8:10pm – As I sit down on the couch at Nicci’s with my first beer of the evening (Lagunitas Lucky #13), I recall the last time I tried to “live blog” an event: WMFU’s Request-A-Thon with Yo La Tengo. God, was that boring. At least this time I’ll be drunk. Today at 711 I actually gave the store manager my phone number so that he can call me when the next batch of rare beers arrive. He’s by far the shadiest character I’ve ever willingly traded phone numbers with, but there’s something entertaining about mingling with weirdos. That guy is definitely a weirdo. Anyway, it’s time to start drinking, there are still roughly two hours left until the new episode.
8:18pm – Nicci has poured herself a one-serving bottle of White Zinfandel. I’m having some difficulty getting her to give herself up to the dark side of geeky craft beers.
8:22pm – Ass Face opens her mouth for the first time, and all I hear is shit.
8:23pm – Nate comes home from a 13-hour work day and drops a bombshell. He says his “industry insider” friends in reality TV told him that Lisa won the whole thing. Just as I am about to hurl my laptop across the room, he tells me he was “just bullshitting.” Thanks a lot, dick.
8:49pm – Gail Simmons of Food & Wine Magazine has alien eyes and a massive chest. She’s a full-grown woman, and looks like she could take a big dick.
9:00pm – With one hour to go until the finale part two, Nate, Nicci and I are constructing our “top five” lists of people we’re allowed to sleep with even if we’re in a committed relationship. Our lists consist entirely of Gossip Girl cast members. That little blonde girl ranks as number one for both Nate and I, but Nicci informs us that she was born in 1993. Depression sinks in as I realize I couldn’t even potentially ask the girl, “Remember Nirvana?” without her questioning what the hell I’m talking about. Creepy.
9:22pm – In honor of Ass Face Lisa, Nate has prepared his dinner using the much-maligned top chef contestant’s favorite ingredient: rice. The rice will be served in the same manner in which Lisa serves all her rice dishes: wrongly cooked. Whether or not Nate chooses to under or over-cook his rice will remain unknown until the dish has been plated.
9:25pm – Nicci and I judge Nate’s rice to be undercooked, and Nate responds by crossing his arms, making his best ass face, and telling us, “Thanks for congratulating me for still being here.” Nicci and I laugh and congratulate him on winning the bronze meta (“So there”)l. Top Chef inside jokes are the best jokes. Actually, LOST inside jokes are the best inside jokes. And now, if you will, a moment of silence for the passing of Season Four of LOST.
9:28pm – Nicci decides on the first rule of the Top Chef drinking game. We should drink every time Lisa pisses us off. All three of us immediately reach for our drinks, even though Dale and Stephanie are currently on-screen.
9:39pm – While researching who of the three finalists faced the most eliminations, I think I just saw who won. Fuck you Wikipedia! Fuck you in your fucking ass!
9:54pm – Mark arrives while the three of us are discussing elephant walks and the rules of the popular masturbatory game “Ookie Cookie”. Also, Nate and I have decided that if you you realize you can suck your own dick and you do it, you’re not gay. But, if a clone of you suddenly appears and you suck your clone’s dick, you’re gay. Six minutes until the finale begins. I’m trying to drink faster so I forget all about what I just saw on Wikipedia.
9:58pm – It’s time.
10:04pm – Padma’s nipples are hard as she briefs the contestants on the rules of the final challenge. She’s a great looking lady (nasty scars are “in” these days), but I’m kind of wishing it was Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine whose nipples were hard. Nicci made me promise that if I ever had the chance, I would motorboat Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine’s boobies. And, well, what the girlfriend wants…
10:09pm – Ass Face says something about how she’s a simple chef who doesn’t “over-think” things like Richard does. The line is delivered in a condescending tone. Doesn’t she know that he’s the best chef on the show? And maybe what she perceives as “over-thinking” is just thinking? I mean, I know he likes to smoke things and use liquid nitrogen, but if preparing good meals is “over-thinking” and constantly fucking up is a good thing, then I guess Lisa should be crowned Top Chef. It’s not rocket science. The guy is simply smarter than she is; he’s a smart chef and she’s a fucking moron.
10:11pm – First commercial break. The beer I’m drinking now is Black Flag Imperial Stout. It’s good, but a lot of hops and a lot of coffee in the flavor. The 11% ABV certainly feels nice in my buzzed bones.
10:21pm – First sighting of Gail Simmons Food & Wine Magazine. The establishing shot showed her wearing a green dress, but we have yet to see her massive boobs. I’m sure they look totally motorboat-able.
10:22pm – Second commercial break. Stephanie and Richard both said they feel tense and nervous, while Lisa said she feels cool and confident. I’d say she’s finally realized that she knows she’s not winning, but to do so would be to underestimate Lisa’s complete fucking idiocy. That seems like a really long and confusing sentence, but I’ve been drinking, and the beers are just now starting to take their effect on my cognitive abilities.
10:24pm – Nicci says something about the old, fat, bald guy at the judge’s dining table being her “number one” (see: 9:00pm), to which I feel like responding, “Alright then, the 13 year old girl from Gossip Girl is back in play!”
10:26pm – And we’re back! Only one more commercial break!?
10:27pm – Ted Allen is there, and I guarantee right now that his vote for best dessert is for Richard’s bacon ice cream. That guy enjoys anything with bacon. Ted Allen is the “me” of Top Chef. And by “me” I mean he loves bacon. Bacon.
10:31pm – Richard’s second course is a bust, and everyone loves Lisa’s. The fat guy from Zagat’s asked for seconds. Gross. Great, and everyone disliked Stephanie’s second course. It’s looking like a choice between Lisa and Stephanie. What a fuck? Also, why the hell is the Zagat’s guy even there? Aren’t those guides written entirely by outside reviewers? What other qualification does he have that you or I don’t have?
10:33pm – The judge who looks like a pedophile (he was paired with Richard the day before) likes Lisa’s third course. But Tom just called it “pedestrian”. Ha! Nate and I think pedophile chef is a tool, but Nicci likes him because he looks like a “finger puppet master”. I think she means he talks with his fingers all the time. Lots of air quotes.
10:36pm – Service is done, but Ted Allen chooses not to comment on the bacon ice cream. The rumor on this couch is that all Ted Allen said throughout the dinner was “bacon”, but they cut it in post. I guess that’s the sort of joke that gets laughs when you’re hanging around with television industry workers.
10:37pm – The final commercial break before judges table. The general consensus seemed to be that no one is a clear favorite. The fact that any of the judges enjoyed a single dish prepared by Ass Face completely justifies our argument that the producers are trying desperately to make us think there is parity amongst the contestants.
10:39pm – I just saw a commercial for a P’zone, and it made me very angry because P’zones are made by Pizza Hut, and I fucking hate Pizza Hut. By the way, I called the other day to get one of my six free pizzas, and I was informed that I no longer get six pizzas, I could only get one. I almost threw a shit fit, but decided I would silently eat my one pizza and then never order from Pizza Hut again. But guess what? Pizza Hut screwed up the order!!! No joke. I fucking hate Pizza Hut and will never eat there again. But God…what I wouldn’t give for one last P’zone.
10:41pm – We’re back! Judges table! The last of my beer!~\\
10:43pm – First shot of Lisa with her arms crossed.
10:45pm – First shot of Lisa’s ASS FACE actually being an ass face.
10:47pm – Lisa 2. Stephanie 2. Richard 0. Richard says he “choked”. God, I hope he finishes in front of Lisa.
10:50pm – TED ALLEN ASKS WHEN HAAGEN DAZS OR BREYERS WILL START PRODUCING BACON ICE CREAM!
10:52pm – Last commercial break before we have a new Top Chef. Our prections are:
Nate – Stephanie, Lisa, Richard.
Nicci – Stephanie, Lisa, Richard.
Evan – Stephanie, Richard, Lisa…I just can’t give Lisa 2nd. I can’t. I CANT’T!
Mark – Stephanie, Lisa, Richard.
10:57pm: Before we hear who the winner is, I’d just like to tell you that tonight’s blog entry is brought to you by the Glaad family of products.
10:59pm: Stephanie is the winner, but this could have ended better. They did not announce an order for the runners up, so technically Lisa and Richard tied. I would have liked for there to have a been a bronze medal, and I would have liked to see Lisa win that bronze medal. I would have liked to hear a judge tell her, “you did not belong here with Richard and Stephanie”, but this will never be the case. Usually we move on, forgetting the runners up. This year, though, it’s going to be different. As hard as I try, I will never be able to wipe Lisa or her ASS FACE from my memory. I have been branded. No, wait. I have been scarred by her. Here’s hoping next season goes better than this one did.
