Oh, these busy days! They don’t give me any opportunity to do the things I want to do, like sit around in my boxers all day, eating corn chips and drinking Coke. Instead, Fawn called at the ungodly hour of 11:00am asking if I wanted to do laundry, complain to the car wash place for screwing up her car, and go to the farmer’s market. Jeez lady, what am I, made of energy!?
I’m kidding. I like hanging out with Fawn and trying to zing her at every opportunity. We accomplished all our errands today, and I just got home a few minutes ago. I haven’t eaten, the Mets game is almost half-over, and I’m going to stir fry some shrimp and vegetables as soon as I finish this. I apologize for the rushed tone, but there are a million other things I would rather be doing right now than updating this page. Wait, what a perfect segue into this week’s Top Ten!
TOP-TEN THINGS I’D RATHER DO WITH MY FRIDAY:
10 – the boxers and chips and Coke thing – As stated above. Sitting around in my boxers all day, eating chips and drinking soda has been my life for the past five or six months. Why on Earth would I want to change the routine and do something new? This has worked out pretty well for me so far. I wake up, I toast a bagel, I read the news, I apply to some jobs, I maybe run an errand or two, I read the news and apply for more jobs, and then I eat dinner and go out for the night. Altering this incredible schedule is only going to make me grumpy. It’s like in high school, when you have 5th period lunch with all your friends, and then halfway through the year they change you to 8th period lunch because Intro To Electronic Music is only available 5th period. Great, now I’m eating lunch with the fucking AP physics nerds. Thanks a lot, assholes!
9 – watch a “pick-up artist” marathon – I was lucky enough to receive an invitation to watch the second episode of this incredible television program last night, and I was not disappointed. I don’t know how many episodes have aired, but I know that certain networks love to take their reality shows and turn them into weekend mini-marathons. I bet if I had stayed home today (and actually had a television in my apartment) I could have watched The Pick-Up Artist all morning and afternoon. If not, I guess a CSI or Law And Order marathon would have been a close second.
8 – drink in the park – When I was here looking for apartments in January, Steve, Ilya and Lyz were trying to figure out cool things I could do while they worked all day. Ilya made the suggestion that I simply buy some liquor and hang out in the art park. What a god damned genius! I don’t think I’ve ever even sniffed a law enforcement agent anywhere near any of the area parks. If I was going to leave the house, one of my best options would be to buy a Fat Tire longneck or a 375 of JD and a bottle of Coke, and enjoy the perfect weather in a lush, green environment.
7 – fake my way through an n.a. meeting – It’d be pretty funny, right? Because it’s always a laugh riot to converse with people who have serious problems. Also, it might force me to face my fear of public speaking. Sure, I’d have to improvise an entire back-story on the spot, but I’m a witty guy, right? It shouldn’t be too hard to construct a cliche story of experimentation, addiction, backstabbing, lost love and…and…murder, with a room full of recovering addicts staring at me, right? I’m sure I’d be inspired by their puppy dog eyes tearing up in recognition of my (fake) trials and tribulations. I bet I’d craft the best fucking story any of those assholes ever heard. At the end of the meeting they’d probably hoist me on their shoulders (spilling my stale coffee all over my pressed, powder blue collard shirt and khakis) and carry me out of the church basement into the streets, cheering my name and making me feel like I scored the winning touchdown at the Super Bowl.
6 – baseball game – The Mets are playing the Dodgers, but it’s in New York, so I can’t go. If the game was in L.A., I’d be at the stadium in my orange t-shirt and blue hooded sweatshirt. I wore that combination when the Mets were hear last time, and nobody questioned my allegiance. I blended in with the crowd. Meanwhile, the kid in the Mets hat a few rows in front of me had a beer dumped on him and was challenged to a fight. It’s all about subtlety, I guess.
5 – busking on the promenade – Why not drive to Santa Monica with ye olde guitar, open the case, and play some tunes for the throngs of people who walk the 3rd Street Promenade each day? Apparently there are people who actually make a living doing that. And I’m better than all of them. It’s been scientifically proven, so don’t even bother trying to challenge me on that statement. How many of those street performers know how to play all of Razorblade Suitcase, Definitely Maybe, The Bends AND Freak Show? Conversely, I can take the approach of that guy from that one episode of “Home Movies” who sings a little ditty about everyone who drops change in his guitar case. And they’d be witty songs, too. Like the intoxicated, improvisational “Emo Song”.
4 – search craigslist for equipment – I’m on there everyday, crying in my bagel about how I left all my recording apparatuses back in New Jersey. I cannot even begin to describe the burning feeling in my guts that arises whenever I desire to grab the Jazzmaster (which is 3,000 miles away) and record some late-night (or, in this case, mid-afternoon) glacier-slow doom raga drones. So much inspiration, so few methods of expression.
3 – field record – There’s a viable option! I’ve got my beautiful binaural microphones, why not step out into the world and capture some sounds. Then I can come home and manipulate them and turn them into weird little “heady” sounds for my hophead friends to giggle their way through. Why the fuck I haven’t done this at all since I got to L.A. is beyond me. I kind of feel like an asshole for just remembering I had all this at my disposal, sitting right on top of my monitors, not a foot from where I’m seated.
2 – commit a crime – Fawn told me she wanted to make sure her car was locked when we were at the farmer’s market because she was afraid someone might steal our clothes. I told her not to worry about it, nobody commits a crime in broad daylight. That’s when it struck me. I should go on a daytime crime spree! No one would ever expect a daylight robbery or mugging, would they? Maybe I’ll go check out a book on the subject from my local library…
1 – road trip – Two weeks ago it was San Francisco, last month it was Vegas. If you’ve read this page since the beginning, you know all about my desire to travel the world and write about all that I encounter. Are you really that surprised I’d like to spend my Friday on the road, exploring and discovering, by my lonesome or in the company of friends? Make it happen, people. I want to snap my fingers and see some e-mails inviting me to stay in your house for free next weekend. If 450 people read this every day, I should be able to spend the next year or two living for free off the kindness of you friends of mine.
