This week’s Friday Top Ten is actually being presented on a Friday. After last week’s mishap, I have vowed to never embarrass myself like that again. “How do you know it’s Friday?” You might be asking. Well, I know this because each day between now and the 30th is one less day I have to find a new place to live. This small fact has made me pay very close attention to exactly what day it is, and the amount of hours I have remaining to find a new domicile (the correct answer as of writing this sentence: 370).
I love reading CNN’s website, because they always tend to push actual news into the margins and promote entertainment-related and “lifestyle” articles over national and international headlines. For example, if you had clicked through to their site this morning (Pacific Standard Time), you would have seen one of the top stories was a feature about 5 Nutritious Habits Of The Planet’s Healthiest Countries. It’s all the same things you’ve heard a million times about how to eat healthy. Produce and whole grains! Slow down! Portion control! Yeah, those truisms might be easy to digest (pun alert!), but they don’t shed any new light on the subject. Here’s a list of 10 Nutritious Habits, as put forward by me, someone who knows absolutely nothing about healthy living, but is still alive and kicking after almost 24-and-a-half years.
Top Ten Nutritious Habits Of The Planet’s Least Healthiest Person
10 – Walk To/From Meals – Trust me, I know how easy it is to ring the guesthouse and ask Gustav to fix you a piping hot bowl of Kraft Mac and Cheese. I’m constantly struggling not to rely on my servants to do everything for me. One day I realized the most important service I could ask is for them to do nothing at all. Now I find myself walking to the refrigerator or pantry to find my own sustenance. If I feel like a burrito, I’ll walk to Los Burritos or Burrito King. I don’t need to call the limo service for someone to drive me there, and I definitely don’t need to go through the hassle of driving the H3 around the block just for some chow. I hear it’s healthy to walk off a hearty meal. I also hear it’s healthy to just walk around in general. Would you believe that some people walk places…for fun? What a world!
09 – Cola vs. Water – Though tempting and delicious, cola (or as I like to call it “sodey pop!”) is actually not that good for us. According to “scientists,” it can rot your teeth and its full of empty calories. Even diet soda contains Aspartame, which has come under fire recently for causing brain tumors, brain lesions and lymphoma. I also heard it chemically fattens you. Water, on the other hand, tastes like shit and isn’t nearly as flavorful. All it does is keep you hydrated and curbs your appetite. I know it sucks, but it helps to drink a couple bottles of water a day. When it comes to water, we’re supposed to consume half our weight in ounces every day. I used to consume that much cola every day, and now I’m somewhere in the middle. I get about two cans of soda and a few bottles of water each day. Do the same, or DIE.
08 – Tell Fellow Diners Jokes – This isn’t really nutritional, but one tip I can offer you is to tell a joke when you’re eating with friends or family. Laughter is nature’s medicine. It keeps you young and good-looking, like me. I’m twenty-four and I don’t look a day over twenty-four. Do you know why? Because of laughter. Laughter saved my father’s life on the beach at Normandy. For that, I invite laughter to dine with me anywhere, at any time of day. What, you’re too good to have him join you at your dinner table? Well, fuck you!
07 – Red Red Meat – Is it any wonder herbivores are always abnormally pale, with hollow, sunken eyes? Look at these people (one, two), they’re dying. Sure, they might exude a smug sense of self-worth when you talk to them on the street, but inside they’re empty and listless. They don’t have any energy, which is a product of their not consuming the energy of other species. I’m up and around all the time, having fun and smiling all day and night. I attribute this to eating lots and lots of smaller, defenseless animals. Why? Because it’s nature! Herbivores are quick to spit out soundbytes about how eating another animal or drinking its milk is unnatural. How dumb is that? A lion would just as quickly eat you as you would eat a pig. I see animals drinking milk all the time. Where’s the problem with having a food chain? And if you hate the fact that people eat meat or eat cheese and drink milk, stop making products that are supposed to mimic the tastes of those things. You look like an asshole when you eat a Boca Burger. How about you just stick to plants and fruit and see how long and healthily you live, asshole. Here’s a soundbyte for you: for every animal you don’t eat, I’ll eat two.
06 – Huge Breakfast, Nothing Else! – Although I rarely do so anymore, my favorite meal as a child was a short stack of buttermilk pancakes, two eggs sunnyside up, a side order of bacon and a sesame bagel, to be washed down with a glass of orange juice, milk or a soda. I would eat this at least once a week if not more often, and multiple times a week if I was on vacation. I weighed 47 pounds for over two years, so it couldn’t have been unhealthy. Now if I eat a meal like that, I just won’t eat for the rest of the day. What’s the point? They say breakfast is the most important meal, so make it stick. Eat literally everything you can fit in your system without regurgitating it, and then take the rest of the day off to get your work done and hang out with friends.
05 – Multivitamins and Speed – I sometimes take a multivitamin if I want to feel like I’m actively trying to better my immune system. I like the fact that I’m getting potentially 1250% of my daily value of vitamin B6. But as good as it feels to be taking control of my life it doesn’t stop me from getting hungry a few hours later. That’s why I wholly endorse the use of amphetamines, ephedrine and caffeine as appetite suppressants. I took a handful of my diet pills sophomore year of college and went to classes one afternoon, and it seemed like they only lasted ten minutes. How cool is that? Not very cool, but it sure made school go by a lot quicker. I also dropped to a frighteningly low weight that year, so it’s also really healthy and nutritional in some way.
04 – Starvation Isn’t THAT Deadly – To that end, don’t feel bad about taking a day off from eating if you’re not feeling your best. It takes at least a week to die from starvation.
03 – Reward Yourself – Once you see yourself through to the other side, reward yourself with something really, really unhealthy. Like Dominos pizza, or steak, potatoes and eggs. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as its the most disgusting thing you can think of at the time. Yesterday I didn’t have any food in the apartment, so I just didn’t eat all day. Then I went to Whole Foods and got myself a pound and a half of turkey and sausage lasagna and a potato pancake. Bam! Reward! I washed it down with a bottle of Penta water and a twenty-ounce Vanilla coke, and It felt great.
02 – Alcohol – You always see articles about how a glass of wine decreases your risk of heart disease, or an aperitif before bed can promote a healthy sleep cycle. Well, that’s pretty good, but I’m willing to bet a small fortune that a whole bottle of wine can really cut your risk of heart disease. If you shotgun a beer it can cure cancer. A handle of Makers will prevent against contracting HIV. See, I can make stupid claims too. Just like the FDA.
01 – Everything In Moderation – That’s the goal, people. And this isn’t just about nutrition. It goes for everything in life. Don’t overeat. Have the recommended size portion, and if you can’t finish a meal just take it home and eat it tomorrow. That about covers food, so what about other areas of life where moderation matters. Well, if your bloodlust extends beyond eating red meat, and you’re feeling a bit like Anthony Hopkins in “Silence of the Lambs,” just don’t get all crazy about it. Murder in moderation. Say you enjoy smelling like an ashtray and slowly committing suicide over a twenty-to-fifty-year period, you can smoke cigarettes in moderation, too. This bitch just turned 100 and she smokes. Want to go out and get drunk? Fine, but just don’t give yourself alcohol poisoning. Like smack? Just don’t overdose. Have a thing for little boys? Whatever, mister priest sir, just stay away from my family. You see what I’m getting at people? MODERATION!
