Why I Love Thursday Klawchats on ESPN’s Website
So, uh, apparently I was mentioned in a story on a website called Boing Boing today. I’ve spent the last two hours cleaning out my inbox. A lot of hate mail and scathing comments. I guess I’m happy about the fact that more people are being turned onto WFMU’s website, but I would have thought my updated introduction to the post would have quelled a bit of the controversy. Alas, people are people, and they love conspiracy theories. Although a silly little blog isn’t on par with the Kennedy Assassination, people love the intrigue! I think it’s ironic that for once in my life I’m not the one being a skeptic. And to think, not a single person has extended a friend request on Facebook! They all just e-mail me calling me “Bubble boy.” I’m kind of insulted…
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Did you watch Top Chef last night? I did. Did you see Gail Simmons tits? They were ungodly. Ian swears that he could actually see the veins running through her breasts, but I wasn’t about to take the remote control out of Nicci’s hand, pause the DVR, and move frame by frame through the episode to inspect Gail’s boobs. That would have made my girlfriend a bit unhappy, I think. Still, they caused enough commotion to temporarily drive up traffic to this website. They also helped drive my penis up to a full erection!
I have to admit, I checked my Google Web Master tools stats this morning, and I’m falling way down the rankings for all Gail Simmons-related web searches. As far as their Page Rank is concerned, I’ve fallen to #13 for “Gail Simmons,” #5 for “Gail Simmons boobs,” #2 for “Gail Simmons tits,” #8 for “Gail Simmons breasts,” and #6 for “Gail Simmons nude” and “Gail Simmons naked.” My life’s goal of attaining a clean sweep for #1 Google Page Ranks for all Gail Simmons-related web searches has utterly failed. What’s even more frustrating is that a bunch of stupid, parasitic websites have leapfrogged Swan Fungus to take those higher positions. How many of those bloggers or webmasters do you think have Photoshopped themselves into multiple pictures with the lovely Gail Simmons? None of them. They just post screen caps of Gail Simmons’ tits and Google calls that more authentic than my website. It’s bullshit, man.
I love you Gail. Please divorce your husband and marry me. I’m not Canadian, so I have that going for me. I’m not a stalker. I follow you on Twitter, not in real life. Your name only appears on this blog in 25 different entries. Yeah, that’s more than the number of entries that have been tagged as “beer,” but it’s not even close to the amount of times I’ve trashed baby boomers. I just want those tits so bad! I want to cut them off and hang them on my wall. Like an elk head or something. Literally, a big game trophy. The biggest game. The Most Dangerous Game.
And by the way, what the hell was up with the way they edited the preview for next week’s Top Chef finale? They pretty much gave away the ending. I mean, you can see the three finalists standing (from TV left-to-right) Brayn, Michael, and Kevin. Then they show Padma looking forward and congratulating the winner on becoming the new Top Chef. But she appears to be looking directly at Michael (or maybe off-center a bit at Bryan). I’m not a television forensics expert or anything, but you can always tell who is going to “pack their knives” based on where Padma is looking. And I’m pretty certain she’s looking at Michael as she speaks. So, I’m going to call it right now. Mihael is going to win Top Chef honors this year. If I’m wrong, you guys can call me a loser and an idiot, but if I’m right — whoever edited that fucking preview needs to be fired immediately. Too bad, I wanted Bryan or Kevin to take it home. Anyone but the cocky motherfucker.
Of course, this allows me to blog more about Gail Simmons next Thursday. Gail Simmons. Gail Simmons tits. Gail Simmons Breasts. Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine.
