My moms is in town for the weekend visiting, so it is going to be difficult for me to post regular updates. I will be driving back and forth every day between my mansion in the hills (ha!) and the crummy hotel where she is staying near the ocean. I’ve already given her one of the Swan Fungus t-shirts, and she appeared happy to have a shirt with her son’s face on it. Or, as happy as such a gift could make a mother, I guess. More than anything else I’m looking forward to eating well for free for the next three nights. I’m pretty stoked about that. Just kidding. I love my mother. She’s never once scolded me for being a loudmouth misogynist bastard with a voracious appetite for pussy and a mouth like a sailor’s. Come to think of it, I think I would laugh really hard if the phrase “voracious appetite for pussy” ever came out of my mom’s mouth. If this were one of those film advertisements where a vague segment of a review is used to promote the film, one could nearly-accurately quote me as saying, “I would laugh really hard if…pussy ever came out of my mom’s mouth.” Gross. I hate the advertising industry!
Here’s a very rushed top ten list for you!
The Top Ten Mom-Related Things
10. Embarrassing Stories – Sometimes I like being embarrassed. I’ve never been shy when a friend or family member takes it upon themselves to dish some embarrassing story from my past. I just sit there and giggle and remember what a moron I was, and the dudes always laugh and point and the girls always think it makes me more endearing and fuckable. Luckily, my mom has a ton of stories about my childhood that I’m constantly making my friends laugh and/or want to fuck me. Thanks, ma!
09. Shopping – It’s not necessarily a good thing, but this isn’t a list of the ten BEST mom related things — it’s just a list of the top ten mom-related things — so it deserves a spot on the list. I hate shopping, but whenever she comes to visit me she demands that I go grocery shopping, and at the very least buy a new pair of shoes. Since I don’t have to pay for the shoes or the groceries it could be considered a generous display of care, but shopping for me is torture. Any kind of shopping other than record shopping is torture. Whenever I step foot in a store against my will I feel like I’m going to combust. It’s the worst feeling in the world. She doesn’t seem to understand this, so she drags me into every single clothing store she sees just to get me to buy a pair of shoes. It’s…the worst.
08. Concierge Floor – She always stays at these hotels that have concierge floors with lounges that are open late to hotel guests. So I can go and visit her, and before I leave I can raid the fridge and take a bunch of cans of soda or bottles of water home with me. Sometimes I’ll just blatantly steal food, like the time she stayed at the hotel near the airport and I brought home two day’s worth of pasta. I am that unbelievably cheap. …The point is, it’s a great mom-related thing to get free food and drinks.
07. West Side And Beyond – Since my mom is a fancy-pants woman who always wants to stay at spas and ritzy hotels, she never actually books a room anywhere near where I live. This means that when I drive to see her I get to see parts of the city that I don’t normally get to see. I end up spending a ton of time in the Santa Monica area, which is usually relaxing and can actually be fun. Or we meet family friends in West Hollywood for meals, and I get to see how the other half lives. You know, the half with real jobs and real lives — the ones with purpose.
06. Humor – I suppose I wouldn’t be who I am today had my mother not allowed my sense of humor to grow and develop into this sick, perverted mess. So, I have to thank her for that. Now that I’m older and the train has completely gone off the rails, you would think that perhaps she’d be offended by some of the horrible things I say when I’m in her presence. Wrong! She laughs at them! I can barely get away with saying certain vulgar things to friends, so how great is it that a sixty-year-old Republican woman will laugh at any vile statement that I make?
05. Free Food – You know that tasty little breakfast nook on Pico? The one you drive past without noticing it because you’re always thinking to yourself, “Man, the West Side is so weird!” They have amazing breakfasts, big hearty portions of eggs and potatoes, or waffles or pancakes — if I remembered the name of the place I would do my best to promote it. The point is, when mom comes to town she likes to eat there, and well — I’ll take a free, amazing breakfast any day of the week. Not only that, she comes to town and asks me where I would like to have dinner, rather than offering up an idea of her own. For two days it’s like I’m in heaven, simply because I can eat whatever I want and not pay for it. It’s great.
04. Sweaters – What’s up with moms always buying us sweaters? The last one I got had snowflakes all over it, and so much wintry cheer it felt like saccharin was being absorbed into my pores whenever I wore it. I’m not complaining, because every warm article of clothing I receive is one less that I have to buy, but it’s a little weird that the sweaters are always so goofy. I think she’s trying to be ironic but she just missing like, one tiny little nodule of sarcasm or cynicism that prevents her from totally getting which sweater I would find the most ironic.
03. Complaints – Moms always make it easy for your to complain about life because they too are always complaining about life. For example, the first story she told me yesterday was about how the flight from New York sucked because there was a bitchy woman on the plane who didn’t want to sit next to a young child. When an East Coast Jew woman spends all her time complaining, it makes it really easy for you to chime in with your own stories and complaints about life or society. It’s kind of like a therapy session but without all the structure and the weird scent of popcorn in the waiting room. You just go back and forth trying to top each other with tales of horror and frustration, and a few hours later you drive back to your crummy apartment feeling cleansed.
02. Livingston Bagel – More so than the free dinners, I look forward to a visit from my mother because she brings me fresh bagels from New Jersey as well as baked goods. I just ate a delicious black & white cookie (which, for some reason I can’t seem to find at any LA bakeries). I’ve got enough bagels to last me for the next week and I could not be any more happy. Well, I could be happier if she literally mailed me bagels via Express Mail every week. That would be so amazing.
01. Money – The best part of any mother visit, of course, is the last ten minutes. That’s when, before entering the airport, a mother says, “Do you need any money?” and then you try to play it cool and say, “No” and she hands you forty bucks. Do you have any idea how long I can make forty bucks last? That’s like winning the lottery as far as I’m concerned. I can eat breakfast and lunch every day for two weeks on forty bucks! Sometimes I’m convinced that the only reason a mother decides to visit her good-for-nothing son is for the last ten minutes where she can slip a couple of twenties into his hand and tell him to enjoy a nice meal. Nice meal? More like ten days of plain bagels and soda, bitch!
