to include both “hate-fucking” and Buffalo Specials on the list. Uses of the word “fuck”: 6.
04. Ten New Years Resolutions Every Woman Should Make – Another stupid article from The Frisky posted by that queen of pretentious, hyphenated surnames, Amelia McDonell-Parry (aka Amelia McDick-Party) inspired this list. Let’s face it, the lists that are overtly misogynistic are usually the best lists of the year. Uses of the word “fuck”: 3.
03. The Top Ten Discontinued Products I Want Back – What would a list brought about by nostalgia be without a reference to another list influenced by my nostalgia for things that have disappeared from the marketplace since my youth? I still haven’t found a solid replacement for Mystic Raspberry Boysenberry Sparkling Natural Soda. Uses of the word “fuck”: 2.
02. The Top Ten Bad News Chicks I Shouldn’t Be Attracted To – Sigh. Remember the long-con that was my fascination with the increasingly-fatter television personality known as Gail Simmons? That was fun. It sure pissed off my ex-girlfriend. Has anyone else noticed how annoying she and Hugh are as guest judges on this season of Top Chef? Neither of them have anything insightful to say about the dishes they’re judging. Hugh’s way worse, but Gail’s being awfully cunty. Maybe the combination of Top Chef and Just Desserts is finally getting to her. It’s certainly getting to her waistline! HEY-YO! ZING! Fuck you, Gail! Fuck you blocking me on Twitter! I don’t give a fat FUCK! Uses of the word “fuck”: 5.
01. Ten Real Reasons I’ve Dumped Girls – This one was pretty funny in spite of there being no real explanations for each of the items on my list. Again, it was a response to an article that appeared on The Frisky (penned by the inane Julie Gerstein). Bonus points for my witty caption on that picture of Amelia that looks like she’s pulling a pube out of her Photoshopped-white teeth. Super bonus points for my mom leaving a comment on this blog entry. So awkward. Uses of the word “fuck”: ZERO! (Pretty impressive considering it was one of those Evan-hates-all-women posts.
Liliput – DC-10 [MP3]
