I’m sitting in Podcast Jack’s basement. He’s more drunk than Ken or I have ever seen in our entire lives. No, wait, Ken just remembered that Jack puked two years ago at the Broadway Diner in Summit, New Jersey — but he had also been smoking grass that night, and it totally threw off his equilibrium. Or, so he says right now. Jack wants me to write about how “we” (and by that he means the Obscure References crew, I think) are a failed culture.
“Jack, how are we a failed culture?” I ask.
“Fuck.” he grunts, “By not, uh, giving enough time to the blind citizens of our nation.”
“And What do you mean by that?”
In a slow, monotone voice, Jack states, “I didn’t say it. And if I did, I wasn’t sober.”
“Okay…” I back off slightly.
A few minutes later, after he’s finished pocketing two striped balls to draw even with Ken in their billiards game, Jack tells me, “You’re in the limelight. You’re in the spotlight.”
“What’s going on, man, what are you thinking?” I ask.
“That everything is going to be fine, and we are all going to be fine, no matter what polarizing issue we have placed before us.”
“Is that it?”
He stops circling around the pool table and prepares for a shot that could win the match. As he steadies his cue stick, he mumbles something about having mixed too many different styles of wine. Then he continues, “And, that listening to strange old music, like Dylan, and old strange tracks…” He calls “corner pocket” and sinks the eight ball to win. “Am I allowed to vomit in my own pocket?”
Ken says, “Sure.”
Things here are going downhill fast. I, the most sober member of our party, must be off for the night, as I fear our course is leading us down a treacherous path with only one possible outcome: Jack is about five minutes from projectile vomiting and passing out on the cold floor of his basement. I don’t want to be here when that happens. I’ll let Ken take care of him. For now, please enjoy these video clips from the other night, when Ken, Katie, Jack and I participated in the second annual Swan Fungus Movie-And-Booze Drinking Game.
Video 1 – Three spins in thirty seconds force us all to drink, except for Jack, who declares “It’s more you” on a spin that landed clearly on his shot glass. He quit the game soon after this flurry of excitement.
Video 2 – We move the camera to focus more on our drinking. We discuss whether or not we should move to half-shots, and I respond by taking a shot. Was it even my turn? I don’t remember. This was still early in the game.
Video 2 – A quick “Bart” forces Ken to finish the shot he’d been holding for a few minutes, and to spin the wheel. By this point, we were getting much drunker, which should be obvious from our missing both a “Lisa” and a “Marge,” plus my inability to successfully pause the movie to see how far along we were.
Video 3 – Now we’re all drunk. We decide to go from shots of straight whisky to shots of whisky and Coke, because there’s still thirty minutes of movie left. Unfortunately, I had the bright idea to only pour one glass of whisky and Coke, so I come up with the brilliant idea to dunk our shot glasses into the cup and “see what comes out.” Then we argue over whether Homer says “Marge” “Bart or “Barge.”
Video 4 – I announce I have to take a piss. When I return, I realize I have let my pants fall around my ankles, and forgot to pull them up. Whoops! Then everyone contemplates watching the rest of the movie without pants.
Video 5 – I notice two quick “Homer”s, but Ken is so drunk he’s barely paying attention anymore. We try to figure out who spins next. Katie spins, we miss a “Bart”, Ken elects to delay his drinking until the next name is spoken, we talk about the spins, Katie announces she has to drive back to Rochester in six hours, and Ken finally takes his drink.
Video 6 – The credits are rolling, and I am rambling about booze and bullshit. I’ve got the giggles. I can’t finish my own sentences.
Video 7 – I try to convince Jack that he hasn’t consumed nearly enough alcohol, and offer him a shot. Then I pat him on the head and turn to walk away, smacking the glass out of his hand. It spills all over the floor, but I don’t even notice. I leave the room, and Ken tries to figure out if the drunk spilled.
The Breeders – Silver [Demo]
Pussy Galore – SM 57
High On Fire – Turk
Noxagt – Walls End
Bukka White – Shake ‘Em On Down
