October, 2007
Harmful or harmless, careful or careless. Snakes wrap themselves around withering branches on rotting trees. Coiled like lovers who never know coldness. It came again last evening, or the one before, I don’t remember details anymore. So much passion and mumbled words between melding lips. She and I were soldered and unbreakable, but already broken and irreparable. No souls, no bodies, the lifeless husks of unloved beings shrunken and deformed, shells not yet noticed by maddened mortals. Even a quenchless thirst for reciprocation is not enough to demand attention. It is gray and hazy this morning, but the neighboring children all scream, and laugh, and play in a concrete jungle across the street. Their joy brings me joy when the sun is smothered, lost and forgotten. Fearful or fearless, hopeful or hopeless. When bed frames creak in pitch-black rooms with drawn shades and sleepless occupants, panic seizes watchful eyes. Wide, white, and brimming with want and need, they light up an otherwise sterile space. Pinhole-sized cosmic rays burn through flesh, burrow in chests, search for darkness that can be transformed into light. Radiation seeps through walls and drips from ceilings where the rain leaks during downpours. Once it has found its way under your skin you are forever changed, and there is no chance for salvation. Mindful or mindless, faithful or faithless. Down alleys formed by torrents rushing through canyons come the voices of recently departed spirits. They cascade between the walls, riding roaring currents, delighted to be at peace. An eternity of rest is always welcome after a period of rejection and stress. A playground for the deceased can be anywhere at all. Nights and days alike pass unnoticed like ships too far from shore to hear mission bells and foghorns. Only crashing waves and distant faded glowing orbs obscured by early morning fog. We are two buoys set adrift by passing vessels and open ocean currents. Flavorful or flavorless, meaningful or meaningless. A life lived without sorrow or emotional anguish is not a life rich in experience. Even in the wake of particularly torturous events there are moments of such blinding clarity and serenity that most any horrible ordeal becomes worthwhile. The trick is to outlast the pain without seeking pity from outside sources or the self. The added pride that comes from surviving a perilous situation is enough to carry even the weakest of us for many, many years. As vague as it all sounds, I assure you this is true.
