I feel a bit like Bobby DeNiro in Taxi Driver. Before you run off to tell the NSA or the CIA that I’m a threat to local politicians–hear me out, okay? One of the more infamous scenes in that movie is the montage of Mr. Travis Bickle getting himself into shape (for what, we don’t know! Perhaps his character wants to get on Match.com? No, wait, it was 1976. There was no Internet because Al Gore hasn’t created it yet). During said montage, Bickle (DeNiro) says, “Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body.” Without getting into a detailed scholarly analysis of the quote, he’s basically instituting a regimen, right? Well, NOW SO DO I! I’ve decided to set daily quotas for number of job applications sent and book sections/pages edited/written. I’m thinking both processes will be expedited if I’m more active. Today I woke up at 10am and applied for four jobs, and now I’m editing the last of the Louisville chapter of the book. Not only that, I was simultaneously eating a bagel and drinking a soda (I have nine hands). I’d make some “lighting a fire under my own ass” remark, but I’d be sure to lose a handful of readers with the resulting childish sexual remark that would surely follow.
You thought that was it? Oh, we’re not even close to done, yet. Setting productivity quotas is not the only recent change in my life! From now on, I’ve decided to end every single voice-mail that I leave for my family and friends with, “THANKS FOR LISTENING, ANONYMOUS GOVERNMENT AGENCY!” Has it left distant relatives and that weird friend of my father’s confused? A little. Does it make me giggle like a retard eating a sloppy plate of spaghetti bathed in tomato sauce for breakfast? You bet.
