Lisa Funderburg, congratulations. You are my new Judy McGuire. Your Oprah.com articles are syndicated by CNN, which means they are going to start appearing more on this website, too. Because your advice sucks. Then again, a recent divorcee and a relationship column do not a perfect marriage make (I think there’s a pun in there, or at least I intended for there to be one). Of course your plunge back into the dating scene was difficult. You were “freshly divorced” and probably middle-aged. No one wants to date an old woman who just got divorced. I mean, could there be a higher maintenance bitch on the dating scene? You’ve already tasted the sweet nectar of having some dude take care of you while you lay around the house getting fat and doing nothing. Now you have expectations for all the guys you meet that they treat you like a queen and not the overweight horribly selfish pig that you are. What’s more, you’re lying to your readers when you tell them first dates don’t have the be painful. Of course they have to be painful. That’s what makes them so useful when choosing the person you’re going to fuck on a regular basis. So the more painful the date is, the easier it is to decide whether you want to stick your penis inside someone (or, conversely, have a penis stuck inside you). Here, let me help explain this to you with an easy-to-read list.
The Top Ten Ways To Make A First Date Painful
10. Flat-Out Lie – There’s nothing wrong with telling gross lies on a first date. If it turns out you like each other, you can always correct the person later and tell them they misheard you. Better yet, contradict yourself often during your initial conversation and you can guarantee it will make the date really painful. If you’re a guy, get caught telling little lies. Girls hate that more than anything. She’ll sit there wondering what the fuck is wrong with you, and she won’t say anything about it because she’s already sitting next to you eating (and assuming you’ll pay…) and most girls don’t like to create weird situations when there is no pre-existing weirdness. She’ll just sit there and grow more frustrated as the date wears on. If you’re a girl, go for big lies, because most of the time we’re not really listening anyway. We’re staring at your tits or trying to figure out if you’re shaved. See, most dates are inherently painful for guys because we either sit there with huge raging boners thinking about fucking your brains out, or we’re utterly repulsed by you and want to get away from you as soon as possible. Girls…well, much like Lisa Funderburg, they just want to be taken care of, so they can take a lot more bullshit than we can. Which is why it’s important for guys to be creative with how they instill pain on first dates.
09. Act like you don’t even care – Judy Funderburg decided dating was easier when she stopped “arranging [her] behavior around attracting the other person.” This is an utter fallacy when it comes to dating. The “I don’t care” approach rarely works. Which is why you have to use it all the time to make things really awkward for you and your date. She thinks that if you dress down or allow for uncomfortable pauses in conversation both parties will share the pain, and you will be better off in the long wrong. Lies. Any normal, socially functional human being can fill a pause in a conversation with something halfway relevant to a previous channel of conversation or something new and intelligent. I don’t know, maybe I’ve always chosen to date girls who speak clearly and have an idea or two rattling around in their brains unrelated to shoes. So if you want to make things painful, I suggest you relish the silence. Submerse yourself in the spa-like mudbath of non-conversation. Close your eyes and try to keep from smiling as you await that intiial offering of “So…” from the person seated next to you. Do not respond. Even if he or she follows up with a question, you hold out from answering for as long as you, until the moment just before the person starts to get really freaked out. Then respond with a complete non-sequitor. I live for that kind of pain. So too should you.
08. Judge books by their covers – Judy says, “I also reconsidered the way I looked at my dates. It’s hard to see a person accurately when there’s even a sliver of a chance that he might turn out to be the person with whom you share children and utility bills and a bed for years to come.” Spoken like a true divorcee. You and I both know she didn’t share utility bills with her husband. Nor did she provide the bed in which they slept, consummated their marriage, and made a baby. Whatever. This lady’s self-absorption is not the point. The point is, don’t reconsider anything. Just consider how your date looks. If they’re hot, let ’em know. If they’re not, also let ’em know. At least this way you’re cutting through the first date fat. Hell, you might even save yourself some money if you can inform the girl that she’s foul before the waiter fills your water glass and drops off the bread basket.
07. Search each other’s baggage – I mean metaphorically. Unless of course you choose to make your first date at an airport TGI Fridays or something, in which case, feel free to just randomly tear through your date’s luggage. What I mean by this is, don’t be afraid to talk all about your horrible upbringing, your hopes and dreams, how they were shattered when you realized they were unattainable, and how you’re now just looking for some hole to fill (literally, and please make sure you add “like your pussy” to that phrase) before you die. Nothing is more painful than having someone get way too personal on a first date. The quicker you divulge information about your four-day-a-week marathon therapy sessions, the quicker you can begin to plan your next first date.
06. Choose your “movie date” film wisely – Look, girls know why you’re inviting them over for dinner and a movie on a first date. They know it’s about isolation from other people and being in close proximity to a bed. The amount fear she experiences as she imagines a potential rape is the deciding factor when it comes to agreeing to a first date movie date. So, the first thing you have to do is offer “movie date” as your first date. If she says “No,” don’t talk to her ever again. If she says “Yes,” your next step is finding the perfect uncomfortable movie that is going to make her cringe. I suggest Salo or Irreversible. If shit-eating or a brutal 9-minute rape scene aren’t enough to drive her from your couch, they will at least inflict a modicum of pain. And if she stays through the whole film, you can guarantee she’ll hate-fuck your brains out afterwards. First she feels the terrible pain of being asked over by a creepy guy who shows her a disturbing movie, then you feel the glorious pain of her vise-like vagina trying to rip your dick off. Is it sexist? Of course. Does it work? I don’t know, try it out and tell me.
05. Deconstruct everything – Every time she utters a fact about her life, begin the rigorous process of unpacking her statements to the point where you have completely dismantled her very essence. You eventually want to use her own words to contradict and undermine what she’s saying. Like, maybe she tells you that she was raised in Virginia. I would zero-in on “Virginia,” though one of you smart people might think of something better. By distinguishing her origins as “Virginia” she’s trying to imply something about Confederate superiority or Northern inferiority. I’d respond to her statement about being born in Virginia by saying, “I don’t think a person’s place of birth says much about them. If you’d asked me whether or not I thought people from Virginia were superior (or even inferior) on account of their Confederate heritage, I would have said ‘No. What a silly question.’ If you had told me, ‘I was born in Virginia, I hate Northerners,’ clearly I would have asked for further explanation. Instead, you chose to phrase your remark ambiguously in the sense that your made an assertion about coming of age in a place of historical importance where residents saw fit to enslave African Americans. By exploiting my own anti-South bias, you have managed to legitimize an atrocity while besmirching and entire race of people. Thanks a lot, bitch.” Game over.
04. Seriously, make it painful – Suggest an eatery notorious for food poisoning cases. Sushi joints work well, as does anywhere that offers dishes based on raw meats. Most municipal health departments have websites where you can research places that receive poor health ratings. Now, you’re going to be risking your own health here, but if you study the menu wisely (while surreptitiously suggesting some heinous food choices for your date) you should be able to escape with your dignity. Too bad about your date, though. They’re going to be in for a world of pain. If unintentional-intentional food poisoning doesn’t work, you can always engineer a car accident or something. Just make it hurt for them more than it hurts for you.
03. Dress the nines – I don’t even know what that expression means but I’ve heard it once or twice before. My point is, if you show up in a tuxedo, you’re going to scream at her (without actually screaming, unless you want to scream, in which case by all means scream) “Look at me! I’m pathetic!” You have to dance around this one a bit if you’re a girl, because in order to make the date painful you want to dress in a manner that shows you’re trying too hard, but you don’t want the guy’s animalistic primordial rape gene to take over and block out any rational thought. In short, you want your attire to raise some doubt in your date’s mind as to why you’re there on the date, without telling whether or not you’re completely into the idea of dating. Basically, drive them mad wondering what the fuck you’re doing going out dressed like that.
02. Re-examine your date’s imperfections – Judy claims that while some faultfinding can be accurate, most of it is just defensive bullshit we do to help our confidence. So she thinks we need to retrain our eyes to see past the bullshit and focus on the important things. Even if your first impression of the person sucks, you’re supposed to allow the other person to impress you with their sincerity and humanity. But that’s all bullshit. Like I said, it’s what you’re supposed to do. So if you want to make things painful, don’t do it. Trust me, you’ll be in pain in no time. If you want the other person to join in your misery, the best advice I can give you would be to say really polarizing things. Talk about how you’re anti-abortion because your girlfriends keep making you pay for them. You know, make a lot of really low-brow remarks that will ratchet up her pain level exponentially each time you open your mouth. You’ll be a date executioner in no time.
01. Try to make it work – I know I’ve spent this entire list offering ways to not make a date work. But perhaps the greatest way to ruin a date is to try really, really hard to make it work. That’s why the lesson Judy Funderburg’s most wants to teach her audience is, “stop trying to make it work.” Too bad, we’re trying to make things as awkward and uncomfortable as possible. So the best thing to do to make a date not work is to try really hard. Make sure you point out how hard your trying. Say things like, “You’re so (insert: ugly, petty, stupid, smelly) I’m trying really hard not to call up my psycho ex and get back together with her right now.” Offer to pay for everything. Offer her the world. Play your best “I’m a fucking loser and I’m obviously trying to get laid” game. Desperation. That’s the word I’m looking for. Reek of desperation in everything that you do, but do so in a way that makes you appear to be totally genuine and well-intentioned. That’s the best way to make a date painful for the other person. Be the sweetheart that he or she feels horribly about never wanting to see again.
Or, you know, you could just talk about LOST the entire time. Just make sure your date has never seen the show before. Talk about painful!
Ennio Morricone – Salo Main Titles
Low – The Plan
Michael Giacchino – The Last To Know
