Now that last year is but a distant memory, a website calling itself babycenter-dot-com has created a list of the top 100 baby names of 2007. For girls, the top ten names were (in descending order): Olivia, Kaitlyn, Emily, Hailey, Addison, Ava, Madison, Emma, Isabella, Sophia. Those names are all stupid and boring. Although I’ve dated 1/5th of the names on that list, and Fawn’s cat is called Madison, so clearly new parents don’t know shit about baby names. For boys, the top ten names were Matthew, Logan, Jack, Jackson, Noah, Caden, Jayden, Jacob, Ethan, Aiden. What is this, a rhyming dictionary?
Parents, let me give you some advice. Stop giving your children such stupid, pretentious names. They’re going to grow up hating you because they’ll have to deal with even dumber people who don’t know how to correctly pronounce and or spell their names. Trust me, I deal with this almost every day of my life thanks to my idiotic surname. Not only that, kids with names like Caden, Jayden and Brayden (number 16 on the list) are just going to get their asses kicked every day once they graduate from pre-school. Trust me, kids with unique names are always viewed as dufuses by the cool kids.
Here’s a list of my top ten baby names for boys and girls, with brief explanations for why they are so fucking cool.
Girls
10. Krakatoa – If you want your girl to grow up confident (unlike those insecure girls who cut themselves or join the cheerleading squad), name her after a volcanic island somewhere near Java.
09. Diet Pepsi – I’ll bet that Pepsi Cola would pay you vast sums of money for you to name your daughter after one of their delicious products.
08. Voluntary – If you’re a “free spirit,” there is no better name that will instill a sense of independence and liberation in your child like Voluntary.
07. Perfection – Way to rub it in the face of every other couple that got married and had a child, ever. They haven’t achieved perfection like you have, once you’ve shit out a kid and called it Perfect.
06. Sacajawea – These days, parents name their kids after dumb celebrities (or dumb celebrity children). That’s why baby girls get named Paris or Britney. How about you pay respect to a historical figure who wasn’t famous for being a stupid slut or having a series of sex tapes.
05. Stanley – If you simply have to be one of those parents who thinks of an unusual name for the child, don’t puss out and only go halfway. Lots of girls have names likes Reagan or Morgan or Jordan. How about Stanley. The only Stanley I’ve ever known was a balding fat Jew lawyer from New Jersey. When I look at a baby girl, I want to think about that guy.
04. Uzbekistan – With more and more babies being named after places, why not go for broke and pick a place that really sucks shit and no sane parent would ever choose to name their child after. Fuck names like “Brooklyn” (number 43) or Sydney (number 35), or Charlotte (number 78), Uzbekistan will definitely be the coolest kid on her street.
03. Mistake – For the parent who likes to say it like it is.
02. Vagina Face -Because two first names is all the rage these days, and every little girl has annoying parents who call them “CJ” or “Ashley Paige,” shove that trend right back in the face of those fuckers by calling your daughter “Vagina Face.” I like the sound of that. If I have a little girl someday, I’ll call her Vagina Face LeVine. Pretty!
01. Ugly – If you want to make sure your little princess doesn’t grow up to be a dumb slut like all her stupid friends, give her a name like Ugly. It’s perfect, because she’ll hate herself way too much to let any of the boys at school touch her private parts, and you won’t have to worry about any pregnancy scares until she’s old enough to legally change her name to something stupid, like Kaylee, or Chloe.
Boys
10. Detroit – The most unsafe city in the country. Name your son after it, and he’ll grow up to be the kid that beats all the nerds up at school.
09. Jesus – Who knows, he could really be the Messiah someday…
08. Stalker – Odds are, some stupid bitch is gonna call him that one day anyway.
07. Elevator – Because…why not?
06. Bond – Every little boy wants to grow up to be James Bond. You can help by naming your son after him. If you dress him in little suits all the time and let him play with toy guns, he’ll be the coolest fucking kid EVER.
05. Sheriff – Next to James Bond, every boy wants to grow up to be a policeman or a fire fighter. Even if he decides to be a lawyer, doctor, or miner someday, he’ll be able to walk around telling people his name is Sheriff, and I think that’s awesome.
04. Beavis – On the off-chance your son does grow up to be a nerd, at least none of the kids at school will be able to get away with calling him a butthead.
03. Einstein – If your son is retarded, people who mock his condition won’t be able to insult him by stating, “Nice goin’, Einstein,” because it won’t be ironic. If they try to say it anyway, they’ll become so confused by the lack of irony in their statement that their heads might explode, and if there’s one thing I know I want my son to see someday, it’s another dude’s head exploding.
02. Mug – It has to be said with the right tone of voice, which can be attained by coaching yourself into feeling equal parts disdain and disgust. Think of the ugliest person you’ve ever met, and say to yourself, “Oh man, would look at the mug on that.” Notice the cadence of your voice when you get to “Mug.” This is always how you should call your son. “Hey, Mug, come downstairs for dinner.”
01. Straight – You don’t want one of those gay kids, do you? Well, this pretty much ensures the little dude will grow up to love the taste of pussy.
PS – The little dude in the picture is my baby cousin Hisham. He comes courtesy of my cousins Becky and Ramzi. Ain’t he adorable?
