As I mentioned briefly two days ago, today’s Friday Top Ten list is devoted to some of my favorite pickup lines. Some of these are original, some are not, but the underlying fact remains the same: they all work. Trust me. Even if it just pisses a girl off, it’s a conversation starter, and you can always repair whatever damage you’ve done over the remainder of the evening. So, without any further ado, let’s get you laid.
Top Ten Pickup Lines
10 – “If you suck my dick I’ll show you where the hipsters hang out” – I guess this one is pretty self-explanatory. It works best if you already live in a densely populated neighborhood brimming with hipsters, because odds are you’ll be delivering this line at a “scene” bar that is already filled with hipsters. She’ll laugh, and maybe even suck your dick by the end of the night.
09 – “Does this rag smell like chloroform?” – This one doesn’t require any props, although if you can actually produce a rag or a ratty bandanna from your pocket you’ll probably score more points. Every girl’s worst nightmare is having someone isolate her from her friends, drug them, and rape/kill them. This pickup line plays into a girl’s worst fears, and we all know how closely related fear and arousal are. Bonus points if you actually produce a chloroform-soaked rag from your pocket. That’s dedication to a joke, my friend.
08 – “You and I should hang out longer…like to the tip of my penis.” – The reason this line works is because its worded in a very unusual way, and it kind-of doesn’t make sense, so it is the perfect enigmatic opening remark that’s going to make a girl both frightened and wet at the same time. Another variation of this line was created by somebody else, and it goes, “You and I need to get something straight between us…like m’penis.” You have to try and rhyme “between us” and “m’penis,” which sounds silly and makes girls tinkle in delight.
07 – the Eskimo exchange – You go up to a girl and introduce yourself (“Hi” works for me). Then you tell her you just recently moved to town, and when she asks where from, you say, “Alaska. I’m actually an Eskimo.” And when she responds with something like, “Oh wow! Really? I’ve never met an Eskimo before.” You abruptly cut in and say, “Actually, we prefer the term Inuit.” Trust me, if you can deliver that punch-line with the right amount of honesty/jokiness, you’re in. Note: My sister and I argue about who invented this one. She seems to think it was her, and I think someone else told it to me, but we’re quite uncertain. If anyone else knows the origins of the Eskimo/Inuit exchange, let me know.
06 – “See me now or see me in your rearview mirror” – Nothing says to a girl, “Finally, a guy with class!” like this incredibly classy pickup line. See, every girl on earth knows the urban legend about the woman who was driving home and noticed she was being followed, and that the guy behind her kept flashing his brights at her, and when she pulled into her driveway he jumped out of his car and approached her, only to tell her that he was flashing his brights because there was a guy in the back seat of her car holding an ax. Opening with this line lets her know that she’s not going to get off easy. If she doesn’t talk to you at the bar, you might become the guy with the ax. She pretty much has to give you her phone number by last call, if not invite you back home with her.
05 – “You must be a magician, girl, because I wanna finger your clit.” – Pure gold. She thinks she’s in for another one of those cheesy old pickup lines and then you veer off course and bluntly state one of the most repulsive things imaginable. This one can be hit-or-miss, but if you’ve targeted the right girl, don’t be surprised if you find yourself back at her place a few hours later parting the red sea and going to town on the elusive little man in the boat.
04 – the old person exchange – You go up to a cute girl and you loudly declare, “Hi. You look old. Have you had babies?” When she angrily responds with a “No way!” or “What? No!” you counter with, “You look old.” This works because girls get really self-conscious whenever you mention anything remotely related to their appearance. The last thing some guy at a bar is going to say to get into her pants is “You look old.” For a girl who is used to being fawned over, it is the perfect opening. Also, you can spend the rest of the night complimenting her (throw in a few backhanded compliments) without looking like a stupid romantic chump.
03 – “I want to come on your belly later.” – She won’t be able to help but go home with you later, as you’ve pretty much told her (in not so many words) that you are an advocate of safe sex. Girls love guys who practice protected sexual relations, so she’ll probably let you amend your earlier statement by telling you that you can finish somewhere else other than her belly.
02 – hit her – It’s not a pick up line, but it’s sure to get her attention. Just kind of sidle up next to her, tap her on the shoulder, and punch her in the face. After that, she’s pretty much yours.
01 – “Do you want to have intercourse? You know, sexual intercourse.” – You’re both at a bar. You’re both interested in meeting people. Why not just cut to the chase and forget all about societal norms? Who says you have to introduce yourself to a girl, carry on an intelligent conversation, and maybe take her out to dinner the next weekend before you can lay down and make sweet love to each other for fifteen seconds before you prematurely blow your load? Let’s just do what we both came here to do, go back to your place and enjoy a night of post-coital regret. If you’re lucky, she might start crying and tell you about how she “never does this,” or if you’ve got one of the real crazies, she might tell you all about her daddy issues. Lose her number.
