What a fool was I to think that I could realistically pen a Friday Top 500 list in less than 24 hours. Sorry to get your hopes up, but you’re going to have to wait at least another week until I’m comfortable sharing such a huge project with you. Much like my oft-mentioned book (circa 2005), I’m not one to divulge information or publicize projects before they are officially completed. In other words, this will likely be the last time you hear about the soon-to-be infamous “Friday Top 500” list. Maybe I’ll post it on the same day as the Daytona 500. Did that happen already in 2009? Does that thing occur on a set date each year? Should I dare search Wikipedia for an article about auto racing? Nah, nevermind. I can find other, better ways to waste precious moments of my life.
For starters, I could update you all on today’s top ten Google search terms that have referred visitors to this website:
10. boys and girls children fucking (that’s with two spaces between “girls” and “children”, for some reason)
09. what you should know about estonia
08. i’m late to work because i fucked someone
07. hot chicks working out
06. i find crying attractive
05. all russian porno annimal [sic]
04. what does reading say about you
03. urinal cruising (sammy! that’s your fault!)
02. how to get laid on your birthday
01. naked butt holes
Come to think of it, I should use that as part of today’s Top Ten list! Ingenious!
The Top Ten Better Ways To Waste Precious Moments Of My Life Than Researching The Daytona 500
10. Researching Referral Data – See: above.
09. Listening To Records – I don’t know if I wrote about this on Wednesday, but I had one of those “Ugh!” moments when I realized I needed to rearrange some items in my room to compensate for my ever-expanding record collection. Considering I live in a room roughly the size of a walk-in closet, this is never a good thing. Although my record buying habit has returned to Earth from its orbit through outer space (can you say an average of 1.5 records per day for the month of June?), I still buy way more than I should. This leaves me with stacks of records to listen to before I can file them into my shelving units, and the pile I began working on Wednesday was coming very close to cutting off half my room, between the shelves and my bed. Total embarrassments. In case you’re wondering, since I’ve gotten home from work I’ve listened to Ignatz II and Dark Fog The Ultimate Cult Of Psychedelic Psychosis. I would have listened to the Throbbing Gristle LP Mark gifted me today, but I left it at the store. Whoops!
08. Researching Flu Deaths – It’s no secret that I am a hypochondriac. Even though it’s late July, that doesn’t stop me from checking Google’s flu charts to see if there are an elevated number of cases in my area. Why do I do this? Because every time I feel something in my throat, or notice my nose is slightly stuffed, I become convinced that I am about to die from a bad case of the flu. If there’s a bigger waste of time than researching NASCAR, it’s researching the number of flu deaths worldwide in 2009.
07. Feeding My Farkle Addiction – I’m just happy after my time in the Bay Area that there isn’t an Internet site where you can play Guillotine against people around the world, because I would be so fucked. I already devote way too much free time to playing Farkle online. In fact, there is a window open right behind my text editor now, where I’m playing against some fat woman. I find the best way to improve your Won/Loss record online at Farkle is to challenge only fat women and people who have pictures of themselves holding small children. I figure there is no way those people are serious about Farkle — especially not as serious as I am about it — and they won’t try as hard as I do to win. I think my .633 W% speaks for itself.
06. Writing – I’ve been mired in a creative slump for quite some time now. I’ve started writing again, but before I pick up my pen I already know that the exercise is futile. Perhaps that is part of the problem, but I’m so stubborn — even when dealing with my inner monologue — that I won’t allow myself to succeed. That’s why I spend all my free time writing these blog posts. They’re easy. It’s when it comes time to actually try writing something with deep philosophical or existential meaning that I clam up like a virgin staring at his first vagina. It’s right there, puckering in anticipation, wanting me to just take it, but I’m just standing around with my dick in my hand, frightened to death. That’s what writing feels like for me right now. Imagine having that feeling every day when you realize your notebooks are collecting dust on your bedside table? It totally sucks!
05. Eating – I’m in one of those phases I often go through where I don’t ever want to eat. I guess you could call it an eating disorder, but to do so would be put a label on something, and I’m not the type of person to go around labeling other people. Unless of course they’re musicians, in which case I will label them as “crap” or “not crap,” but I’m not going to try and psychologically analyze them or anything. That’s not my job. My job is to tell people why they suck so much, or why they rule. So, today I had a yogurt, some grapes and a peanut butter breakfast bar. I think that was enough. My stomach hurts now but I’m not going to do anything about it. Why? Because I’m lazy, and as soon as I walk downstairs and prepare a meal I’m going to get distracted from writing this list and then I’ll have to do it later, which is when I’d rather be doing something else. Basically, eating is just another obstacle that gets in the way of living one’s life. If you want to call me manorexic or anything, go ahead, but to do so would only be to tell half the story, and I think my life is worth a little more than half a story.
04. Listening To The Mets Game – I’ve given up on 2009 and I’m looking forward to whatever season comes next when Omar Minaya isn’t employed by the team. If that’s 2010, I’m looking forward to 2010. If that’s 2012, I’ll look forward to that season. I read the funniest comment today on a Mets messageboard. Adam Rubin apparently posted on his Twitter, “No #Mets lineup yet. Hmm. Last time this happened, Church was sent to Atlanta.” Then some witty Mets fan responded, “Does this mean Rubin is agitating for a position with the Mets as a player?” I guess you have to be a Mets fan to get that joke, but take my word for it, it’s hilarious.
Huh. At some point I think I switched from writing about better ways to waste time to writing about worse ways to waste time. If I’m writing that eating and listening to Mets games are bad things, clearly I would rather research the Daytona 500 than do those things, right? Wow. Talk about a failure. I think I’m just going to stop here and accept defeat by my own hands. That sucks. I must be more overtired than I thought. Oh well, maybe a good night of sleep will help me reenergize my batteries and write something sensical tomorrow. Then again, maybe it won’t.
Mission Of Burma – The Dicks Hate The Police [live]
Dark Fog – Into The Light
Wicked Witch – X Rated
