Oh hello, children. Papa Evan is sitting around (practicing his perfect posture) sipping tea and listening to Bela Bartok’s 44 Duos For Two Violins, because I’m so highly evolved I listen to classical music. None of this rock stuff for me, no thank you. I require a combination of instrumental sounds that will stimulate my brain while inspiring the most extreme creativity imaginable. Anything less simply will not do. After I —
Oh, what’s that you say? A homosexual? Well, how dare you take umbrage at my refined palette. I do believe, sir, that you are the homosexual, not I. Why is that, you ask? Because you enjoy milk-fisting other dudes, that’s why. So take your white-bread “indie” records and insert them into your gaping rectum. Please.
Ahem. Hi. I’m totally over my classical phase now. I just bought all these Bartok and Messiaen records and I feel bad filing them all away on my shelves without listening to them, so that’s what I’m doing tonight. It’s nice, really. Last night I was out drinking and causing a scene until the wee hours of the morning. Then I had to wake up early and go into work. Funny how two or three weeks ago I was dying of stomach pain and three hours of sleep seemed ungodly, but when you’re shit-faced and making new friends at a party three hours of sleep is totally acceptable. Life, ain’t she funny sometimes? Funny enough to rape.
That probably wasn’t the most sensitive remark I’ve ever made.
Here, have a mix tape. It’s your favorite…
RULES for uninitiated noobs: I give birth to a weekly Mix Tape to be deposited on your iPods or Zunes or Kingklangs or whatever the industry is currently pushing on you. Sometimes there will be themes that link all the songs together, other times I’ll just throw songs at a wall (not literally) and see what sticks. There is a theme tonight, but it is a (gasp!) hidden theme! If you guess what it is — use the comments section — you’ll win a prize. I won’t tell you what the prize is, but I’ll need your mailing address. And you’ll want to invest in some kind of water-based lubricant. The goal of this endeavor, as always, is to pique your interest in these artists so you’ll support the artists and buy their albums.
This week I’m going back to writing little notes about the bands/artists, only this time won’t tell you anything about the music. I’ll just ramble about shit.
Sunday Mix Tape – Number 194
Sewing Mouths Together
01. The Kinks – Sunny Afternoon – Does anyone in the LA area want to find a midnight screening of that 3D Piranha movie this week and bring in some booze and get wasted? I’ve been wanting to do that for a few weeks now but nobody I know is into it. You can be a girl too, this isn’t just a guy’s-night kind of thing. I’ll even provide you with pepper spray. So you know you can trust me. (buy this album)
02. Nebula – Anything From You – Sometimes when I listen to these guys — and it’s much more infrequent than “sometimes,” I probably should have just said “One time…” — and I think, “What if all the word is just a hallucination these guys are having when they’re tripping? What if I don’t exist, I’m just a figment of these guys’ imagination?” Then I remember it’s all just music, and I don’t have to listen to it if it’s going to make me ask a bunch of dumb metaphysical questions I don’t know the answers to. (buy this album)
03. Eyeless In Gaza – Lie Still, Sleep Long – I haven’t read any Huxley books in a while. I think the last one was “Diary Of A Drug Fiend” back in 2006. He was pretty good, I thought. I don’t know from the whole mysticism aspect of his life, but the books are good. Could you imagine having your eyes burned out? Is that something you can actually survive? It doesn’t seem like it, but then again I’m no doctor. I don’t even play one on TV. I just play one in the shower when I check my balls for lumps. (buy this album)
04. Teenage Fanclub – Mellow Doubt – Is it supposed to be “mellow doubt” or “mellowed out?” You tell me. I heard Teenage Fanclub turned Mogwai onto drugs. Maybe it was the other way around. I don’t really remember. You know who I haven’t written about or posted MP3s by in a long time? Teenage Filmstars. That band was so amazing. (buy this album)
05. Gram Parsons – Brass Buttons – Do you think Graham Nash feels a bit queer when he writes his name? The four-letter variation of their name is so much cooler than its boojwah alternative. (buy this album)
06. Jellyfish – New Mistake – I know I just posted a Jellyfish track a few weeks ago but it’s really hard for me to stay away from one of the best pop bands I’ve ever known. The best part about Jellyfish is that they’re not actually fish! They’re actually…well, I don’t know what the word is, but I’m sure even if I did I would misspell it. You’ll just have to look it up for yourself. What’s the word…cephalopod? I think that’s what a squid is. I don’t think jellyfish and squid are related. But wouldn’t it be amazing if, like, Roger Manning had a cousin who was in a band called Squid? Whoa. Mind = blown. (buy this album)
07. B.B. King – When My Heart Beats Like A Hammer – Could you imagine pounding a nail into the wall — in order to hang up a framed picture or something — with your heart? There would be blood literally everywhere. I think Itchy & Scratchy might have done something like that once. If not, and someone who writes for The Simpsons is reading this, you owe me for that idea. You can just click the little “Donate” button near the top of this page and send me some money. Thanks. (buy this album)
08. Ronnettes – Walking In The Rain – The thing about the Ronnettes is, none of them had Ronnette in their names! It was two sisters and a cousin. They should have called that goofy trio of James, Ronnette and Donna from Twin Peaks the Ronnettes. I don’t know why. Maybe Julee Cruise could write all the music. She could be like the Phil Spector of the real Ronnettes. No? I don’t know what I’m talking about? Okay. (buy this album)
09. Les Baxter – Girl From Uganda – No Les, no more. Les Baxter died heroically attempting to save his family from a surprise volcano eruption on an uninhabited Indonesian island back in 1996. Just kidding. He died of kidney failure. (buy this album)
10. Waylon Jennings – Crying – Just because I didn’t want fat boy Gram Parsons to be the only country musician featured on this mix tape, I went ahead and found a Waylon song to use. I don’t remember where I was when I was driving cross country in 2005 and happened upon a water tower marking the birthplace of Waylon Jennings, but I remember my excitement. It lasted maybe thirty seconds, and then I did a few more bumps of No Doz and kept on driving. (buy this album)
11. Judee Sill – The Kiss – Here’s a little known fact: Judith was the first artist David Geffen ever singed to his label…and it wasn’t Geffen! It was Asylum, you fucking moron! God, don’t you know anything about music? I guess they’ll just give anybody a keyboard and a monitor and some speakers these days, because you are an idiot and you don’t deserve to live. There, I said it. (buy this album)
12. Catherine Wheel – Heal – I’m not a big fan of this album, but I like this song. It’s alright. It’s…whatever. (buy this album)
13. Nick Cave – Into My Arms – A lot of people say this is a love song, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that it’s not. I don’t care what Nick has said about it in the past. I’m going to say that this is a song about shooting drugs. Why? Because I have nothing better to do and want to see if one of my stupid Internet rumors can proliferate and challenge the widely believed theory about the story behind this song. (buy this album)
14. Gin Blossoms – Cheatin’ – What do you mean, “Nobody listens to the Gin Blossoms anymore?” You mean New Miserable Experience isn’t still the greatest album in all the land? That’s perfect. Now that everyone’s got their stupid Arcade Fire and their Soupjam Stevens to enjoy, I can go back and enjoy this shit. I’m like Burgess Meredith in that episode of The Twilight Zone when he finally has all the time in the world to read his precious books. Only in this version of the show, my ears will fall off. And then my dick will fall off. And then my nuts. Betcha didn’t see that twist coming! (buy this album)
15. Boards Of Canada – Open The Light – They’re not even from Canada. They’re from Scotland. They use the word “cunt” like we use “dude.” Yup…Scottish highlanders really do lead the most amazing lives. (buy this album)
