Yeah, right. CNN’s pathetic excuse for a website has its own dating coach. Oh, wait. Nevermind. They don’t. They just re-posted something written by Ami Angelowicz at The Frisky. That makes more sense. Unfortunately, what doesn’t make sense is the article, which is called “Dating coach’s 8 top tips.” These are horrible tips, and they are dead-wrong right from the very first sentence: “Matchmaker and dating coach Rachel Greenwald is responsible for 750 marriages, and she doesn’t believe you will find the love of your life by waiting for him/her to spontaneously appear in line at the grocery store or sit next to you on the subway.” Could that be because Greenwald panders to people who are socially awkward and cannot start a conversation with a person they find attractive? The only people who sign up for dating services are those who are too self-conscious to put forth the kind of effort it takes to sleep with the person you’re immediately attracted to when you see them sit next to you on the subway. 0-1, Greenwald. Try again.
Oh, now I get it. This whole article is a puff piece that was only written because the matchmaker lady has a book coming out. Well, that’s going to make me think even less of her and her matchmaking ability. I mean, if I wanted to promote my dating/lifestyle book (which I don’t because I haven’t written one) I’d aim a lot higher than a stupid website. I’d go for broke and try to book a spot on Oprah, like that guy who wrote He’s Just Not That Into You. I bet he makes bank now. Alas, the point of this blog post isn’t to write about how I would go about promoting my unwritten self-help dating book. It’s to tell you my 8 top tips. Because I’m a dating coach too. As of right…now!
1. The “no effort mentality” is not crazy. Pretty much every time I pursued a girl in college, nothing came of it. And every time I sat back and waited for sex to find me, it did. I highly doubt I’m the one guy out of 1,000 interviewed by Greenwald that has had success in dating by giving up and putting in no effort. This mentality is designed to succeed because the moment you stop caring about the process you are able to exude confidence and just be yourself. Nothing gets you laid faster than doing those two things. 0-2, Greenwald.
2. Never tell anyone that you’re searching. One of the most important steps to finding love (if you’re looking for it and not just casual sex) is telling all your friends that you’re not looking for love. The minute you announce your availability, your social standing decreases three. Three what, you ask? I don’t know, just three. I didn’t make these rules up, they’ve been around forever. Seriously though, as soon as you tell your friends you want a relationship they are going to laugh in your face and call you “fag.” Never do that. Instead, tell them you’re sleeping with someone already (even though you aren’t) and pitch woo at girls on your own time.
3. Stop Asking People To Set You Up. If you can’t do it on your own, you don’t deserve it. You’ve heard of Darwinism, right? Natural selection? Survival of the fittest? If you can’t somehow find a way to procreate, you will not survive. That’s just nature, man.
4. Get Online. I’ll agree with Greenwald on this one, but for different reason entirely. The “expert” claims, “There’s no stigma about online anymore.” That’s a lie. Of course there’s stigma. What is this, seventh grade? You’ve got an Internet girlfriend who is supermodel hot and lives in Estonia? Please (Okay, I know that’s not what she meant by online dating). The reason you need to get online is not because you should be signing up for dating websites, it’s because you should be trolling Craigslist personals for girls who just want some NSA sex with a D&D free guy. Who knows, you might hit it off and end up together. It’s worth a shot.
5. Chloroform is legal if used for scientific purposes. And that’s your defense should you be arrested under suspicion of rape. You’re a scientist and you were studying the affects of penis insertion on unsuspecting — and unconscious — women.
6. Don’t forget about Facebook. She’s right about this one too, but not because you’re going to meet somebody new through your friends. That’s completely irrational and dumb. You should not forget about Facebook because it provides you with the necessary tools for stalking girls you dated in previous decades and, I don’t know, maybe you can rekindle something. If not, I hear it’s really good for masturbation purposes.
7. Start drinking more. Everybody loves a loose canon. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten ridiculously drunk and it’s led to me meeting new and interesting people. If you go out and get hammered often enough (make sure you’re with at least one friend, otherwise it’s creepy by most girl standards) you’ll luck into a relationship in no time. Hell, you might even find a really nice, caring, nurturing girl who wants to help you ditch the booze and straighten your life out…together. Ew, that sounds like an ABC Family channel movie. At the very least you’ll get laid. It’ll probably be an equally-drunk ugly girl, but then again if you’re browsing the Internet intending to find dating advice odds are you’ll be okay with that.
8. It’s not OK to outsource. Sorry, but the fact that the job of “dating coach” even exists is retarded. No disrespect, Ms. Greenwald, I’m sure you run a great business and I’m sure you really have matched 750 couples together and seen them get married…but your job is pointless. You are pointless. I don’t remember the context in which my mother used to say it, but she liked to use the expression “water seeks its own level.” So too do people. You can coach a 5 all day long but in the end he’s just going to end up with a 4, 5, or 6. You can’t will a 5 to marry a 10 just because you’re professional. In the end it comes down to the person committing to the process, trying, failing, trying again and eventually succeeding. You just earn a living by putting a bunch of failures together and figuring some of them can’t fail anymore. It’s the law of averages. If you did not exist, people would still couple and procreate. So no, it’s not OK to outsource your dating life. Do it yourself and the satisfaction of getting your dick wet will be oh-so-much sweeter. Strike three Greenwald, you’re out.
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