As I made my early-afternoon rounds today I came across this interesting New Scientist article, where seventy brilliant minds predict possible breakthroughs in the next fifty years. They theorize about finding intelligent life, manipulating human minds, living twice as long, artificial intelligence…pretty much all the unfathomable liberties normally taken by Sci-Fi movies poorly depicting “the future”. My first instinct was to watch Brazil, Back to the Future, and Total Recall. Once those urges subsided, I figured I’d just sit down and draw up a list of ten things I’d like to see in the next fifty years. It has next-to-nothing to do with scientific, psychological or physiological breakthroughs. It’s just a virtual post-it note for what I want to happen before I turn 73.
10. mars trips – You know, like that Hum song about missing a train to Mars? Well, will we all take rocket trips out into the solar system like that Backstreet Boy who wanted to be shot into space, or whoever that fag was? Will there be trains to Venus, too? Will I miss my train? I’ve always liked planes a lot, so I think I’d like to fly on a rocket, too. Whatever gets me highest the fastest, maaaaaan.
09. tokyo – I don’t know, I’ve just always wanted to see it in person. At some point between seeing Mr. Baseball and Ichi The Killer I became interested in the city Japan as a whole. I like their food, I like some of their music, I hear everyone is amped up on amphetamine to guarantee productivity. Is it true? I’ll let you know in the next 50 years.
08. web 9.0 – I read an article a few weeks ago about the new buzzword “Web 3.0,” and how the phenomena is already taking shape with adaptations intended to extend the technologies introduced by “Web 2.0” sites (MySpace, Flickr, et al). I guess those in the technological sector are trying to combine better artificial intelligence with current Internet trends to create a more robust WWW with even better precision, usability and access to information. And that’s just in the next couple of years. So what the hell will the Internet be like in 2056? Will the predictions made by Epic 2015 come true? Who knows?!
07. reverse the aging process – It’s not that I don’t want to grow old and die. To be quite honest, death doesn’t bother me. It’s just…well…If I make it to 73 I want to look young, and be able to use my dick often, and on lots of young girls. Is that too much to ask? C’mon, scientists and doctors! Let’s put our heads together and figure out how to make it happen.
06. my bloody valentine reunion – I feel bad for whomever types that string of words into Google. They’re going to be depressed when they read it’s just a fifty-year prediction. So anyway, I was about five years old when Isn’t Anything was first released on Creation (which, when you think about it, released incredible records: JAMC, The Pastels, Primal Scream, MBV, Ride, Slowdive, Swervedriver, Oasis, Super Furry Animals, Teenage Filmstars), and thus too young to see them. By the time I first read about their influence on the Smashing Pumpkins as an uber-hip 13 year old, my chance had past. Some show reviews I’ve read online state that they were loud but bad. Loud and bad, of course, is still leagues better than most modern bands.
05. we are alone – So many people believe in aliens, or intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, and with no proof — just the theory of probability. “It’s so big. We can’t be alone,” they say. Well, I hope you’re wrong. How depressed would everyone be if we’re the only ones here, all relegated to some pebble-sized rock in the middle of nowhere until we die? Morbid, huh? Maybe I just don’t like nerds with alien abduction stories. Star Trek sucked. Of course, it’d make Futurama less plausible, in which case maybe I want us to discover intelligent alien life.
04. return to normalcy – Hey, remember when America’s standing on the international front was pretty respectable? Lots of people liked us, and only the French turned their noses up at us? Ooh, those lousy French with their pencil-mustachioed and malodorous populace. Remember when we could travel abroad without being looked down upon and constantly asked, “Did you vote Bush?” by angered nationals. It was a fun time. Sure, I’m exaggerating for effect, but you can’t deny it’d be cool to not be stigmatized by others for what is — in some cases — entirely out of our control.
03. race, we hardly knew ye – Finally, people would stop bitching about racism, reverse racism, and antisemitism. If everyone got together and had lots of sex, our integrated offspring would ensure that we wouldn’t hold any prejudices at all, outside of — perhaps — xenophobia. Just think about it: Kanye West would quit being such a stupid crybaby dork and fat people from the South wouldn’t have anything to gripe about anymore. It sounds too good to be true.
02. robo sex – Ken, Z and I were at this Mexican joint the other night, and one of the major news channels was running a special on how pornography has become really advanced in recent years, and there are all sorts of inventions being made to bring viewers deeper (pardon the pun) into the experience. They’ve got things like sex boxes now, and they have those dolls that look like real people…I think we’re only a few years away from being able to download any physical likeness in the world to have our way with it. Like when Fry downloads Lucy Liu? And Professor Farnsworth bemoans not showing Fry a PSA called “Robo-Gonorrhea: They Noisy Killer”?
01. mets win – Is it too much to ask for the Mets to win the World Series in the next fifty years? I mean, I was barely three years old last time they won, so that one doesn’t really count. I’m not even so sure I’m going to live to be 73, so the sooner it could happen, the better. I’m not predicting my demise within the next couple years or anything, but I don’t think I have much of a shot to make it to 2056. There have only been two men on my mom’s side of the family that have lived through their 40’s, and my dad’s side isn’t much better. I think I’m in trouble.
