I’m feeling a little bit better today. In case you’re not my friend on Facebook or you don’t follow me on Twitter, I became ill yesterday morning and spent the next several hours in bed. I vomited for the first time since 1999! Then I went to the gym and ran three miles, just to see if I could. I didn’t throw up again, which I kind of expected because the puke was not the result of any pathogen or sickness. It wasn’t a hangover; it was something else. Anyway, I wasn’t feeling well enough to blog so I didn’t. Instead I paced around my apartment for a few hours. Then I met Sari for lunch and probably scared her by not saying a word the entire time we were together. Softball was cancelled last night. I’m feeling a bit better today, although there is a fog on my brain that makes it hard to concentrate on any one thing. It’s probably stress related, and if I stopped thinking about it my mind would clear up, but maybe there are actual clouds of tiny water droplets forming in my head. That’d be cool. I could handle not being able to concentrate or feeling out-of-sorts if I was at least rewarded with cool photos of fog creeping around inside my skull. I imagine it might look like an Electric Wizard album.
So, what, today is Friday? I have to think of a new top ten list? How many of those things have I done already? Is it 200 yet? I’m getting close if I’m not already there. Why won’t a publisher contact me about binding all my lists and making them into a book? Is that something I have to do on my own? Do you think there’s a market for my sexist, racist, homophobic, self-effacing lists? Would you buy a copy? What if it was for a friend? Is it better to try finding a publisher rather than wait for one to find me?
And that, folks, is the top ten questions I could come up with in 30 seconds. Amazing. Sure it doesn’t technically count as a top ten Friday list; I think I just wanted to brag that I could create a list in under one minute. You know what? I think I’ll go for some kind of Internet record and make another list. That’ll make two in one post! You lucky sons of bitches…let’s talk about Dodger game traffic and how it ruins the city of Los Angeles.
The Top Ten Things To Do While Stuck In LA Traffic
10. Phone/Text Tag – Ask the person stuck next to you for their phone number, then either call them or start sending them text messages. Who knows, you could make a friend. You could end up having some great anonymos sex at a highway rest stop, or filthy gas station. You’ll never know if you don’t try.
09. Blow A Kiss At Each Car You Pass – But not in the romantic way, in the “I just kicked your ass and now I’m going to make a weird, homoerotic gesture in your direction. Think of the traffic jam as a football game, and each car you pass is another run or point you have scored. The kiss that you blow to each person you overtake should signal your gross disrespect for the person.
08. Jerk Off / Get A Blowjob – In theory, these two things are better suited for driving on desolate country roads where no one is going to see you. But I’m a bit of an exhibitionist and I’m not ashamed of people seeing my dick, so pleasuring myself or being pleasured is a perfectly normal reaction to being utterly bored. What, you want me to sit there being pissed off and angry that the cars aren’t moving? At least this way you can enjoy yourself. If you date a girl who is okay with giving you a blowjob in public, you should ask her to make eye contact with the person in the car next to you. That’s so much more awkward than picking your nose while looking at another driver.
07. Set Something On Fire – What else is your car’s in-dash cigarette lighter for if not burning things? What, you’re going to plug your satellite radio or cell phone charger into it? That’s not fun or interesting. Instead, you should get the lighter burning red hot and find random things to melt or set ablaze. If your car is anywhere as dirty as mine, there will be no shortage of weird papers or fast food toys with which you can play.
06. Hot Box – If you can’t go anywhere, and you’re feeling anxious, just get high. Not only will you be the envy of every car near you, it would look awesome from the perspective of a traffic helicopter. At first I thought maybe it’d be fun to play “try and fog up the windows,” but you have to have friendly weather conditions to make that happen. If you hot box the car, you can play all kinds of games within the thick haze. Even if you’re alone. I know when I used to get high all the time there was no end to the amount of games I could play by myself. My favorite was always the one where I’d crack open a beer from the basement fridge, then run back and forth between the beer and the bong in my bedroom closet. I had to take a bong rip, run down two flights of stairs while holding all the smoke in, exhale and drink some of the beer, then run back up two flights of stairs for round two. In a car your options are a little bit more limited, but that’s what makes it so much fun! Plus, it’s LA — I don’t think they can arrest you for smoking grass here.
05. Call A Radio Station – If you’re like me, you only listen to AM or satellite radio in the car. With all those talk shows to choose from, there has to be at least one open phone line you can exploit. Plus, you live in LA so you’re probably an aspiring actor. What better way to hone your skills than pretend to call in a breaking news story, or play a character in a phony phone call. When I lived in New Jersey I would call WFMU but I only ever got on the air once. The rest of the time I just had to talk to the DJ or the engineer off the air. I’ve tried calling Coast-To-Coast AM, WFAN and tons of other stations, but never gotten through. Pat recently called into a radio station in New Mexico to hilarious results. Ask him about it.
04. Play The Worst Music Possible – Lightning Bolt sounds awesome when you’re cruising along at 90 miles per hour and swerving in and out of traffic like a mad man, but it would suck to hear that if you hadn’t moved more than an inch in five or ten minutes. Also, you’ve probably got some really bad CDs in your car that you never listen to. Why not give them a shot, at full blast. I’ve got The Rocky Story and Camille Saint-Saens The Carnival Of Animals for such occasions. Now I just wish I hadn’t sold all my
03. Get Rear-Ended – If fate has conspired to make you late for whatever it is you’re traveling to, at least try to make some money off it. Try your best to get the person behind you to hit your car. Then you can either sue them for damages or sue them for medical bills when you start experiencing pain in your neck or back. Either way, you’ll have plenty of time to get all their insurance information as you wait for the cars in front of you to begin moving. Hell, you don’t even have to pull off to the side of the road, as traffic in LA gets so bad you can probably figure everything out while staying right where you are. Get on it. If your lawsuit is successful I get a 20% commission.
02. Run Around Drawing Penises On Other Cars – Dude, tagging dicks on other cars is a hilarious time waster. Even if you’re not stuck in traffic. Just go outside sometimes and draw dicks on people’s windshields. In LA when everyone’s car is dirty and there’s a thin layer of dirt/smog/pollen coating the thing, your dick will look so good, the owner of the car will just have to laugh and accept it. If you can tag ’em while they’re driving the car, you’ll probably get a, “Hey, that’s pretty funny! Thanks for the dick!” from them. At the very least, you’ll be spreading joy and entertaining the people stuck near you. Maybe they’ll ask you to throw your hat in the ring and run for mayor or something.
01. Play Roofie Roulette – If you’ve got a friend in the car, or even if you don’t, the game of Roofie Roulette is always an amazing, good time. The rules are simple. You’ve got some liquid. You portion out a serving or two, and then add some Rohypnol in one of them. If you’re by yourself, you can either play with yourself, or offer the drinks to people in surrounding cars. I’m pretty sure this is what the freaks at the Dream Center in Echo Park are doing when they stand on the corners of Glendale, Echo Park Ave. and Park Ave. handing out lemonade in the summer. Some of those cups have to be roofied, right? Why else would they do that!? Anyway, get yourself some roofies and play roofie roulette. It’s a hell of a good time, trust me.
Electrelane – Eight Steps
David Tagg – Rhone
Braniac – Hot Metal Dobermans
Comets On Fire – The Unicorn
