I re-write this list pretty much every year. Why? It’s either because I’m super-creative and I’m always coming up with unusual Halloween costumes, or because I’m strapped for blog ideas and I need to rehash the same topic every 365 days so I can, in effect, give myself the day off. Whatever the real answer may be is not what’s important right now. Right now you should all be really excited because I’m going to save your ass with one of ten awesome Halloween costumes that are guaranteed to win your local costume contest. They’re way better than American Apparel’s costume ideas, and trust me, the last thing you should want is for me to call you a hipster douchebag. It’ll hurt your feelings.
10. Pun – Be a pun. Why? Because puns are the funniest, cleverest jokes in the entire medium of comedy. You could construct two effigies that looks somewhat like J.S. Bach, and then affix them to your hips, so that it looks like you’re triple Siamese twins, or maybe it looks like they are sprouting forth from you. Your costume would then be “Outside the Bachs”. You could also go as “Mothra Washington,” “Corn On Macabre” or “Greta Garb(o)age”.
09. Obscure Sports Icon of the ’90s – Who wouldn’t want to dress up as Rick Brunson, Eldridge Recasner, Gary Redus, Brook Jacoby, or Darnell Autry? I’ll tell you who, someone who wants to get noticed by a member of the opposite sex at a party. I guess that makes this a shitty costume idea if you want to bone down with some slutty nurse or slutty cat or slutty slut at a drunken good-time party, but if you’re just going to a bar with the boys (why would you do that on Halloween? That’s a bit gay…), why not try to out-butch one another with dumb sports costumes. I own an old Darnell Autry jersey (#24, Northwestern University), but I’ve got to wait at least another 10 years before he’s obscure enough to be a funny Halloween costume that won’t get me ostracized from all the pussy at the party.
08. Isaac Hayes or Bernie Mac – Don’t forget the toe tag!
07. Wall Street – All you have to do is scrawl “Wall Street” on a plain white t-shirt and then get black-out drunk. That will simulate how the market is “all over the place,” and people will be thinking that “no one really knows what the hell is going with ‘Wall Street’.” The best part is, you can walk up to any chick (or dude, if that’s your thing) at the party and point to your dick and say, “Wanna try your hand at stimulating the market?” And there really isn’t anything anyone can say about it.
06. Anti-Feminist – A lot of times when men dress in drag, they try to look as ugly as possible. That’s sort of what I pulled off last year when I dressed as PJ Harvey. I wasn’t trying to look ugly…but she’s such a masculine figure I just had to wear a mustache! I think a better costume idea would be to try and dress as the most attractive woman possible. Go so far as to shave off all your body hair, find a good wig and a nice dress, get a really close shave (wax your arms and legs too), and have a professional do your makeup and style your hair. Then when people ask what you are, you say, “I’m a complete dog!” Get it, because when a man doesn’t think a woman is attractive, he calls her a “dog”, and by dressing as a really fine-looking woman and calling her a dog, you’ll insult every single woman at the party. And that is how a memorable costume is made.
05. Yankees Fan – Wear a Yankees hat, look (and attempt to sound) like a fag, and tell everyone at the party that your team will be much better next year. Then go find the guy dressed like Derek Jeter at the party and proceed to blow him.
04. “Indie” Rocker – If you dress in a Peter Pan outfit and tell everyone you meet that you’re dressed as an “Indie” musician, you’re not only making a biting social commentary that calls attention to the fact that many “indie” musicians (the pop artists mostly) are preening, excessively-childlike wusses who refuse to act like a grown-up, you’re also showing the kind of intelligence and ingenuity that will totally get you laid by that girl in the corner who isn’t wearing a costume but has been drinking Pabst all night and making awkward conversation with all the hipster dudes at the party. Why? Because she doesn’t realize that she’s attracted to the macho confidence you’re exuding and, well, if she can’t fuck an “indie” nerd tonight she can settle for a guy who hates “indie” nerds.
03. This thing – Oh my god, if someone I knew went out dressed like that I think that person would instantly become my hero. I would follow you around all night like a dumb lackey, asking if I could buy you a beer or suck one of your dicks. It’d be that embarrassing. Second best costume is that Freda Kahlo childbirth painting.
02. Rapist – You don’t have to spend any money on a costume. You don’t have to buy any supplies or dig through your closet for the right arrangement of clothes. You just have to go out dressed as yourself, or wearing whatever you wore earlier that day, and you’re in costume. Then, when people ask what you’re supposed to be (and they’ll probably do so in a mocking tone, because they’ll think you went out without a costume like some unfunny bastard) you’ll fire right back at them, “Rapist,” and they will have to eat their words. It will be incredible. If you’ve never seen a person make the 180-degree turn from smug jackass into withering penis-head, this is your chance. You will not make many friends when you dress as a rapist, but hey, who the fuck seriously needs more friends?
01. Dead Heath Ledger – Everyone knows that the most common Halloween costume this year is going to be The Joker, from that Batman movie that came out this year. The Joker, as portrayed by Heath Ledger. One way to trump the douchebags who dress as Heath Ledger’s Joker would be to dress as Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Wouldn’t that piss off the legions of comic book geeks and guys who want to appear enigmatic and dangerous to all the ladies at the party! Well, I think a better idea would be to dress as a dead Heath Ledger. That should piss off everyone who’s dressed as The Joker and everyone who is dumb enough to think that Heath Ledger deserved a fucking Oscar for playing The Joker in a god damned Batman Movie. Ugh. Don’t even get me started. I figure the guy was probably wearing a white t-shirt and jeans when he um…overdosed. So really all you need is a couple bottles of pills glued to your shirt, or glued to one of your hands. Maybe a little dab of blood coming out of the corner of your mouth. I don’t know. Something like that. Be a dead Heath Ledger. Get on it.
Good luck kids. Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section, and I’ll see you again next October!
