This week started with my griping about the poor audience reception for Grindhouse, and a bold declaration that you’re all stupid if you haven’t seen the movie. Even if it wasn’t the Citizen Kane of bloodbaths, its at least slightly more conceptual than two men ice skating (oh my God, how hilarious is that movie premise!!!), or over-the-hill guys on motorcycles ($145,000,000 gross. How stupid is America?). The rest of the week was a bit scatterbrained, and I apologize for that. Usually I can keep a topic going all week.
Today I’m returning to the topic of films, by exploring the worst sequels of all time in this week’s Top Ten installment. Perhaps very tellingly, the list consists mostly of recent movies (insert “They don’t make ’em like they used to,” or “Hollywood has run out of ideas” quote here). If you arrived here today anticipating something high brows, I can’t even begin to comprehend how stupid you are.
That’s it, Evan. Insult your readers. No wonder that follow-up to “How To Win Friends And Influence People” you proposed was rejected off hand. And who titles the first chapter in a self-help book “People Are Dart Boards For Zingers,” anyway?
TOP TEN WORST MOVIE SEQUELS (That I’ve seen. Because I won’t pretend I’ve seen Dumb and Dumber-er or Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights just for a cheap laugh.)
10) An American Werewolf In Paris – Okay, I didn’t see this one. It makes the list because when I was a freshman in high school my girlfriend from the next town over broke up with me after one of her friends supposedly saw me in the theater watching this movie and feeling up another girl. No joke. Her name was Lindsey. I categorically denied the allegations for months, but she never trusted me again. What a bitch. Plus, I was watching Titanic when I felt up that other girl, not An American Werewolf In Paris. So, yeah. This one’s also stinker because they used the Bush song “Mouth” in all the advertisements.
09) The Godfather: Part III – When sixteen years pass between the middle and end of a trilogy, nothing good can happen. It’s like waiting for a new Radiohead album when you know it’s going to suck anyway (whoa, nice one, Evan! Aim a little higher next time). Maybe Francis Ford Coppola was just waiting for his beautiful (and by beautiful, I mean vile) daughter to mature enough to play Mary Corleone, by far the worst character to grace the screen in any of the Godfather movies (and that’s counting the morbidly obese guy who annoying slurped up the pasta in that one scene). Way to try and give your daughter confidence, buddy. Maybe we should blame you for Lost In Translation and Marie Antoinette, too?
08) Troll 2 – Out of all the movies on this list, Troll 2 is probably the best. If I had to endure one of these films, I’d choose this. It contains my favorite movie quote of all time—perhaps even better than every quotes on the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes list. Let me set the scene for you: Little boy Joshua and his family move to a town called Nilbog, which Joshua has been warned (by his dead grandfather) is overrun with man-eating monsters. No one seems to notice that for some reason is practically a ghost town, but whatever. Suddenly Joshua is forced into battle with the entire goblin kingdom when he finds out they want to turn his family into vegetables and eat them. In one scene, Joshua is racing through town center on his bicycle, when he glances in his rearview mirror and has a revelation. With a look of fear and exhaustion on his face, he cries, “NILBOG is GOBLIN spelled backwards!!”
Genius.
07) Jeepers Creepers II – Is there a more retarded scene in movie history than the one where the kids are stuck on the school bus, and they decide to chance it and outrun the creeper, only to get picked-off and eaten one by one? A true testament to creative filmmaking, I tell you! If ever a screenwriter needed a way to kill a lot of unnecessary characters really quickly, having them dumbly run into a trap one after the next is so much better than say, blowing up the bus, or having them drive the bus off a cliff. That would be boring. Writer/Director Victor Salva really thought outside the box for that one.
06) Rocky V – Because nobody even saw Rocky Balboa to find out how bad it was. Tommy Morrison—HIV and all—played an up and coming boxer coached by riches-to-rags Rocky, and the two eventually have an epic street fight. And by “epic street fight” I mean it lasts about forty seconds. As far as epic movie fights are concerned, the payoff fight between Rocky and Tommy in Rocky V is slightly less exciting than the climactic Rick Morehouse versus Greg Tolan punchfest in Just One Of The Guys.
05) Jurassic Park 3 – Wait, let me get this straight. You’re saying it’s not a good idea to genetically modify and clone dinosaurs, because they might “eat” me? And you’re trying to imply that science can be bad and humans shouldn’t play God? Oh, I get it now. I mean, I didn’t get it after the first two movies, but I think the third one finally made me realize what you were trying to say.
04) Clerks 2 – Not only is this the most atrocious film I’ve seen in recent years, but what the hell happened to Kevin Smith? How does someone go from being an aw-shucks indie auteur to being Kathy Griffin in such a short period of time? Have you heard this guy give one of his pretentious Q&A’s recently? Have you seen the “An Evening With Kevin Smith” DVDs? Jesus Christ, it’s like watching E! Entertainment television for an hour. And then he trots out poor addict Mewes on an invisible leash just for some cheap laughs. What the hell is wrong with this guy? He treats his friend like a slave. Why don’t you have a coronary, guy. Maybe it’ll bring you back to reality.
03) Speed 2: Cruise Control – To call this one obvious would be an injustice. This is one of the worst movies in the history of filmmaking. I’d rather watch my own circumcision on a 90-minute loop. I’d rather watch grainy footage of people biting the heads of baby kittens. I’d rather watch Rosie O’Donnell dyke-out.
02) Batman And Robin – Smug bastard George Clooney as Batman makes about as much sense as casting Hilary Duff as Colonel Kurtz in an updated rendition of Apocalypse Now. I didn’t even really enjoy the Tim Burton Batman movies, so there was no way in hell I was going to enjoy it when left under the care of the guy who directed Flatliners. I don’t know who had that genius idea, but it had to appeal to SOMEBODY in Hollywood. And I’d bet my dick that that somebody doesn’t have a job anymore.
01) The Matrix Reloaded / Revolutions – Oh, okay! Thanks for clearing that up for me!
