I told you all it would happen soon. Little did I know it would only take me one day to gather my wits and leave the house to purchase one of those wildly popular frosting shots I’ve been hearing about (since yesterday) from a posh Beverly Hills bakery. You know, the ones I might have possibly called “retarded”? Yeah, I got one. I originally planned my day around going to the Apple store, but I wound up going everywhere except the Apple store. So, sit right back and I’ll regale you with a short story of burgers and frosting.
Nicci picked me up at noon and we drove to The Apple Pan, one of the oldest burger stands in Los Angeles. We’d been planning to go there for quite some time, but today was the first time we were both off from work and didn’t have anything better to do. For those of you who do not know the restaurant, it’s located in West Los Angeles, far enough down Pico Boulevard to make one wonder if they’ve entered Santa Monica yet. The building, which has not changed since its opening in 1947, consists of a single U-shaped counter surrounding the central food prep area. There are maybe twenty stools situated around the counter, which results in a steady SRO atmosphere. When one enters, you must first size up the other folks in the restaurant, so you can be sure of your place in line. Most people, when they enter, have a favorite “side” of the room. Fate compelled me to bring Nicci to the right-hand side. We found two seats after maybe fifteen minutes of waiting. Immediately, the gentleman behind the counter asked if we were ready. Knowing the gist of the menu, and the speed with which the waiter speaks and acts, I rapidly asked for a hickory burger with cheddar. Nicci ordered the same. He said, “fries?” I said “two”. He said, “Cokes?” I said “two”. Fifteen seconds later, we had two plates of piping hot, crispy french fries and two cold cans of Coke thrust in front of us. The waiter grabbed a bottle of ketchup and poured a healthy serving onto a third plate. The burgers arrived — wrapped only in wax paper, no plates — very quickly. It was fucking amazing. The hickory flavor was not too dominant, but it was present enough in each bite to add a real zesty flavor. In my expert opinion (remember: I have a refined palate, and love food — no…wait, I’m thinking of somebody else who isn’t me), it tasted as good as that first breath of fresh air after you’ve plowed a chick in the mouth. All told, our dining experience lasted less than thirty minutes. I guess that makes it fast food.
From The Apple Pan, Nicci and I drove to Sprinkles on Santa Monica Boulevard near Rodeo Drive. Ugh. That area blows. I dropped her off with my camera and instructions to order two frosting shots and take some photos of the bakery’s interior. I parked and waited for her outside. When she reentered the car, she announced that they only cost seventy-five cents each. I was expecting five dollars, because it was a really upscale bakery. The frosting shot was otherworldly. Mine was vanilla frosting, and Nicci’s was cream cheese frosting. I don’t think I’ve had frosting that good since…Magnolia Bakery cupcakes when I lived back East? I’m kind of growing on the idea of a frosting shot, actually. It’s like eating an Atkins-friendly cupcake. All sugar, no carbs. I guess that would be my rationale if I actually cared about what kind of crap I put into my body. Instead, I eat bacon and eggs fifty times a week and wash it down with beers and cookies.
We skipped the Apple Store and went to Target to try and buy me a night table, but that part of the trip is really boring and not worth mentioning. Although, I’m mentioning it right now, so…I’m going to move on to my next thought now.
Before leaving Target, we stopped next door at BevMo for some beers. I wasn’t going to mention this, but it’s probably a good idea to show all of you who donated money to this website how the remainder of your money is being used. I’m getting drunk! I’ve already consumed a can (!!!) of Maui Brewing CoCoNuT Porter, and I’m working on a bottle of Lagunitas Cappuccino Stout. The real prize of the day was finding a bottle of Stone’s Twelfth Anniversary Bitter Chocolate Oatmeal Stout. My dick is hard just thinking about drinking it.
