An enlightened man, a man who is sensitized to the value and charm of humankind, he might not be so quick to complain about how everything sucks all the time. But I am neither of those things (enlightened or sensitive) so I choose to wear my cynicism on my sleeve and take pride in the fact that shit sucks and I’m one of the few who are unenlightened enough to dedicate hundreds of thousands of words to it. No action, no plan for change, just jaded observations. That’s pretty much the M.O. of this website. The good news is, technology and society are advancing so quickly I’m never a loss for things to complain about. So today I’m going to share with you five things I’ll never understand.
The good news is, these are all modern creations/constructs so it’s not as if I’m going to have to hate on them for long. Just like how I used to whine about The Decemberists and Bright Eyes all the time, those guys are irrelevant now. Just like The Arcade Fire will be someday. Just like Gail Simmons is now that I don’t give a fuck about her anymore. Just like The Event and so many shitty things before it. It all goes away in time. These annoyances too will be forgotten in time. But for now…I’ll hate.
• Facebook Places – Who the fuck cares where you are or who you’re with? Seriously. If you use this “feature” you’re pathetic. In fact, I’d go so far as to say people who use Facebook Places are on par with the imbecilic people on Facebook whose statuses are always mundane. “I love summer!” “I have a job interview!” “Kelly is at (insert dive bar) with (what, one or two other people? Wow! Rager!)”. They’re all pitiful little attention whores. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve used the Yelp app on my phones to “check in” places in the past, but that was before I realized that information is public and anyone can see where you are now or have been at a given time. I wasn’t checking in to brag about how cool and fun I am for going out to a bar or club on a Monday night. I was doing so because I won’t remember to review the place later unless it pops up for me on the Yelp homepage, or because I think it’s rad that my photo of Andre strawberry champagne is the main business photo for the liquor store on my corner. Seriously, stop with the Facebook Places. I have no respect for anyone who uses that shit.
• True Blood – At this very moment my roommate is sitting next to me catching up on the most recent season of this awful television show. I gave it two seasons to impress me when it first aired, and every week I grew to hate it more and more. I’m pretty sure the last straw was the finale of season two where the vampires and the townsfolk team up to rid their community of a crazy monster woman, and then one character goes, “Wow. Thanks Vampire What’s-His-Name! What are you going to do now?” and he responds by saying, “Snooki and I are going for dinner at a French restaurant.” Click. Goodbye. That does it. This show sucks. Too many poorly-developed characters, none of them in any way compelling, I think I kept hoping that it’d be…you know…a kick-ass vampire show and not a stupid soap opera. And to think Alan Ball created Six Feet Under (one of the best cable series in the history of the medium) and American Beauty. Fuck you, guy! You’ve gone to shit. While we’re at it, add Game Of Thrones to my list as well.
• Bandcamp – It’s Geocities for hipsters! Every swinging dick with a guitar and a computer (with internal microphone!) has one of these pages. And they all think of stupid little new genres to call themselves, and they all grovel for money from people. You know, I remember a time when bands used to hit the road and play gigs to make money. “Or they’d max out or transfer a balance on a credit card to fund a record and hope to God it was good enough that they’d sell it.”. Bands didn’t resort to sitting at home on their asses panhandling. Hell, if you’re going to sit at home doing nothing hoping to win over a few new fans why don’t you make your own fucking website? I get dozens of e-mails every day from bands looking for promotion on my website via album reviews or mix tape inclusion, and I don’t even click through to a website if it has Bandcamp in the URL. Why would I? I’ll promote music by bands that put some actual effort.
• Kids These Days – Louise sent me this article about how kids these days are selling out like never before. Depressing! I’ve never sold out. In fact as far back as high school I was penning articles for the school paper calling people who listened to whatever was popular in 1999-2000 (I think it was nu-metal and Britney Spears) sellouts. These days we just call sellouts hipsters, right? They’re kind of synonymous at this point anyway. Sellouts betray their principles for convenience’s sake ad hipsters will follow the latest trends and fashions because it’s easier than thinking for themselves. Whatever. They’re not identical but they’re symbiotic. Anyway, fucking kids these days are marketing to each other (to each other? at each other? whatever)! They might have different names for it (“brand ambassadors” or “campus evangelists”) but they’re still recruiting people to wear a clothing chain’s shirts in order to convince MORE kids to wear the same shirts! Isn’t that the exact opposite of cool? I think in my day we’d be kicking those child marketers’ asses! Kids these days aren’t even making cool music because they’re recording it in studios that are run by shoe companies! What the fuck? Is there even one genuinely cool kid left in America? I’m really starting to doubt it. I mean, I’ve known all along dysgenic breeding is moving us towards a future dystopia but I didn’t think it’d happen this fast! Fuck!
• LA Traffic – As I write this I’m preparing to drive across town. I’ll be judging a battle of the bands competition tonight at a bar/club on the West Side. It’s a paying gig and I’ll have open-bar access all night. But it sucks because in order to get there I’ll have to navigate Los Angeles rush-hour traffic. Which is a fucking nightmare. Which I fucking loathe. I don’t get it. How can a city be so fucking poorly engineered that it’s highways are obstructed at all hours of the day? Fuck it, I can’t even begin to describe how I’ll never understand LA traffic because the more time I waste trying to verbalize it the less time I’ll have to get to the club on time. Maybe I should just forget about it and leave. It doesn’t matter. LA traffic will all be irrelevant when I strike it rich and leave this place behind.
Spiritualized – Going Down Slow
