Thank you Rhodri from Cardiff, UK! Your more than generous donation has pushed me ever so close to my goal for this fundraiser. We’ve got four days left, and if eight more of you donate ten dollars, we’ll beat the goal by two bucks and fifty five cents (no thanks to you, Mr. Neil)! If you have not already, please donate, dear readers. Why? My roommates are moving out and taking their turntable with them, and I don’t have money to buy a new one and the new phone/contract I have to purchase next week. If you love the music you hear on this page, and want to continue hearing it (that’s not a threat, it just means I will not be able to rip weird, rare, vinyl-only releases anymore), you should donate a few dollars to this page so that I can purchase a new turntable. There is a Paypal link at the top left corner of this page. Or, you can bid on one of my eBay auctions. Or, you can e-mail me and I’ll provide you with a mailing address if you want to send a check instead of using Paypal. Thank you. Remember, each donor will be rewarded with a personal “Thank You” gift that I will be tailoring to each person once the web-a-thon has ended (I hope you like herpes-enriched dildos!).
Hey, look, it’s Friday! And I’ve been crafting top ten lists all week in an attempt to satisfy longtime readers while also bringing new readers to the site. Fuck, what the hell can I do that’s new and fresh today? Hmm…It’s interesting. My friend Matt asked me why I had to write a top ten list at all, and I told him “Because it’s Top Ten Friday!” But after I realized he didn’t get my reference to Dress-Down Fridays at most businesses (probably because he doesn’t work, the LOSER), I mentioned how I decided way back in ’05 that I was going to create a new list every Friday because it was so easy for me to think of new ideas. But now it’s like, top tens are so totally over! Everybody’s doing them. Suddenly I realized, “holy shit — top ten idea! Thanks Matt!”
10. Movies – I’m pretty sure movies went out with the invention of broadband Internet access. It takes a lot of desire for me to leave the house and actually travel to the movie theater, because the way marketing strategies work these days means that I really only have to wait two or three months after a movie is released in theaters for it to be released on DVD. It used to be 6-12 months, but those greedy industry fuckers just can’t wait that long anymore. That’s fine with me, I’d rather spend $0 borrowing a DVD from the store and watching it at home where some asshole isn’t constantly checking their cellphone five rows in front of me than spend $12 at the Arclight. Speaking of which, Nate and I bought a dozen tickets to see the Batman movie next Wednesday at midnight. Expect a review here on Thursday.
09. Fast Food – The combination of salmonella-related news stories and my own goal of not eating fast food for a year has led me to announce that starting today (July 11th, 2008), I will not be consuming any fast food for the next 365 days. This is not hard, as I’ve actually done it once before — sort of. In 2002 I promised myself that I would not eat at any fast food burger joints every again, and I went almost 18 months without any McDonald’s, Wendy’s, etc. I still ate Domino’s pizza, though. This time, I’m going all the way. No McDonald’s, Wendy’s, In-N-Out, Chipotle (oh fuck, this is gonna be hard), definitely no Pizza Hut…I think I can do it. Last night’s Qdoba burrito will be the last fast food to grace my palette until July of 2009. Scary thought. I guess it doesn’t matter, because Fast Food is so totally “over” right now. What’s with all these people dying from food poisoning? Is that supposed to encourage the rest of us to get our Double-Doubles “animal style”? I don’t think so.
08. Social Networking – If I’ve told you kids once, I’ve told you kids a million times: MySpace is dead. Facebook is dead too. If they were people, they’d be so dead their skin would be totally rotten, and their leaking fluids would have long-ago attracted a host of scavengers to begin devouring their remains. If you don’t believe me, take a lot at your profile on your favorite social network and count the number of comments you have in the first month of 2008 vs. the first month of 2006. I don’t have enough time to do this, because I’m a very busy man with lots of important things to do, but if you take the time to do it, you’ll see exactly what I mean.
07. SMS / Text Messages – These things went out of style right alongside American Apparel clothing, if you know what I mean. Yeah, maybe in ’06 it was really cool to send bulk messages to all your friends on New Years Eve or July 4th just to say, “Wazzaup bit-ches!”, or to text your friends “BRB ON RTE-10 BE THERE 5” when you’re late to a party…but here in 2008 it’s a fucking chore to check and then delete 98% of the messages that arrive in one’s inbox every day. Last night I picked Phoebe up from work and she texted me to say, “Be down in 2 minutes”. And if she hadn’t said that, I probably would’ve freaked out and driven home, totally confused and asking myself, “WHERE THE HELL WAS SHE!? WHERE WAS SHE!” Text messages are about as useless as an eighth grade girl who loves to suck cock but has braces.
06. top ten lists – As I mentioned before, these things are so old now, they make blogger mix tapes look like hot fresh bagels straight from the oven. Ya dig? Since I’m sure you all commit my entries to memory the moment they are published, I’m sure you all remember a week or two ago when I devoted an entire post to how all these big-time news media outlets were posting top ten lists like crazy. If that’s not evidence enough that the top ten as a journalistic technique is “over”, then you’re probably the same idiot who still finds that “Bring ‘Em Young” Michael Jackson joke humorous and timely.
05. beards – It’s not just because I have a job and a girlfriend, both of which require putting an ounce of effort into looking like a respectable human being. I’ve noticed that there has been a sharp decline in the number of bearded dudes in major metropolitan cities across the United States over the last three years. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the only dudes under the age of fifty left with beards are guys who are in ironic metal bands, or guys who are going bald. Once again, I’d like you to take a look around you, maybe the people in the cubicles next to you at work, or the people on the train during your commute home tonight, and count the number of bearded dudes that you encounter. I guarantee you that if you travel back in time, or look at some old class photos from around 2004/2005, you will see many more bearded dudes. Again, I don’t have time to do this research myself right because I’m super busy and today is — HOLY SHIT! TODAY IS FREE SLURPEE DAY AT 7-11!!!! GET IT? BECAUSE IT’S JULY 11TH!!! FREE SLURPEES AT ALL PARTICIPATING 7-11s!?!?!? OHHHHHHHH FUCK! OHHHHHH SHIT! I GOTTA GO GUYS, SEE YOU TOMORROW!
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