Every year I present my readers with a list of ten new and exciting Halloween costume ideas. I don’t know why I construct these lists — I’m not really into Halloween. I’ll dress up if I have to, but I’d rather be the guy at the party who is too cool to wear a costume. Plus, for all the brilliant ideas I have, I know I’ll never be able to execute a costume the way I see it in my head. In that regard it’s a lot like my dirty sexual fantasies. I can envision all the pretzel positions and gravity-defying stunts I want, I’ll still break my back if I ever attempt one of them.
In case you need a refresher, here are a few Halloween costume lists from years past:
– Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2008
– Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2007
– Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2006
– Top Ten Halloween Costumes Evan Has Worn (2005)
Don’t settle for dressing up as Octomom or Swine Flu or something hacky and stupid. Take my advice, these costumes will go over so much better at your local Halloween party. I guarantee it.
The Top Ten Halloween Costume Ideas For 2009
Honorable Mention – Pitchfork Media – This is a play on the old “Yankees fan” costume, where you act retarded and blow the guy at the party who came dressed as Derek Jeter. To embody Pitchfork, first you ask your significant other to dress up as Thom Yorke or Animal Collective. Once they’ve settled on their costume, you simply walk around with your hand in their pants all night. Get it? Pitchfork? Ha!
10. Mii – Doesn’t everybody own a Nintendo Wii by now? I’m pretty sure they do. One Halloween costume idea would be to dress as your Mii. It would require very little preparation, just a solid color shirt and solid pants…maybe some overalls if you’re going to be your Mii fresh off a game of Mario Kart.
09. Zombie Michael Jackson – Please God, try your best to capture this look. Many, many spirited costumers this year will want to go out dressed up as Michael Jackson. Your job is to make them feel bad by dressing up as a decomposing Jacko. If you’ve got a friend who does movie makeup (and in LA, who doesn’t!) hire them to help you out.
08. Black And White You – I’ve been wanting to try this one for a while, but I’m not sure how I could pull it off. I’d probably have to dye my hair and obscure my irises, but other than that it would take a lot of white paint, makeup, and black clothes. I figure if I don’t get it exactly right, people are just going to think I’m a mime, and then I’ll feel stupid. If you want to dress up like a black and white version of yourself, by all means let me know how you do it.
07. Roman Polanski – Dress up like a creepy old man. Walk around carrying a fake Oscar (or multiple Oscars). Ask random strangers, “Is it really rape if you come?” or “Is it really rape if you have the option of the front or the back?” I imagine this will be a popular costume this year, so make sure your zingers and comments (“Have you seen that girl lately? She’s lucky she got it when she was young,” “It’s not rape if you yell ‘surprise!'”, “It’s not rape if she keeps her socks on,” “It’s not rape if you play by the ‘blink once for yes’ rule.”) ready to impress your audience.
06. Gail Simmons’ dildo – I think I might actually try this one out. Gail doesn’t strike me as the kind of woman who uses one of those cold, metallic dildos. So I can’t just wrap myself up in aluminum foil and find a hat that makes my head look more bulbous. That wouldn’t be fair to Gail, her luscious breasts, or her dildo. Gail strikes me as a woman who likes to feel stuffed. Like a Thanksgiving turkey. She has those wide-set hips that infer she doesn’t settle for anything less than a well-hung lover. Which is why we’d fit really well together. But that’s besides the point. Gail’s dildo is probably fat, black, and floppy — the kind that would destroy the psyche a small child if they came across it in their mother’s sock drawer. So…I guess I’m dressing up like a big floppy black penis this year for Halloween? Hmm…Maybe I should re-think this one. Maybe it’s best to dress up as Gail Simmons’ tits. That’s easy. I just have to go to the costume store and get one of those smiley-faced sun costumes. Because Gail’s breasts are the purest warm happiness ever created in the history of breasts.
05. Somebody Your Friends Know That You Hate – Maybe you feel like dressing up as your ex. Maybe your best friend fucked your sister. Either way, you’re a spiteful little shit and you want to exact some form of revenge. Why not dress up and act like that person. Make sure you highlight all their annoying idiosyncrasies. It’s costumes like these that make going to a smaller party with some close friends that much more fun. You can act out all the things about the person you hate, and the people you’re with will love you and laugh with you well past the point when you’ve blacked out and started puking all over yourself.
04. Father With A Child In A “Invisible Man” Costume – This way if you want to actually go out Trick-Or-Treating, you don’t have to feel bad about going alone. You can take all the candy you want while pretending you’re the best parent in the world. Hell, you bought your child the highest-end Invisible Man costume on the market! Free candy! I think it’d also be funny if you went to a party and proceeded to run around frantically searching for your lost child, whom you dressed in an Invisible Man costume.
03. Dangerous – If you’re angling to get laid, take a lesson from the Eugene Mirman School of Funny and dress as danger. Cover yourself in broken glass, set yourself on fire, or do anything to appear dangerous. Girls love danger. They’ll be drawn to you, and you can tell them that they need to stay away because you’ll only hurt them. Literally, you’ll hurt them if they come close to you. They could cut themselves or catch on fire or something.
02 (tie). Traffic Enforcement Camera / Speed Bump – Two super annoying costume ideas that can be pulled off even if you’re poor. You can walk around with your camera and stick it right in people’s faces to blind them with the flash, then write them a citation on a little notepad for whatever they’ve done wrong. Let your inner douchebag decide what petty offenses you believe are worthy of being ticketed. Or, wear all yellow and lay down in front of people, being a general nuisance to everyone at the party. If you’re looking to get your ass kicked, you can skip laying down in front of people and instead trip them.
01. Any Number Of “Free” Costumes – I’ve written about these before (“Wallet Inspector,” “Matchstick Repairman,” “Queasy”). Here are a few more options for those of you who are too broke to construct a real costume, or just don’t care enough to dress up:
1a) That Guy At The Party Who Everyone Hates: It only requires you to drink and be a dick.
1b) Parking Lot Attendant: If you have a white shirt and black pants I think you can legally change your name to Valet.
1c) Househusband – You can just chill, man. That’s what they do. They stay at home and watch daytime TV and eat ice cream.
1d) Sex Offender – You can start every conversation at the party with, “I’m required by law to inform you…” and deliver all the most uncouth pick-up lines in your arsenal. It’s part of your costume.
