Hey kids, it looks like we’re going to San Diego one day soon.
Yes, you read that correctly. No, it will not be a permanent move. Hell, I’d be surprised if I spent more than six hours there. Nevertheless, I will definitely be in San Diego very, very soon.
I won’t be in San Diego for Comic-Con, though I hear the Watchmen panel and the LOST panel are going to be quite the jaw-dropping experiences. I won’t be in San Diego to watch a baseball game, because whenever I go to see the Mets these days, they lose! I won’t be in San Diego to visit the Stone brewery…well, I will be in San Diego to visit the Stone brewery, but I won’t be there any time soon. I won’t be in San Diego to track down the pier where my deceased cousin Danny once filmed a chorus line of men in cut-offs rollerblading to old Village People songs, and presented me with the VHS tape at my Bar Mitzvah. Oh no, I’m going to be in San Diego for an entirely different reason: frosting shots.
According to Sign On San Diego, the hottest trend at local bakeries is to offer customers a shot of cupcake frosting in a paper cup. Oh, wait a minute, San Diego isn’t even mentioned in the article as being a hot-bed of this rapidly growing underground culture. In fact, I don’t really have to travel very far if I want to try one of these frosting shots. I can go to Sprinkles Cupcakes in Beverly Hills. Why the hell was this article published by an online subsidiary of the San Diego Union-Tribune? I don’t get it.
Wait a minute — people in Beverly Hills are into downing shots of frosting? Now this I’ve got to see. Maybe tomorrow I’ll wash down my Apple Pan burger with a nice little frosting shot from Sprinkles. Yeah, that’ll make for a fun off day. Don’t worry, I’ll make sure I have a designated driver. A ha. A ha ha. That’s a joke, see, because the most common references to “shots” involve alcohol, and alcohol is known to impair one’s ability to operate a vehicle! Gee gosh golly, my sense of humor sure is bawdy today.
Tanya Steel (porn star alert?), editor-in-chief of Epicurious.com, the website where gourmands go to dish about their favorite restaurants (I think, I’ve never visited the site before and I’m too lazy to check it out right now, so I could very well be making up a completely random business model for them) says “I can imagine it being at parties. It’s a great thing to have at an office party. It provides just a little bite of sweetness and yumminess without going whole hog.†Yeah, I can totally imagine it being at parties, too. I can so, like, picture people in an office waring Hawaiian shirts on casual Friday, playing limbo and taking shots of frosting. Jesus woman, what are you fucking retarded? The types of people who would go to a bakery and ask for a shot of frosting are not the types of people who hold office jobs. They’re either dumbshit rich housewives who’d rather show off their Hummer on the way to the bakery than lay on the couch eating Bon Bons all day, or they’re pathetic bloggers — like myself — who want nothing more than to have their picture taken taking a shot of frosting the day after they’ve written about what a moronic “trend” it is to buy a shot of frosting.
Talk about your all-time slow news days…I can think of five hotter food trends that haven’t made the news yet. Just you wait, though. They will.
1. Paper – Pieces of paper have long been used by middle school girls with eating disorders as a method for feeling full while not actually consuming anything with caloric value. Since our nation is grossly overweight (one recent article estimated that one-in-four Americans are fat asses), expect paper to start showing up on menus at high-class eateries across the country very soon. I think it’s more commonly served “wide ruled” but at most restaurants you can ask for “college ruled” and they’ll understand your request.
2. Pussy – Much like sushi, soups or salad dressings, pussy varies in flavor and consistency depending on where you choose to eat it. This fact alone could account for the general distaste attributed to it. Black people hate eating pussy. Some white people do too. But, if prepared properly (you can tell a fresh pussy from a day-old pussy by its coloring, its fatty well-marbled texture, general cleanliness, and a lack of “earthy” aroma), it can be quite filling. Expect eating pussy to really catch on by 2010.
3. Paint Chips – Usually relegated to the Kid’s Menu at home-style restaurants and suburban kitchens across America, paint chips are known to be quite unhealthy. Not in a trans-fat way, but in more of a “cancer causing” way. Don’t let that scare you away from these delicacies, which have been compared favorably to Potato Chips and Doritos in a recent survey of 200 American children. And if you happen to go insane somewhere down the line, or contract a deadly disease, you can sue the makers of paint chips and probably walk away with millions in punitive damages. If there’s anything sweeter than lottery money, it’s lawsuit money. Paint Chips, people. Paint Chips.
4. Horse semen – In the backs of all your favorite nutrition centers and small dim sum shops nationwide, there is a hot new protein-enriched drink sweeping the nation. Emphasis on “hot”. Horse semen has long been thought of as a cure for straightness, or even saneness, but now it’s finally ready to go mainstream. The people responsible for Cocaine energy drink and Gatorade (you don’t really think it’s electrolytes that give you all that energy, do you? It’s alligator semen, man!) will be branding and distributing Horse Semen protein shakes by years end. Just you wait.
5. Stray cat – You’ve see them all over the streets of Los Angeles forever. But maybe you’ve noticed fewer cats wandering under parked cars on your slummy Echo Park side-street recently. No, the coyotes haven’t descended from the hills to prey on cats with more frequency, they’re simply being rounded up, killed and processed into tasty treats. In their most common form, they can be found wrapped in bacon and stuffed in cheese. The difference between this snack and a hot dog is that it’ll most likely be called a hot cat by those “in the know”.
