Thanks to everyone who has offered support or condolences in the past two days. It’s very much appreciated. I’m feeling better, the only thing that upsets me right now is that my other dog is depressed. He skulks around, he cries all night, and he lays by the top of the staircase or the front door and rising to his feet when he hears the slightest noise. Yesterday he walked over to where the dead dog’s bed used to be, and sat there looking at me. It’s pretty heartbreaking.
In an attempt to bridge the gap between writer and audience, I bring you this week’s top ten. Sure it seems like a really boring topic, but admit it, your interested in the environment surrounding me when I create literary masterpieces.
TOP TEN THINGS I KEEP ON MY DESK
10) tape recorder – It’s a “totally vintage” Sony cassette recorder. These new handheld micro-cassette recorders are awful, and they have these stupid features like silence filters, which start/stop a recording based on how much sound it picks up. The only problem is sensitivity. I interviewed the Dean of Students at Muhlenberg for a big article as a Junior and, although we talked for two hours, I ended up with fifteen minutes of tape. She was speaking too softly. Now I’ve got this big sturdy cassette recorder that survived a trip across the country and multiple drops (the biggest drop was off a motel balcony in Oregon). It still works perfectly.
9) diet coke – When you’re hard up for ideas, sometimes it helps just to break your concentration for a moment. Water tastes alright. Energy drinks are for girls (I especially love it when they mix them with alcohol–hello date rape!), and sports drinks are for athletes and writers aren’t athletes (we’re artists. Writing is an art form). Diet Coke goes down smooth and comes up smooth. Nothing satisfies quite like a disgustingly cartoonish burping fit. Talk about bottled inspiration!
8) rhodia notepad – I like the 2.9″ x 4.1″ model, but I also keep a few 3.3″ x 4.7″. When it’s cold outside, there is always one of these in my coat pocket with a small pencil. They’re perfect for the writer or observational comedian on the go. Usually I forget funny sights or ideas by the time I get home. And also they’re perforated at the top so they tear easily! No more strained hands due to me being so weak I can’t rip a piece of paper out of a notebook!
7) mushrooms – At least four pounds worth, for when I seek spiritual revelations.
6) kids meal toys – When I was a sophomore at Muhlenberg, Burger King was running a promotion where they gave away Simpsons related toys with their version of a “Happy Meal.” I started eating at Burger King at least twice a week. If the prize was a character I’d already received, I’d ditch the kid’s meal and order double bacon cheeseburgers. I kept them on my computer desk while living at 2202 Gordon Street in Allentown, so it only seemed right to bring them home and have them watch over me when I write…Like those religious dolls that Spanish people keep all over their smelly, dirty houses.
5) portable hard drive – It’s how I transfer music between my PC and my Mac. I’ll download an album on the PC, and transfer it to the hard drive (if it’s good) so that I can load it into iTunes on the Mac, add artwork and copy it to my iPod. It seems like a long process–and it is–but it’s the only road I know. Portable hard drives can also be used to back-up porn and my book.
4) crossword puzzles – I used to do the New York Times puzzle every day. I was really good at completing Monday and Tuesday, and I could put up a fight against Wednesday and Thursday. Then mom decided she didn’t like “how far ‘left’ the New York Times is,” so she stopped our subscription. Now we have the Ledger delivered every day, and their puzzle is alright, but I feel so inferior when I finish a puzzle–like, so what? It’s not an NYT puzzle.
3) beers – I keep all the bottles of the different Rogue beers because they’re nifty and Rogue is my favorite domestic brewery. I also keep a few bottles of other “rare” beers I come across. On the floor I have cases upon cases of beer that I bought on various roadtrips but have yet to consume. There are also three bottles of Dogfish Head Fort just waiting to be consumed, but I’m saving them for a special occasion (like getting a job or a place to live).
2) hand sanitizer – We all know that I’m afraid of germs. I mean, who else do you know that blogs about public restrooms and their ease of use for a germaphobe? So I make sure to keep alcohol laced soap solvents (or whatever they’re called–I’m not actually at my desk right now, by the way, I’m doing this all from memory) handy. Purell helps when I’m bored and want to eat. Hey, I don’t know where those hands have been! After blasting ’em with chemicals I feel confident that I can eat bacteria/germ free.
1) cell phone – You know, for when my agent calls to tell me Joel Schumacher wants me to rewrite a screenplay for his next huge-budget action movie, or when L. Lo texts me an invite to blow rails at Bungalow 8.
