It’s pretty warm here today, so I think I’m going to stay near the fan for as long as possible. It was similarly hot yesterday, and though I managed to walk to the cafe and back, my clothes were mostly soaked through by the time I returned to the apartment. I also did not sleep well last night due to the uncomfortable conditions. My fan is typically powerful enough to keep my room fairly cool, but the past forty-eight hours have made me long for air conditioning.
Since it’s Friday, I guess I’ll haphazardly fake my way through a timely top ten list.
TOP TEN THINGS TO DO WHEN IT’S HOT OUTSIDE
– Look After The Elderly – Everyone knows that heat waves are to the aged what a can of RAID is to a thriving beehive. That’s why you should turn off your ego for a day and go find old people to aid. They might need help crossing the street, or carrying groceries. They might ask that you fetch them a cup of water. If you get lucky, you just might stumble across one who is at death’s door, and has a fortune stashed away that he or she does not want to leave for those greedy children and grandchildren who only care about the money. If you consider people between the ages of 43 and 61 to be “aged,” don’t help them, because they are Baby Boomers, and us young folks would like to see them extinguished as quickly as possible.
– Take a long drive – I do this even when it’s not hot out. You should try it sometime. Since cars usually have good air conditioning units, you can go literally anywhere (unless you live on an island) and remain moderately to extremely cool. I think last summer I drove to Princeton a few times, spent countless hours in the city, spent two weekends in the Poconos, and one in Vermont, and probably some other places. Movie theaters are generally cold. Don’t just sit around, do something!
– Make A Friend And Swim – Nothing is cooler than having a friend with access to a swimming pool, but odds are if you’re reading this right now you’re one of those losers who doesn’t have a life and spends all their time reading blogs and posting on anonymous message boards in the Internet. Well, let me tell you something, buddy. You can go outside right now, and make a friend. And perhaps that friend will live in an apartment complex with a pool. Maybe this friend will just as useless as you are, and still live at home with their parents. Maybe their parents’ house has a pool. You see where I’m going with this? Good. Now get off the computer.
– Overdose – I hear it gets really cold when you stop breathing and turn blue, and in this heat, who couldn’t use some of that?
– The Beach – Girls in bikinis. Guys in speedos. Girls with cellulite. Guys with hairy chests. The sickening salty sea air. The equally malodorous scent of cocoa butter and suntan lotion. Corndogs. Funnel cakes. Jellyfish. Random shark attacks. The boardwalk. The greaseballs that hang out on the boardwalk. Carnies. Families with babies. Boogie boards. Have I sold you yet?
– Fuck – Just find a girl (or a boy, if you’re a girl, although I don’t think I have any female readers) and fuck. Fuck, fuck, and fuck some more. Don’t stop until you are both completely drained of life, fetid, and swimming in an unholy mixture of sweat and bodily fluids. Take out all your aggression on one another. Pretend you’re fucking mother nature, and hate-fuck her for making it so disgustingly hot outside.
– Make Up A Game – For example, today I’m trying to see how long I can go without using the restroom, and I’ve already consumed two liters of water. Will I or won’t I end up in the hospital? I guess that’s the point of the game. I don’t know, I’m making up the rules as I go along, just like I do every day of my life. No matter what situation you’re in, whether you’re studying for an exam or slaving away over paperwork in a stuffy office, you can make a game out of it. See how long you can get away with staring at a coworker. Try to get as many pencils stuck in the ceiling as possible. Take your dick out in front of your boss when you walk by his office, and see if he notices. Start an inter-office chain letter. See? I just came up with, like, four games right now on the spot!
– Sing The Blues – Do you know why Leadbelly, Robert Johnson, Lightnin’ Hopkins, Blind Willie McTell, Mississippi Fred McDowell and John Lee Hooker were so upset all the time? It wasn’t because they were tired of working in the fields and being oppressed by whites, or because their babies left them, or the devil was coming down hard on them, it was because it was so darned hot outside! Now, you’re no different from them, you think it’s hot outside too. So, write about how blue it makes you feel. Think about it: without these depressing hot summer days, we’d be missing out on one of the most important vocal and instrumental musical genres that has ever existed.
– Stay Indoors – It’s pretty obvious that the minute you step into the heat you’re going to regret opening the front door to your abode. I imagine opening your car door and sliding into the driver’s seat is going to feel even worse, especially if you have a dark-colored interior or leather seats. It’s not like there’s anything that you have to do during the day in which leaving home is mandatory. Don’t just do something, sit around instead! Oh, wait, unless you have a job. I guess in that case you are required to leave home. Sorry, I thought we were all in the same boat here.
– I…Uh…I don’t know – I can’t think of a 10th thing you can possibly do when the weather has you manacled to your home. I mean, I guess you could fix yourself a sandwich and hang out with some people, but that’s pretty boring. One time last summer I dressed in winter clothes and went out in public, that was pretty funny for a few minutes before I started to feel faint. Make up your own damn mind. Quit asking me for advice about every little thing. “What can I do today? It’s so hot out!” How the hell should I know. If I knew what to do I certainly wouldn’t be here writing this.
