The Frisky Editor Amelia McDick Party has a pube caught in her teeth.
It’s a real shame I’ve spent the last week sharing concert recordings with you, because a lot of amazing, funny things have been going on over at The Frisky, and I’ve wanted nothing more than to share them with you. The always-cringe-inducing Julie Gerstein laid out “The Anatomy Of A Failed Relationship,” in which she details how she met some guy online, rushed into a relationship and — did she just use the word verklempt? Oh, sweetheart…no, please don’t do that — had her heart broken. Oversharing to the extreme. Her story is a real laugh riot in that “look at that crazy bitch!” kind of way. Oh, and Ami Angelowicz included Bush in her list of the ten ’90s era bands from whom she’d like to hear new music. Yikes. Oh, and since the site was purchased by Buzz Media they’ve been syndicating posts from other websites, like “Why Smart Women Fail At Relationships” (because apparently only stupid women find true love and make relationships work!).
But the best piece of the week was a collaborative effort put together by the entire Frisky staff (with the angelic Amelia McDick-Party undoubtedly included) called “15 Real Reasons We Dumped Him”. Perhaps in an attempt not to be mocked by me for coming up with a random number of items for a list, the staff came up with fifteen reasons they’ve dumped boyfriends before! Hoo boy is this list a hoot. “He had the palette of a three-year-old. He would only eat grilled cheese, pizza, and burritos.” Yeah, and if I had a dollar for every time Amelia mentioned eating a burrito on Twitter I’d be able to buy Twitter. And she thinks yoga is going to help her work that burrito off. Please. By the way, is it even possible for someone to be “dumped” after having sex one time? I mean, I guess it is if you waited to have sex until you were officially boyfriend and girlfriend, but if that’s the case you’re a loser who shouldn’t be boasting about only having sex one time with your boyfriend. And what’s wrong with calling your mom a slut! I think I’ve called my mom a slut to her face before. Is that a problem? Is there something wrong with that? Mom, are you reading this? Can you clarify that calling you a slut isn’t something that should illicit such a conservative — dare I say old world — response?
My point is, this list of “real reasons” the girls of The Frisky have stopped dating guys is pretty tame. It’s couched in this verbiage intended to make us hoot and holler because it’s controversial, but it’s pretty tame. I haven’t had fifteen girlfriends in my life, but I have seen girls unofficially and non-monogomously before, so here’s a list of real reasons I’ve stopped seeing girls. It took the entire staff of The Frisky to come up with a list of fifteen reasons, so pardon me for coming up with less on my own. Plus I’m leaving out some “doubles,” like the girl I went out with only a few times because she didn’t drink and it made me feel awkward, or the girl who snorted during orgasms. Anyway, here goes nothin’:
1. She told me she “hated me” during intercourse because I refused to spend the night with her. I pulled out and left and haven’t seen her since.
2. Too hairy. (I could break this into three separate points, because I’ve stopped seeing girls due to excessive arm hair — in sixth grade! — excessive pussy hair, and…well…facial hair.)
4. She showed up outside my father’s house unannounced when I had friends over and told me she was “just driving around the neighborhood” and saw us hanging out.
5. She wanted me to keep the pair of underwear she wore when I took her virginity.
6. She let slip in a conversation that she was looking for a guy who was “just like [her] father.” [note: Her father was a bald, fat, money-hungry Jew….so maybe I saw a glimpse of my own future and bolted?]
7. We went on two dates and she wouldn’t let things progress any further than making out.
8. Her intense love of dry-humping left me with jock itch.
9. Seeing each other raised tricky Age of Consent questions.
10. She neglected to mention she had a kid until after I let her blow me.
11. The more I looked at her, the more her face began to resemble that of a rabbit.
*The more you know!*
