The early part of this afternoon has been devoted to writing tomorrow’s big year-end list. I think you’ll enjoy it. The free music will hopefully overshadow my whining. I told Ilya I’d start work on a short story today, so I’ll probably do that as soon as I finish this. Speaking of Ilya, the other night we got into a good old fashioned riff session after I expressed anger over the fact that I knew the song “Glycerine” put Bush on the map, but I couldn’t recall who the 2nd US President was. We started looking at the official White House website, skimmed the bios (which are hilarious–Chester A. Arthur’s actually says, “with clean-shaven chin and side-whiskers, [he] ‘looked like a President’.”!), and decided to caption all their pictures. It went something like this:
Ilya: That Hoover must have really sucked. Take 2 – you know things are gonna start to suck with a President named Hoover Take 3 – I wonder if people took Hoover’s election as a sign that things were about to really suck.
Evan: Next, F.D.R. was elected. His legs didn’t work.
Ilya: Subtle. I like it.
James Garfield was assassinated in 1881…this raises the question, why hasn’t some nut shot Jim Davis by now? 30 years of lasagna jokes? (By the way, tell me Garfield doesn’t look like Lenin!)
Sadly, Millard Fillmore (pictured with blueprints for the Fillmore East) never lived to see Jimi Hendrix perform on his stage. But if he did, he would’ve been 170 years old.
Evan: William Taft raped my great, great, great grandmother. Afterwards, he said, ‘She was really great.’
Ilya: How about, ‘It was really easy.’
Ulysses S. Grant wasn’t only the President, was also a client.
Ilya: James Buchanan: the only gay president? He was the only Pres. who never married…he sort of has the Morrissey hair…
Evan: Boy George recently said he’s modeled his life after James Buchanan’s.
John Quincy Adams, the only president to be an intravenous heroin addict, is shown here waiting for his morning ‘shot’.
Former Presdient Calvin Coolidge was actually very hot tempered. Coolidge, who suffered from priapism, is shown here covering his chronic boner with a textbook.
Franklin D. Roosevelt, here shown seated. Again.
Many Presidents have hidden weird fetishes from the public. Zachary Taylor, for example, spent the majority of his time in office dressing up like a marine and getting piss drunk.
Little known fact: Andrew Jackson moonlighted as a vampire. Maybe those weren’t bullet wounds on Aaron Burr’s neck…
Thomas Jefferson fought pirates, eliminated the tax on whiskey, bought the Louisiana territory (the original Williamsburg) for next to nothing, and died on July 4th, cementing his reputation as the most American motherfucker ever.
First president George Washington is depicted here welcoming some guests to the original white house’s “rape chamber”.
The first ladies are great for captions too. But I’ll spare you those.
