December is almost over. Websites and magazines have already begun rolling out their “Year-End” lists. Across all forms of media, the next week will be filled with cloying fits of nostalgia, hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and even some good old fashioned navel-gazing. Each Friday this month Swan Fungus has concluded the week with a new year-end list. Last week was The Top Negative Reader Comments, and before that was Top Ten Top Ten Lists of 2009. Next week: The Top 100 Albums of 2009. Stay tuned!
I thought last year was an incredible year for death. Seriously, almost my entire top ten died before the month of April! That left nearly 8 months to fill with even more awesome deaths. And now, to be perfectly honest, I think 2009 might have been even better. This past summer alone provided us with (what a more traditional blog might consider) an entire top ten’s worth of deaths. South Park even devoted an episode to it. There were dead people everywhere, and news organizations were eager to outdo one another for the most overblown response to a completely unimportant person’s death. It was kind of disgusting to watch, because almost nobody that died this year mattered.
By the way, how the hell did Mark Fidrych die of suffocation? Holy shit! He was working on a truck and his clothes got stuck on a spinning shaft, strangling him? That’s horrible. But definitely not the most horrible death of the year.
Oh, and it needs to be said that the “world’s oldest blogger,” 97-year old Maria Amelia Lopez Solino, died of…I don’t know, I’m too lazy to look it up. We’ll say…food withdrawal? Yeah, that sounds right. I bet she was too busy blogging to remember to eat, the old bag!
Perhaps no death in 2009 — or in the last decade — affected more Americans than that of pop-singer and International icon Justin Timberlake. I think we’re all still reeling from the news, and I don’t think American music or culture will ever be the same again. We’ll miss you, Justin.
And now, the list.
Honorable Mention: Pneumonia. 2009 was another banner year for pneumonia. Last year it took the lives of Christian Brando, Charlton Heston, and Bernie Mac. This year, it killed John Martyn, Dom DiMaggio, Les Paul, Oral Roberts, and — of course — Doreen Reid Nakmarra. Also, Cancer. Even though people assume science has pretty much cured cancer, 2009 would like to have you believe otherwise. Dickie Peterson, Maurice Jarre, Ron Silver, Chuck Daley, Kenny Rankin, Patrick Swayze, Soupy Sales, Steve Ferguson and Johnny Almond all succumbed to various forms of cancer this year, proving that shit still isn’t cured. Wayman Tisdale maybe died of cancer, too! Heart disease and heart attacks killed plenty of folks, too. Sky Saxon, Gordon Waller, Ellie Greenwich, Billy Powell, John Hughes and Ron Asheton all died from heart-related illnesses. Natural causes killed plenty of people too, like Troy Smith, the founder of Sonic. That’s good eats!
Ironic Death Alerts! Rob Gauntlett was a British adventurer and explorer who was the youngest person to climb to the top of Everest. He died while ice climbing at Chamonix in the Alps. Gauntlett? Climber? Died from a fall? Clearly he didn’t live up to his namesake. Romeo LeBlanc was a Canadian politician and statesman died after a lengthy battle with Alzheimer’s disease. LeBlanc drew le blanc, get it? Richard Quick was a swimming and diving coach for several colleges. He was diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer and died less than 6 months later…that was fast quick. Dash Snow, annoying and untalented hipster artist, died of a heroin overdose. It would have been more ironic if it was cocaine. Atieno Odhiambo was a Kenyan scholar and academic who taught at Rice University who died of dementia. Scholar dies of dimentia. Ha! Brian Redman, bassist for a heavy metal band called 3 Inches Of Blood died in a scooter accident. A scooter accident? What a fag! Eli Thompson was a skydiver who died…skydiving. Not ironic! American model and rapper Dolla was shot — no wait, a rapper who gets shot can’t be ironic, can it? Erik Bluemel was a smarty-pants environmentalist who was also an assistant professor at the University of Denver Sturm College of Law. What did all his “green” living choices do for him? He died from injuries sustained after a bicycle accident. British racing driver and team owner Joe Tandy was killed in an automobile collision with a box van. Abismo Negro, a Mexican league wrestler, drowned in March. His finishing move in the wrestling ring? “The frog splash.” Ironic! Susan Fernandez was a Filipino singer and activist who became known for her rendition of the feminist anthem “Babae Ako.” She died of ovarian cancer. Where’s your feminist pride now, Susan? Dick Hoover…a bowler…there’s a joke in there somewhere. Connie Buckley was an Irishman who was best known as a champion hurler. I don’t see what the big deal is, I see Irish hurlers almost every time i go to a bar. Some of ’em could even win championships for their hurling. Oraine Simpson was a Jamaican footballer who was attacked and stabbed to death in October. “O. Simpson?” “Footballer?” “Attacked and stabbed to death?” We have a winner!
The Top Ten Deaths Of 2009
10. Oscar G. Mayer Jr. (July 6th) – “American business executive who served as chairman of the Oscar Mayer meat and cold cut production company…the third Oscar Mayer to lead the family business, following his grandfather…and his father.” I don’t know how he died because it wasn’t disclosed (which usually means AIDS), but the greatest shock is that Mayer wasn’t the only big-name businessman to die this year. Roy E. Disney, nephew of famous racist Walt Disney, died of stomach cancer this year. He was worth over a billion dollars. It’d be funnier if he was named after a silly Disney character like Pinocchio or something. That’d be amazing. Pinocchio Disney. A kid with that name wouldn’t last a week at summer camp without having a broom handle shoved up his ass.
09. Natasha Richardson (March 18th) – “English-American stage and screen actress.” She made headlines for dying after sustaining a head injury while taking a skiing lesson. She appeared to be fine after her fall, telling paramedics that she did not need medical attention. Three hours later she was taken to the hospital with a headache and then she died of an “epidural hematoma,” which sounds (internally) bloody. Oddly enough, that wasn’t the craziest “celebrity” death story of the year! A skateboarder named Andy Kessler (I have a cousin by that name, weird) died after being stung by a wasp. So too did American journalist Ray Shaw. Taylor Josephine Stephanie Luciow (aka Taylor Mitchell) was killed by coyotes…wait, that actually happens to people? I thought coyotes can only overpower house pets.
08. Ted Kennedy (August 25th) – Another great swimmer, Ted Kennedy, died of brain cancer two weeks after his sister Eunice passed away following another “undisclosed illness” (read: AIDS). August was a really bad month for people named Ted Kennedy. On August 14th, Canadian hockey centre Ted Kennedy died of heart failure. While Republicans may have secretly snickered and giggled at the passing of Senator Kennedy, liberals got even really quickly, because conservative commentator Robert Novak died a week earlier than Kennedy, also of brain cancer! The lord giveth, and the lord taketh away from both sides of the political aisle.
07. Farrah Fawcett (May 25th) – She died of Anal cancer. That’s unfortunate. I don’t have much care for how I die; I accept that it is an inevitability. I’d just really hate to have the words “anal” or “testicular” or “severe genital trauma” written anywhere in my obituary.
06. Billy mays (June 28th) – The fat bearded guy who became a cult icon because he yelled at you through your television and wanted you to buy products for which you will never have use. He was the equivalent of an old-timey door-to-door salesman, only he was automatically invited in and told to “stay a while,” while you rotted your brain watching reality TV or late-night infomercials. He died of hypertensive heart disease. I’m pretty sure cocaine was involved. Too bad his name surname wasn’t Snow. I would have ranked his death higher…
05. J.G. Ballard (April 19th) – He was a controversial author who wrote Crash, a story in which a male character penetrates a female character — nope, not in her vagina — in a wound she received in a car crash. They eventually turned it into a movie with James Spader and that guy who played the punk-y longhair in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. Ballard died of prostate cancer, which I thought was pretty much cured. Rudy Giuliani survived it, and he never wrote a book where a girl gets fucked in her leg wound. Oh cruel fate! Why couldn’t you have struck down Rudy and left us with the lovable Mr. Ballard?
04. Steve McNair (July 4th) – McNair was one of my favorite football players when he played college ball at Alcorn State. It was amazing to watch highlights of his games on SportsCenter. His senior season stats were off the charts, and then fucking Rashaan Salaam and Ki-Jana Carter both garnered more Heisman Award votes than McNair did. Whatever happened to them, anyway? I think McNair scored 53 touchdowns during that incredible senior year. In 11 games. That’s over five a game. Wow. He was shot by his girlfriend or mistress or something, on July 4th. That must have sucked. I hope he got to enjoy an Independence Day barbecue first.
03. Tiffany Simelane (August 17th) – Right around the time Ted Kennedy I, Ted Kenedy II, and Robert Novak were dying, a little-known Swazi beauty pageant contestant named Tiffany Simelane died. She was crowned Miss Swaziland in 2008. She was hot. She died of an apparent suicide in which she ingested weevil tablet, “a pesticide that contains aluminum phosphide and emits phosphine gas,” whatever the hell those are. Friends claimed it was because of a broken heart. Too bad, I would have thrown her a pity fuck if she was that upset. Hell, I might still…how much can a body decompose in four months? Is the vagina the first thing to go? The most fucked up thing about this death is, that wasn’t the only notable suicide of the year. It might not have even been the strangest. Hisayasu Nagata, Deborah Digges, Roh Moo-hyn and Chen Lin all jumped to their deaths. Yeah, I know — people still do that!? British biologist Simon Thirgood died in a building collapse! I don’t think it was suicide, but could you imagine if detectives determined he collapsed the building just to kill himself? Mike Whitmarsh (beach volleyball and basketball player — what’s beach basketball, by the way — and Marvin Sutton (American moonshiner) both committed suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning. Lame. Brill Frindall died of Legionnaire’s disease (that’s still around? I thought that was phased out over time, like Cholera). Paralympic swimmer Alex James Harris killed himself by hurling himself in front of a train. That was by far the most-awesome suicide of the year. Oh, and although it’s not quite suicide Patrick Kombayi (Zimbabwean politician and businessman) died of complications from a 1990 shooting. It took him 19 years to die after being shot. That’s crazy!
02. Dom DeLuise (May 4th) – A veritable renaissance man, Dom was an actor, comedian, director, producer, chef and author. He died of kidney failure. By the way, while I was compiling this list I came across a number of people who died of kidney failure, but a lot of people also died of renal failure. Isn’t that the same thing? Your kidneys make up your renal system, don’t they? I wasn’t that smart in high school but I nearly aced my freshman-year biology final. I think I remember the kidney/renal system. So…Dom DeLuise. He made me laugh when I was a little boy. Now he’s dead.
01. David Carradine (June 3rd) – He wasn’t the most talented person on this list, or even the most interesting. But he definitely had the number one death of the year. He was found hanged in his hotel room in Bangkok, Thailand. At first people figured it was autoerotic asphyxiation. Then people wondered if maybe there was a whore involved, because…why else do men travel to Thailand? Following the announcement that he was found with his hands tied behind his back, there was a theory that he was investigating a secret ninja society and they murdered him. That would be so amazing. What’s more impressive than Carradine’s death by hanging is…do you have any idea how many people hanged themselves this year? HOLY SHIT! Kurt Demmler (German songwriter), Nicholas Hughes (marine biologist and son of Sylvia Plath/Ted Hughes), Jang Ja-yeon (South Korean actress), Woo Seung-yeon (South Korean actress/model), Stephanie Parker (British actress), Lucy Gordon (British actress), Yasmine (Belgian singer/television presenter), Michael Roof (American actor), Bill Sparkman (American substitute teacher), Kyle Woodring (American drummer – Survivor), Moni Fana (Israeli basketball team manager) and Kazuhiko Kato (Japanese musician) all committed suicide by hanging! Talk about an emerging trend.
I can’t wait to see what 2010 has in store for death. I expect a lot more poisonings and maybe some more jumping deaths, but we should see a sharp decline in the amount of hanging suicides. Like the American Apparel hoodie, most trends can’t sustain that year-two jinx. Pneumonia and heart disease will continue to ravage notable names (specifically unhealthy Americans) from now until whenever. Maybe cancer will really be cured next year. There’s a world of possibility ahead of us…unless you need a job. There’s no possibility the job market or economy will improve in 2010. Sorry!
Chameleons UK – Mad Jack
Ruins – Stonehenge
Blind Blake – Rope Stretchin’ Blues
