Hey, did you know that on this date in history, the 21st Amendment to the Constitution, which repealed prohibition, was ratified? If that’s not cause enough to celebrate I don’t know what is! And that is what I will be doing tonight, as I have reason to drink myself into unconsciousness. Don’t worry, it’ll be fun. Like ripping off a band-aid, or a strip of hot wax.
It is not surprising, then, to see that CNN is running an article weighing the pros and cons of drinking. Their list includes answers to questions about alcohol and weight gain and aging, but I’ll make a quick list of pros and cons for you right now that will be far more informative than CNN’s take on the subject.
PROS:
– You feel really good, especially when you get to the point where everything is spinning and your friends have to carry you home. If you’re friends with people who never show emotion, this is a perfect opportunity to embrace one another without it being considered weird.
– You can talk to anybody. Last week I had an entire conversation with a girl about how I was the drummer of a band she knew. I didn’t feel bad about it because it was her mistake (“Hey, you’re the drummer for……aren’t you?”), and I was drunk enough to get through the entire chat without so much as cracking a smile. Then I turned around and told an old woman that the band who had just finished playing was incredible, “Like seeing Dylan in ’65.” Drunk = confident.
– You can say anything. You’ve got a built in excuse. “Sorry I called you fat, I was drunk,” “Sorry I said you looked like a trashy whore,” “I’m sorry I told you I hated that movie that your father produced…” etc. etc. etc.
CONS:
– The people you meet and befriend while drunk always turn out to suck. It’s never a good idea to make friends with someone at a bar, because mostly assholes hang out at bars. I’ve never made a friend at a bar, therefore you shouldn’t either. I mean it. It’s retarded.
– You wind up chatting with heinous-looking characters. You should have seen the disgusting mongoloids that the girls were chatting with Monday night at Spaceland. You should’ve seen the women Ken and I were with on New Years last year. I’d hate to be alone with any one of those fuckers while sober.
– The next day kind of sucks. Sometimes you bounce right back and you’re ready to go again, but most of the time I’m useless all day following a nice raging night out on the town.
Hey, you guys, I decided today I’m going to start living like a king. Because I am one. I came to this conclusion somewhere between Barnsdall Art Park and the Volvo dealership in Pasadena. Stay tuned for details.
