If you know anything about the media, you’re aware that December is the month of “Year-End” lists. And if you know anything about this website, you know that there is nothing I like more than making lists. Last December I dedicated each Friday to a different Year-End list. One of the best audience responses I received was for my list about “TOP TEN DEATHS” of 2005. So I figure, I’ve got nothing to do today, why don’t I just research a bunch of people who died this year and make fun of ’em one final time. You know, kick ’em when they’re already down. I was reminded of this awesome idea last night when someone called Z and said he heard a rumor that Bill Cosby died. It turned out to be untrue, so here’s a Cosby-less list of the top ten deaths of ’06.
TOP TEN DEATHS OF 2006
10) Jesse Donald “Don” Knotts – He played Barney Fife on “The Andy Griffith” show and someone else on “Three’s Compnay,” but I never watched that show. Apparently he was funny, but he never once appeared on an episode of “The Twilight Zone,” which is how I rate the success of actors from the ’50s and ’60s.
09) Fritz Klein – He was a Jew, and a bi-sexual. That must have been really tough for him, the nancy-boy. This is largely considered (by me) to be an unimportant death. Apparently he wrote a lot of books and started a lot of clubs for bi-sexual people, which means he was one of those in-your-face queers that you see picketing and screaming about various causes all the time, generally making everyone around them feel nauseous. His loss is nothing to dwell upon.
08) Aaron Spelling – He was a producer who gifted television audiences with such stimulating, rewarding programs as “Melrose Place,” and “Beverly Hills 90210.” Thanks a lot, jackass. What kind of creepy old dude produces vapid shows for women, anyway? Don’t most men dream about one day owning a sports franchise or a casino? I’ll tell you what kind of man wants to make TV shows for women: the useless kind. The useless and dead kind.
07) Slobodan MiloÅ¡ević – He was president of Serbia and President of the Republic of Yugoslavia. He also raped babies, burned their little bodies, and ate them. At least, that’s what it felt like if you were a kid growing up in the ’90s and you weren’t very interested in foreign affairs. Some people believe he was murdered while in prison — he died of a heart attack brought about by “unclear circumstances” — but he also might have just been jerking off.
06) Peter Benchley – He wrote the book “Jaws,” and a few other less famous books, which are highly regarded as being “meh” and “crap” by literary critics I’m making up in my head as I type this. A friend once said about Benchley, “He was a joy to know and had wonderful stories to tell. A brief one I remember him telling is about him diving in the Pacific. He saw a manta ray that was in trouble. He saved it, and the ray stayed with him and the crew for three days.” So, basically, Peter Benchley killed Steve Irwin.
05) Jack Palance / Bruno Kirby – (tie) – Who would have thought that 2006 would claim the lives of two actors who appeared in the phenomenal comedy City Slickers? Palance, of course, won an Oscar for his role in the movie (an off year for movies?), while Bruno Kirby got jack shit for playing the annoying WAP character — just like his annoying WAP character in When Harry Met Sally. To his credit, he was also in the first two Godfather movies. And yet, Billy Crystal gets to keep living. Isn’t life unfair?
04) Patsy Ramsey – She was the mother of JonBenet Ramsey, the 6-year old who was forced into a life of pageantry and beauty contests before eventually being murdered, in all likelihood, by her parents. So, basically, when mama Ramsey died of ovarian cancer, the bitch got what was coming to her.
03) Corey Lidle – He was a baseball player who pitched for a bunch of teams (including my beloved New York Mets), but he was never any good. He brought his not-goodness to the Yankees this season, where he was constantly riddled by the New York sports media. Less than 24-hours after getting into an on-air argument with Chris “Mad Dog” Russo on WFAN-660 radio, Lidle flew his plane into a building, killing himself and his flight instructor. Talk about misdirected anger.
02) Syd Barrett / Chris Penn / Kirby Puckett – (tie) – Three people I actually respected died this year. They will be missed. I’ll always remember how stoned I was the first time I heard “Piper At the Gates of Dawn.” I will also always recall how angry I was after sitting through “Syd Barrett’s First Trip.” I want those 11 minutes back. Chris Penn was a wonderful drug-addicted actor who was excellent in Pale Rider, Reservoir Dogs, and True Romance. Kirby Puckett was my favorite baseball player in third grade. I wrote a paper about him in Mrs. Woodruff’s class. I think he might have also beat his wife (?).
01) Steve Irwin – ‘Nuff said.
