I’ve been at work all day, and I’m meeting a friend for dinner in a short while, so I’m going to use today’s December Friday to make another year end list. But it’s going to have to be quick. So, without any further ado, a very self-absorbed list.
THE TOP TEN TOP TEN LISTS OF 2007
Honorable Mention: Top Ten Underrated Things, Top Ten Worst Boomers, Top Ten Despicable Words, Top Ten Chain Restaurants, Top Ten Things That Really Stick In My Craw,
Top Ten Bad Conversation Topics For First Date.
10. – Top Ten Nutritious Habits Of The Planet’s Least Healthiest Person – See, it’s funny because I am not very healthy. I don’t eat healthy, and I don’t quite understand what constitutes a healthy diet. Those two facts right there pretty much define me as the worst person to take advice from when it comes to food. It’s also a perfect recipe for a humorous top ten list.
09. – Top Ten Worst Human Behaviors, And How I’m Guilty Of Them All – We all know that my writing truly shines when I am the subject. Combine that with my complete disregard for social norms and my uncouthness, and you’ve got a great checklist of how not to act in public, or at any time whatsoever.
08. – Top Ten Things To Do When It’s Hot Outside – I moved to L.A. this year, and I was slightly unprepared for how disgustingly hot it can get in the summer. The sun bearing down on me, shining through my bedroom window, bronzing my shoulders and the back of my neck, I could barely take it. Oh, did I mention I had no air conditioning at the time? Yeah, the summer was a pretty miserable time to be alive, and my mounting frustration led to a great list.
07. – Top Ten Things That Confuse Me – I’m not the brightest lamp on the street. I’m not the sharpest crayon in the box. Lots of things baffle me. I just figured I’d name a few things and see if I could find a way to wrap my brain around them, in the hopes that maybe afterwards they wouldn’t vex me so much. I was wrong.
06. – Top Ten Women In Film Based Solely On Their Lookin’ Supa-Fine! – Ashlea and Marika and everyone who thinks I’m a closet misogynist must have really loved this list. It’s basically me communicating which actresses I’ve wanted to fuck at various points in my life. Because all women are objects, and deserve to be placed in descending order according to their fuckability.
05. – Top Ten “What The Fuck?” – What the shit, people? What the fuck?
04. – Top Ten Of Bullshit – This was the most commonly searched for top ten list of the year, according to my fancy web stats. I don’t know exactly how many times it was viewed, but it was definitely more than any other list. Still, that doesn’t make it number one on the list. It’s pretty good, just not the best.
03. – Top Ten Things To Stop Doing In Your 20s – I like how this one got so much publicity from people linking to it on their MySpace and Facebook profiles that somebody from The Sun Journal actually took the time to comment about how they weren’t the people responsible for writing the article, it was written somebody else in Colorado — they just published it. Well, no shit, asshole. I never said that it was written by a Sun Journal employee, I called the author out by name! No wonder nobody reads newspapers anymore. They have retards working for them.
02. – Top Ten Of Fatherly Advice – If there’s one thing I like more than objectifying women (in print), it’s condescending to my readers. That’s why I have to sometimes sit you all on my knee, pat you on the back and impart some sage advice. Take it, I dare you. Your life will suddenly find meaning.
01. – Top Ten Pick-Up Lines – I mean, come on. How good are these pick-up lines? How many times have you already used them? I know, I know, you don’t want to give me credit for getting you laid. Well, too bad. I’m taking credit. Deal with it.
