As if I could write about anything else for this week’s installment of the Friday Top Ten list. It’s Valentine’s Day…again. And nothing says Valentine’s Day like MONSTER TRUCK RALLY!
Sorry, where was I? Oh, right I was starting to write an introduction to this week’s top ten. Everyone has their own way of celebrating Valentine’s Day. Some people, like me, enjoy pampering the person they’re with. A nice romantic dinner and a little gift in the hopes of maybe getting lucky at the end of the night. Others like to act all smug and contrarian by doing anti-Valentine’s Day things, like staying at home and watching HBO. Take that, preconceived notions of what “love” is!
Maybe you’re lazy. Maybe you don’t know what you can do to “work the middle” and make your sweetheart happy while convincing yourself that you haven’t put forth any effort. Here’s a list of ten ways you can please both parties.
The Top Ten Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
10. A Figure Four Leglock – Take wrestling in the sack to new levels by showing your lover how proficient you are at mimicking professional wrestling moves. See if you can follow this simple set of instructions to carry your partner over the threshold. Start off with your typical gorilla press, transition into a fireman’s carry, and then finish her off with a powerbomb. Once she’s down for the count, do not proceed to have sex with her. Instead, get her in a figure four leglock and make her beg your for anal until you break the hold. Once you decide to let go, you both win!
09. A Lock Of Your Hair – Pubic hair, that is! Scientists say that pheromones thrive in body hair. These chemicals send odor cues to people that subconsciously help them choose a mate. If you want to always be on a girl or guy’s mind, you should give them a lock of your pubes. That way they will have to come face to face with your pheromones, and they will have no other choice but to fall for you. It’s actually quite ingenious. If you normally shave or wax your genitals to smooth, bald barren wasteland you should let yourself go for a few weeks in anticipation of preparing this remarkable token of your affection.
08. Give Yourself A Hand Job – Because there is no higher love than self love, maybe this year you should eschew the act of giving a gift to your partner, and instead give a gift to yourself. Break out your lubrication of choice and go to town on your junk. Remember that awesome website your bro was telling you about last week? Why not dim the lights and check it out tonight. Ladies…please videotape yourself for me? I swear I won’t share it with anyone.
07. Make Them Dinner From Their Favorite Pet – This gift idea combines two things everybody loves. A sweet, home-cooked meal, and a favorite pet. Think about it. Bacon and waffles go awesome together. Bubbles and baths. Massages and happy endings. Snow days and footie pajamas. These are natural combinations. So too are food and pets. And really, can you prove to your pet rabbit or duck or frog that you care about sustainability than to make sure it won’t ever go to waste? No, you can’t. So serve your girlfriend her dog. She might even be so impressed that you sous-vide her Yorkie she’ll forget all about the fact that her dog is dead.
06. Your Bodily Fluids In A Vial – All mixed together. Piss, blood, semen, boogers, saliva…tears. Everything. Bile. Puke in a bucket and scoop up a little vial for your sweetie to wear around her neck. These things are the essence of your being. They are what enable you to live, and survive, and grow, and be healthy. Without them you are literally a dried out shell of a person. You are dead without them.
05. Tell Them The Truth – It really is about time. How long did you think you could last without admitting to all those infidelities? This Valentine’s Day, give your loved one the gift of truth. They deserve to hear about how you hate all of their stupid idiosyncrasies. Remember that time you stuck your pinky in your girlfriend’s sister after a very drunken Thanksgiving dinner? Fess up, buddy. One of these days she’s going to find out and she’s not going to be happy.
04. Give Your Mistress To Your Girlfriend – A continuation of number 5. Give your mistress to your girlfriend. Watch them dyke out. It’ll be the best gift you’ve ever gotten and the best gift you’ve ever given. Once the initial awkwardness wears off, “Sally, this is Jo Jo. Jo Jo, this is Sally. I’ll leave you two alone…with the camcorder I hid under that pile of dirty clothes,” they could become really close friends. Then you stand outside the door listening for the soft moans of Sally or Jo Jo, and eventually you subtly wander back into the bedroom with your dick in your hand. The best gift is the gift that gives. And in this scenario, it will give you head.
03. $5 Footlong – Subway footlong subs are all i want every day of the year. They’re so delicious and so affordable. If I got one on Valentine’s Day I would be so happy. I’ve been on a Veggie Delite kick lately, and I like to add in some avocado for a bit more meaty texture. I used to go Meatball Marinara every week but then I realized after a year I’d put on ten pounds. Every once in a while I’ll go crazy and get a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki or Ham and Turkey, but for the most part I’ve gone Veggie for about half a year now. By the way, if you’re a representative of Subway and you want to sponsor this website, send me an e-mail. I eat your sandwiches twice a week and I just promoted your product for free. I think that warrants some free subs.
02. Farkle Dice – Teach the person you love the game you love. Sorry, that should say “loved,” because Facebook completely RUINED Farkle with the introduction of that stupid “power dice” thing. How on earth does this “game” they’ve created have anything to do with the Farkle that I learned to love, and why am I forced to play it? It’s retarded. No, this version of Farkle that the Farkle for Facebook people have created actually makes retarded people look like they’re totally with it, and are able to comprehend things like the rest of us.
01. A Dedication – Apparently dedications mean a lot, and cost very little, so they are the perfect gift. I’ve been reading about this kid who died on the luge today in Vancouver. I guess the IOC decided that tonight’s Olympic opening ceremonies were going to be dedicated to his memory. This got me thinking: what the hell is the point of a dedication, anyway? It doesn’t do anything. It can’t be proven. A dedication is not even something tangible (unless it’s printed on a piece of paper or something, and even if it is, so what? What does that mean?). It’s the biggest bullshit gift known to man. Think about all those award winning actors and actresses who get up to receive awards and they talk about how their performance was dedicated to someone. Big deal! A dedication can’t heal the sick or bring the dead back to life. A dedication can’t really do anything. It’s just someone’s word. It’s not even a word, it’s a thought. Dedicating a ceremony to a dead luger is about as productive as a fifth grade student body presidential candidate offering no homework on Fridays. Come to think of it, it’s the most selfish gift one could possibly offer. it’s sole purpose to make the giver feel better about his or herself for being such a wonderful, benevolent soul. The recipient just says, “okay” and tries to figure out how to discern their dedication. That’s what makes a dedication the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. The person you give it to will be, like, “Oh, thank you so much!” And you wont have to prove anything. Best of all, you don’t even have to do anything. You’ve already done your part. And your part was nothing.
This blog entry is dedicated to my loving girlfriend Nicci. Happy Valentine’s Day!
Scott Walker – Will You Still Be Mine?
Seconds In Formaldehyde – Love Noise
The Goslings – Everlasting Arm
The Besnard Lakes – Albatross
