Tomorrow is a bullshit holiday. Everybody knows it, even those of us who are in committed relationships. Of course, that doesn’t stop those of us with a significant other from falling victim to all the marketing ploys surrounding February 14th. A man will still get his woman candies or lingerie, and a woman will still get her man boxer briefs or a tie or something. I don’t really know how it works, I come from a broken home and I normally don’t stay with the same woman for more than one year, so I’m not really sure I even know what Valentine’s Day is.
That said, those of you who don’t have valentines are sure going to feel…well…the same as you always do tomorrow. You’re going to feel alone and useless. You might even decide that you’ve had enough and you want to kill yourself. Don’t do that! I’ve got ten better ways you can spend another miserable Valentine’s Day alone.
The Top Ten Ways To Spend Valentine’s Day Alone
10. Loving Yourself – Whether you refer to it as “jankin’ it,” “fingering your dick,” “beating off,” “masturbating” or whatever nomenclatural term you choose, the act of getting oneself off is never more satisfying than when experienced on the day most commonly linked to that thing we call “love”. I say if you can’t find anybody else to do it for you, why not do it yourself? Hell, even if you have someone to do it for you, sneak away and find time to do it for yourself! You deserve to feel that rush of energy and excitement all day
09. Stalk Someone You Know Is Single – It’s a Saturday, so everyone except for me is home from work. What you should do is choose at random a person that you know is single, and follow them around for a few hours. Get an idea of what a normal person does when they don’t have a valentine with whom to spend the day. This way you’ll be able to come up with several ideas you can put to use next year. God knows a man (or a woman) who goes around stalking people probably isn’t going to get a date and sustain a relationship, maybe ever, so it’ll help you to plan ahead what you can do next Valentine’s Day.
08. Buy A Whore – Everyone else is going to be shacking up, and if you’re one of those idiots who thinks masturbation is a sin, you should really consider hiring a prostitute to — at the very least — do it for you. You should also buy a bindle of blow, because, really, if you’re the type of person who isn’t ashamed to pay for sex you should try to get the most out of the experience that you can. This includes sharing drugs with the woman to whom you are giving money for sex.
07. Go To Bar, Black Out – Who knows, before you lose consciousness you might might a desperate person who would like to maybe have intercourse with you. You know, sexual intercourse? That thing we all believe to be the most amazing and sanctimonious event in the span of one’s life? Or, conversely, you can just keep throwing back bourbons on ice until you’re puking and pissing and shitting yourself. That would be a pretty funny story to tell the guys when you’ve regained consciousness.
06. Party – You should have your single friends over and you should drink beers and talk about pussy. You should go to the friend’s house who has that deep fryer, and bring over some mozzarella sticks and french fries and Whole Foods sushi, then fry that shit up and eat it. Fry candy bars, and burgers, and hot dogs, and whatever the fuck you feel like, because there won’t be any women there to judge you. If you’re a woman, go to a friend’s house and eat ice cream and watch Sixteen Candle and talk about your periods, or whatever it is you do when you get together
05. Mystery Drive! – The Mystery Drive is my cure-all for everything that ails you. It’s really simple, and it’s a great way to revitalize your spirit and maybe even get you in touch with the littler version of you that lives somewhere in your belly, or lower-GI tract. You know, that thing men of faith call a “soul”? You can find it just by getting in your car alone, filling up your tank with gas, and going somewhere. It doesn’t matter where. It’s better when you don’t have a predetermined destination. A few weeks ago I got in my car and drove through the Hollywood Hills looking at all the fancy houses, then I went to a bar and ate chicken. It was amazing! If you live in a city that actually has some form of mass transit, you can do that, too. You can ride the subway somewhere or walk the streets. It’s really great, I swear.
04. Inflammatory Blog Posts – For just one day, you should start a website devoted to shit-talking every girl or boy you’ve dated in your life. You have no idea how good it will feel to get all those years of pent up frustration off your chest. If you’re feeling really gutsy, you could even write the ex a letter telling them why they suck so much at life. I think I’ve told this story before, but one time I wrote an ex-girlfriend a birthday card that said, “Happy Birthday, I hope your new beau is giving your gash as good a workout as I used to. I didn’t actually send it. Still, I carry that story in my pocket for moments such as these, moments which will probably elicit laughter from somebody, somewhere, and it will have been worth while. You see what I’m saying?
03. Go Shooting – Or hunting, if you live in an area where you can go hunting. People always say the next best thing to having sex is shooting a gun, so you should test that theory out for yourself. I’ve handled many rifles before, and I find that it’s actually quite relaxing to load a magazine and take aim at a target however many times it takes to use up all the rounds. The funny thing about my shooting experience is that if you put a target twenty yards in front of me I can’t hit it, but if you put a Coke can twenty yards in front of me, I’ll knock it down or tear it open on the first shot. It’s either because I love soda so much that I hate it, or because I just focus better when staring at a bright red target than a colorless target. Go shoot something!
02. Do What You Will Do – That is to say, do what you will do on any other Saturday when you are miserable and alone. If you like to stay at home and watch movies and get high, you should do that. If you like to go to clubs or bars and try to bang out with some hot sluts, you should do that. If you sit online and read blogs, well…there isn’t any hope for you, and there probably never will be. Especially if you’re reading websites that post Top Ten lists and “outsider” music like this one, and not…you know…more informative ones.
01. Call Up An Ex – It’s pretty much my best advice. Call up an ex, see if she’s seeing anyone, then ask her out to dinner. The minute she sees your number on her caller ID she’s going to start thinking about the last time you two slept together, and if you can get her to answer the call you can pretty much also get her to sleep with you. Why? Because it’s Valentine’s Day, and women put way more emphasis on the importance of that day then men do. That’s why the official color of the holiday is pink, and not pigskin brown. I don’t know if this is an accurate statistic or not — because I’m making it up on the spot — but women are 75% more likely to sleep with an ex-boyfriend on Valentine’s Day then they are on any other day of the year, except maybe a birthday, prom, or New Year’s Eve. Take my word for it, if you can suck it up and make the call, you will at the very least drop a load on her chin by the end of the night.
Holger Czukay – Cool In The Pond
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Holger Czukay – Persian Love
Holger Czukay – Hollywood Symphony
