Fuck Michael Douglas. Fuck Michael Douglas in his stupid Russian-Jewish, Scottish, Irish ass. That arrogant celebrity motherfucker screwed me out of flying from LAX to Newark First Class. I was first on the list for an upgrade, and as of two days ago, there were two available seats in the superior flying class available. Shockingly, both of those seats disappeared within the last twenty four hours (I received email notification to that effect just before my boarding pass was made available). Then I show up at the airport this morning, and who is standing in front of me at the security checkpoint but Nicholas Van Orton (The Game) himself, in all his pre-Game smugness. Accompanying Mr. Douglas through the checkpoint was a short, balding, Jew-y looking douche who must have been either his personal assistant or agent. I knew this because I smelled money on him, the Jew. To no one’s surprise, Mr. Douglas arrived at my departure gate moments before boarding, and was ushered onto the aircraft by not one but seven Continental lackeys. Meanwhile, I was standing around watching the luggage of a young woman who wanted to use the restroom (whom I believe attended the same high school as me, and was once employed by Bad Robot Productions (J.J. Abrams’ company, the one that is responsible for LOST). I wanted to punch him in the face, but this would have upset the gaggle of women and flight attendants who had gathered near the gate to gab about how “natural” and “handsome” he looked. Instead I think I mumbled something about how his turn in The In-Laws couldn’t hold a candle to Alan Arkin’s original performance. Then I boarded the plane, happily discovered there was a vacant seat between me and the old man on the aisle, and watched Back To The Future before playing Sim City on my iPhone and nodding off as a result of dipping into to my little stash of tranquilizers. At one point the old man left to use the rest room, and when he returned it smelled like he shit his pants. I was thankful there was a seat left between us.
Upon returning to my mother’s condo, I was treated to a nice chicken parmigiana dinner. Elissa is sick with viral or bacterial bronchitis, so I’m trying to stay as far away from her as possible. Jack and Ken will be here to watch LOST later. It will be the first episode I’ve ever watched outside of LA. I’m freaking out about not being able to geek out with my friends the LOST geeks, but hopefully Jack and Ken will be initiated into the club. Or, maybe we just get drunk? I don’t know! You’ll find out tomorrow!
