Listen, my readers, and you shall hear of the midnight grind of…The Best Podcast You Have. It seems as if those parties responsible for Jack’s bi-monthly feature have stumbled upon a new idea that could alter the future of your participation in the audiocast experience. Can you guess what it is? No? Well, it’s the addition of heavily-effected video footage, still images and text! For some reason, we realized last night that we had the capability to make a high-quality, small-file-sized videocast for each future episode. For five hours last night we converted video, searched for images and movies that could be weirdly juxtaposed to the aural assault that is The Best Podcast You Have, and, when the clock struck 3am, we had successfully completed three minutes of footage. Everyone is quite excited about the possibilities. Perhaps Monday will bring both new audio (episode four) and the first video (episode three). If you love tripped-out ADD-infused mindfucks, you won’t want to miss it.
Also, in the interim, Jack managed to beat The Legend of Zelda on my old Nintendo. I’d never beaten it as a child. Watching Link defeat Ganon shoot a silver arrow at Ganon brought out a lot of emotions I’m not comfortable speaking about here, so instead I’m going to list the TOP TEN Nintendo games of all time, and why I never beat them. You won’t find Mario 3 and Excitebike on this list, because I beat Mario 3 last month for the first time ever, and Excitebike never ends.
The Top Ten Nintendo Games Of All Time
10) Jaws – I used to try and cheat this game by staying at the very bottom of the ocean floor in the exact center of the screen, where no jellyfish could surprise me. In the latter stages of the game I’d have to abandon my position and venture into the dangerous middle-area, where I’d soon be killed by diagonally-moving jellyfish. I got to the screen where you can spear Jaws and electrocute him, but my timing was awful, and I eventually lost hope that I’d beat the game.
9) Mario 2 – I still stand by my theory that this is the worst of the three Mario games. Everything about it was weird and different from the first, and once the third one came out it blew everything else away. I think my sister liked Mario 2, but I couldn’t care less for it.
8) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – There were five goals to achieve in this game, which made it much different from other “save the princess” games! And, quite frankly, as a small child I didn’t have the patience to accomplish every goal that lay before me. It also didn’t help that as soon as I’d try to move my turtle above ground he would be squished by a street paver. Oh, and also, a child’s interest in a video game only goes as far as his ability to jump from one raised platform to the next, which—in this particular game—was nearly impossible.
7) Castlevania II: Simon’s Quest – I really loved the music in the game, but the game itself was too difficult for my pea-sized brain to handle. It had this feature where the music and bad guys would actually change as the day turned into night. I’d never seen a game like that before. It was the same reaction I had to realizing I could have an infielder dive for the ball in Bo Jackson Baseball.
6) Mario 1 – Considering how easy it was to get from 1-1 to 8-1 (warps), I’m shocked I could never finish the game. It’d take no more than five minutes between powering up the console and finding the hidden pipe to Level 8, but it took years to realize the final castle was impossible if you didn’t, “go in big.” I imagine it’d be easier today if I played, but it’s no guarantee. I’m just not very good at playing video games.
5) Contra – Contra was a lot of fun in 2-player mode, but man did it suck playing it alone. Another one of those games where the ability to successfully JUMP somewhere totally ruined one’s ability to succeed at the game. The guns were incredible.
4) Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out – I could only make it was far as Soda Popinski. I never even smelled a title shot against Mr. Dream. I only imagine the joy that one must feel upon knocking that asshole out…
3) Paperboy – This game was was fucking boring, I wonder if anyone had the patience to actually beat it. I always ran out of newspapers, there were never enough to cover all the houses and still have fun playing the game, so it was completely useless to even try. I got as far as Wednesday once, but by that point I only had one subscriber left on my route.
2) The Legend of Zelda – Zelda was released in an era I like to refer to as the, “Evan, you hold the map” era. Because it was a one player game, and I grew up in a two-child household, only one of us could actually play Zelda at a time. Since I was the younger child, my job was always pointing things out on the map and directing my sister from one dungeon to the next. After years of playing Zelda, we had still only collected four pieces of the tri-force. Jack got the other four and beat the game in one night.
1) Bubble Bobble – Since it’s my favorite video game, you can’t imagine what it feels like to have never beaten Bubble Bobble. We tried this once in High School where everyone got really trashed and we went through every level, but there were four of us playing, and the game was technically beaten during the other rotation, so I wasn’t playing when the game ended. Total bullshit. I almost cried then, and I’m getting a little misty-eyed right now just thinking about it.
