Ah, Friday. For many of you the weekend is just beginning. For some of you (like me, for example) your work-week has just begun. Oh, what a horrible feeling, to be stuck indoors working while all your friends are playing and going to see The Watchmen. At least for a few minutes all of us can come together and enjoy another installment of Friday Top Ten. Everybody — employed and unemployed, night shifts and day shifts, weekend warriors and weekend worriers — can bond over our mutual appreciation for the hilarious insights provided by…me.
I don’t know when this article was written, but it’s given me an idea. I bet I can think of ten easier jobs you can do in your PJs than those listed by Divine Caroline, a website with a name that screams “For fat chicks only.” The author of the piece, “MainStreet,” claims that you can be a paralegal, a computer systems analyst, and even a travel agent, all from the comfort of your own home. Oh yeah, here’s ten easier jobs you can do even easier from your own home.
The Top Ten Jobs You Can Do In Your PJs
10. Small Time Drug Dealer – Remember that scene in Pulp Fiction when a frenzied John Travolta (total homo) drives an OD-ing Uma Thurman over to Eric Stoltz house to get an injection of adrenaline so that she won’t die? Do you remember what Eric Stoltz was wearing when they showed up on his front lawn? That’s right, a robe. And underneath that robe? Fucking pajamas. Dude didn’t have to have a real job because he was a drug dealer, right? Talk about living on easy street! If you can just sell enough dope to pay your rent each month and maybe eat one meal a day, you can spend the rest of your life in your PJs.
09. Blow – Blowjobs — even more so than handjobs — are one of the easiest jobs you can do while in your pajamas. See, with a handjob there is still the off-chance you might accidentally hurt your partner. Unless you’re a twelve-year-old brace-face, you’re not going to hurt your partner while giving him a blowjob. It just doesn’t happen. The only times this job is going to pay are when you’re actually whoring yourself out, but if money is of no object you can chill around your house all day and night in your pajamas, so long as you service the guy who is paying for you to do so whenever he asks for it.
08. Train Conductor – I don’t mean like a real train conductor, I mean like the kind that is a bat-shit-crazy old man who runs around his basement playing with model trains. Like Reverend Lovejoy on The Simpsons, but older and out of work. Just like the previous item on this list, I’m not saying that being a model train conduction will earn you any money, but it’s definitely a “job” you could do in your PJs.
07. eBay Power Seller – I guess this one is about to be passe since eBay is going to stop being an online auction house, but for as long as they continue to allow auctions you can sit around in your pajamas all day selling shit. That’s what some guy I met does. I went over to his house in the valley a few weeks ago to buy some records from him, and I realized that all he does all day is sit around in his PJs watching The Odd Couple and sell records on eBay. If you have enough patience to drive around in your car (in your PJs) looking for antiques or things you can clean up and sell online, you have the potential to work from home forever. Again, like the small-time drug dealer, you just have to make enough to pay rent and eat. That doesn’t sound too hard, does it?
06. Animal breeder – All it takes is a small investment (two pure-bred dogs) and you can start making money real fast. You can just stay at home watching your dogs or cats or whatever have sex, and then you just have to make sure nothing dies, and in a few months you can sell all the animals for profit! It makes perfect sense, right? I think that’s all you have to do. You can sit around in your pajamas, and then be like, “dogs…have sex!” and then the dogs have sex, and then you sell the babies and do it all over again. Easy money.
05. Sleep Studies – If you go around to college campuses partaking in sleep studies, do you really think they’re going to make you sleep in your clothes? Of course not! They’re going to let you sleep in your PJs. Hell, they might even give you your own new PJs, which you can take home with you once the study is complete. Sounds like a sweet deal to me…
04. Hairstylist/Manicurist – Two ridiculously easy jobs any girl (or gay dude) can do from home. Do you have a sink and a mirror and some scissors? You can cut hair for a living! Do you have a nail file and some shades of nail polish? You can do people’s nails for a living. Do you think anybody is going to care that you’re working in your PJs? No, they won’t, because they’re guests in your house and whatever you say or do goes. You’re the boss.
03. Stay-At-Home Parent – Both of my parents worked when I was growing up, but I bet one of them could have easily taken the safe path to laziness by becoming a stay-at-home parent. What do you have to do all day? Sit around watching a child, making sure it doesn’t somehow die? That sounds to me like it’s something one could easily accomplish while wearing pajamas. You’d be relying entirely on your partner to earn enough money for both of you plus the baby to survive, so you’ll have to be extra nice and pretty much do anything he/she says, but if times get tough you can always just eat the child.
02. Psychopath – Did you know that right now there are people who are receiving checks from the government simply for being crazy? It’s true! I used to know a guy who literally got paid for being insane. So if one of you could somehow convince the government that you’re too crazy to hold down a job, they’ll pay you to stay out of everybody’s way, pretty much. How on Earth will you ever accomplish such an impossible task, you ask? Why, it can be done just by staying at home all day watching TV and wearing pajamas! Yay! Easiest job ever!
01. Blogger – Look, it’s not allowing me to stay at home in my pajamas all day, but I’m actually making some money now from advertisements and stuff, so who knows…If you start a relevant blog and actually put forth some effort, you could earn enough money to work from home and stay in your PJs all day. All the kids who work at websites like Gawker have to do is find news articles and write snarky responses to them. Some of ’em even make enough money to live in New York and stay in their pajamas all day.
