Ah, December. The final month of the year. It contains the festival of Hanukkah, sometimes! For journalists — and to a lesser extent their retarded cousins, bloggers — December is a time for looking back over the events of the last three-hundred-thirty-plus days. Across all forms of media, the next four weeks will be filled with cloying fits of nostalgia, hindsight-enriched wistfulness, and even some good-old-fashioned navel-gazing. Please stay tuned to Swan Fungus each Friday this month as we conclude the week with a new Year-End list. If you are a regular reader you will recall that I like to end each year with three lists: The Top Ten Deaths list, The Top Ten Top Tens list, and The Best Albums Of The Year list. This year I’m adding in a new list to my annual routine. Can you guess what it is? Hint: The title of the post gave it away!
The Top Ten Negative Reader Comments Of 2008
Some of you read Swan Fungus every day and post insightful comments. I love you. I wish everybody was as smart, good-looking, and well hung (or buxom, if you’re a thing with a slit between your legs woman) as you. Unfortunately, some of the people who read this website are idiots. Usually the idiots find this website while performing Google searches for terms like “The Arcade Fire mp3” or “Vampire Weekend sucks”. Idiots enter this forum with chips on their shoulders (the chips, of course, are their unrealized, violently-homosexual tendencies). They arrive wanting to hate me before reading a single word. Most of them don’t even read my entries, they just skip to the comments section and write how much I suck! Some of them are more creative than others…but, then again, some monkeys eat their own shit and some eat other monkeys’ shit!
That said, here are the ten worst reader comments posted to this website since January 1st. I actually found 18 (!) worthy of sharing, but a few of them were reiterations of the apparently commonly-held beliefs that I am a “fucking loser” who needs to “get a fucking life” and makes one wonder “how sad [my] life must be”.
Honorable mention:
“Go fuck yourself. Try to put something out that’s better than Minus the Bear. I’m sure you have much more musical talent than they do. Oh wait, no you’re just a dumbfuck blogger. I’m sure you have more blogging talent than them. But what is blogging talent? Blogging is the ability to share your whiny opinion to a bunch of people on the internet that don’t give a shit. So having talent in it makes you more whiny and opinionated than them. Than a lot of people. Congratulations. I present to you the ‘go fuck yourself’ cookie.” – Clayton – December 4th, 2008
…So if blogging doesn’t require any talent, how much talent must one have to leave a grouchy comment on a blog when a writer calls your favorite band “crap”?
10.
“Oh, please. We barely make any profit on vinyl. We press out RTI on HQ180 vinyl, and manufacture gatefold sleeves at Stoughton – the costs are huge. Those Burma records – the originals of which are extremely hard to find btw! – were remastered all-analog, live from the original master tapes, without a computer or any digital processing, at Sterling. Do you have any idea how time-consuming and expensive that is? In addition, there are extra tracks not on the original vinyl. We are actually LOSING money on the Burma reissues – they’re a total labor of love. Sorry, but you have no idea what you’re talking about.” – Patrick@Matadorrecords.com – May 1st, 2008
…Except I talked to two people who have worked for Matador and both scoffed at the “huge” costs comment. And all that frilly talk about original master tapes and bonus tracks is total PR bullshit. Why doesn’t Matador repackage the Burma albums again next year with even more bonus tracks, and they can move one step closer to Universal Music Group desperately milking The Joshua Tree! Nobody at Matador Records is going to convince me that they are hurting financially. Maybe at one point they epitomized the term “indie,” but as that word has transformed rapidly throughout the decade, so too has the Independent Record Label. Matador 2008 is as close to Matador 1989 ideologically as I am close to banging Gail Simmons of Food & Wine Magazine.
09.
“WEB SHERIFF Protecting Your Rights on the Internet Tel 44-(0)208-323 8013 Fax 44-(0)208-323 8080 websheriff@websheriff.com www.websheriff.com WITHOUT PREJUDICE Hi EVAN, On behalf of Wall of Sound / PIAS, Matador Records and Mogwai, we would kindly ask you not to post copies of The Hawk is Howling (or any individual tracks from the bands new album – release date 21st September) on your site or on any other sites or forums. We do appreciate that you are fans of / are promoting Mogwai, but the labels and artist would greatly appreciate your co-operation in removing your links to the pirate files in question. Many thanks for respecting the artists wishes and, if you want good quality, non-pirated, preview tracks, then full-length versions of The Sun Smells Too Loud and other, exclusive previews are available for fans and bloggers to post / host / share etc in the run-up to release at http://www.matadorrecords.com/mogwai/music.html … .. do also check-out www.mogwai.co.uk and www.myspace.com/mogwai for news and info on the new album and the bands 2008 shows. As you will appreciate, this e-mail is written on a without prejudice basis and, as such, all of our clients’ accumulated, worldwide rights and remedies remain strictly reserved : please excuse this required formality which, hopefully, we’ll soon be able to dispense with. With Thanks & Regards, WEB SHERIFF” – September 3rd, 2008
…Less than four months after I had to hear about how putting out a super-deluxe re-issue was a money-losing endeavor endured only because it was a “labor of love,” the Internet’s biggest laughingstock — WEB SHERIFF (only ever typed in all-caps, for added prominence) — leaves a comment on behalf of Matador Records telling me that I’m going to hurt sales of a Mogwai record. Mogwai, a band I’ve spent hundreds of dollars supporting over the past eight years through concert tickets, t-shirts, vinyl, CDs and more, became the third band to get by the long arm of the [Internet] law. Though I still love their music (well, the first five albums), I’ll never again buy one of their CDs or see them live. Thanks a lot, Matador and WEB SHERIFF!
08.
“These ideas sound like a 13 year old thought of them” – Anonymous – October 23rd, 2008
…Well, duh. I’ve never claimed to be smarter than a seventh grader, so why should tackle topics that are above me? I’d rather just make a bunch of fart jokes and have a good time. If you want serious ideas go read a political blog. If you want to hear a guy rant about stuff and be vulgar, stay here.
07.
“Wow. I didn’t know you had reached “the apex of the blogosphere” with the ability to “launch careers” of heretofore unknown artists. Next time I stop by I’ll make sure read your posts with the proper reverence. Who do you think you are, Robert fucking Christgau? Get over yourself.” – Anonymous – July 1st, 2008
…The best one-off angry comments are left by first-time visitors. Clearly “Anonymous” has never read this page before, because I often reference The Secret Diary Of Billy Corgan when I write things like, “Woke up. Felt slightly chirpy, until I realized that I am [redacted], tormented ’80s child and superstar travel-writer,” or “Naturally, these things are bound to happen one one reaches the apex of the blog-o-sphere.” Too bad people don’t catch my obscure references. Otherwise they’d know I haven’t launched a single career, and I don’t demand any reverence from my readers. This blog is like the HomeTown Buffet of the Internet, you can show up looking like the most gnarly, slovenly piece of shit to ever walk the Earth, and you’re going to be treated as a brother and a comrade. Who the fuck is “Robert fucking Christgau,” anyway?
06.
“Wow dude… You should stop writing on here. Obviously no one reads it, and for good reason too. You just blasted a whole bunch of great albums. Sorry it’s not Rancid (oh yaaaaa, i’m fucking hard because i listen to bitches screaming into a mic), you little faggot.” – Zack – November 29th, 2008
…Much like the previous commenter, Zack clearly doesn’t read this website. Because if he did, he would know that Rancid is not my favorite band — they’re actually my second favorite band — NOFX is my favorite band. To his credit, he immediately picked up on the fact that I like to go around calling myself “hard” because I “listen to bitches screaming into a mic”. Now, that said, the statement that best outs Zack as a non-Swan Fungus reader was, “You just blasted a whole bunch of great albums.” If Zack bothered to read more than one post on this website he would soon realize that I hate music and will “blast” pretty much any album ever recorded if given enough time.
05.
“Another hideous post on what is probably the worst blog of all-time.” – Niklas – June 3rd, 2008
…Short and sweet. I think the one-liners are the best (or in this case worst) comments, because they sting that much more. As a creative individual who is always striving to get his point across in as few words as possible, seeing the perfect hateful one-line comment makes me that much more upset. It forces me to take a step back and think about how completely inept I am as a writer.
04.
“you think 1+1= fish tacos” – Anonymous – April 23rd, 2008
…Amazing. I wanted this to be my favorite worst comment of the year, but I really couldn’t justify it. It combines the perfect amount of inanity with a dash of cunning and…it’s just perfect. It’s beautiful. It doesn’t make any sense! I love it! I just wish it wasn’t left by an anonymous dork. Why couldn’t you have written that one, Sam (or Neill, or Brushback, or any of you!).
04.
“You’re a clueless wanker. You don’t like what you read so you don’t believe it? Sorry “dude” but vinyl is coming back. I’m on the ground and have the facts. You don’t. As for “hating” the boomers. Well hating is fine, but how about some reasons you pussy.” – analogcorner – August 19th, 2008
…I was going to pass on this quote, but the more times I read it the funnier it became. The author sounds like a paranoid schizophrenic. I still giggle each time I read the line, “I’m on the ground and have the facts.” Who the hell speaks like that? What am I, the big bad Bourgeoisie blogger, and he’s a frustrated Proletariat? I mean, what the fuck?! He follows up his surreal classist remark by agreeing with my hatred for boomers, but calling me a pussy for not justifying my “irrational” hatred. See that little tag on the right sidebar that says “baby boomers?” There are your reasons, analogcorner. They’ve always been there, and trust me, there will be many more posted next year too. Feel free to comment any time you want, I need some laughs to brighten otherwise mundane days.
02.
“You, Evan, are a worthless pile of shit. I don’t know you, but if I did maybe we could go out to a bar, you’d buy a drink and I’d talk about how you say stupid things sometimes” – Gused – November 12th, 2008
…Nobody likes to be called a worthless pile of shit. Nobody. Yet, I love the fact that Gused turns around and offers to sit down and have a drink and tell me how stupid I am — to my face! What a novel idea! It’s not like the guy threatens violence or anything, he just wants to sit down, like a couple of bros, and talk things out. And you know what? I bet if we did, he’d find out he has more in common with me than he thinks. Hell, he might even start to agree with some of the stupid things I say. That is, like, the perfect negative comment to leave on a blog.
01.
“I just wanted to say its people like you who destroy a powerful tool like the internet. I really wish you wouldn’t use it to post your stupid and retarted ideas!!!!! ” – Rafik – February 10th, 2008
…When one hears that he might have enough influence to “destroy” the Internet, it is a huge boost too one’s ego! I mean, if this whole thing — the entire worldwide web — hinged upon my ability to write cogent, thorough, well-informed theses, we would all be completely fucked! There is no way it will ever happen. And by that I mean I can’t blog about anything serious anymore. The money isn’t good enough. If this was my job, I would drop the douchebag persona and actually put some effort into my writing, but it’s not. That’s why all you loyal readers out there probably enjoy it so much. If I was like every other blogger trying to turn their website into a career in journalism, you wouldn’t be able to distinguish this page from any of a thousand others just like it. My wit and charm (and casual vulgarity and bawdy humor) are what make this page so great (right? RIGHT?). Here’s hoping 2009 brings even more negative responses from casual readers!
