It’s Friday night, and you’re reading this piece of shit. Do you know where your social life is?
While perusing some old top ten lists, I realized that there was a lot of dating advice contained within the archives. Why? I don’t know. Don’t take my advice. I spent the last three years of my life treating women like shit and having the time of my life…but that behavior is not for everyone. Well, if you’re spending your time on this website, odds are you don’t have any dates scheduled for the next few weeks (months, or years). If in fact you do, you need a contingency plan for getting out if shit gets too heavy (in a bad way — if shit gets heavy in a good way you fuck that bitch like there’s no tomorrow, you hear?). So, since I’m always giving you amazing dating advice, here’s some that will help you out of some potentially bad experiences.
Top Ten Ways To End A Date Early
Honorable Mention: The Stalker Game – Maryn suggests that once you sit down, you tell her, “Let’s play the stare and say nothing game, because that’s all I’ve been doing with you for the last month.” That one’s pretty funny, but only deserving of the honorable mention tag. Maryn, on the other hand, says, “I think that one is two thumbs up! Two thumbs way up! Two thumbs way up her cunt!”
10) Follow Her Into The Bathroom – And straight into the stall. When she turns around and sees you standing behind her, breathing heavily, you just say, “Listen, at some point, you and I might get to a place where we’re naked and urinating on each other, and…I don’t know about you, but I’ve got a pretty good feeling about ‘us’ so far. So, why not expedite the process by having me watch you pee right now?” Dude, you’re home free. Either way, you win. She can ask you to leave, and you will do so feeling a sense of accomplishment, or she can ask you to stay, and you can watch a girl pee! It’s amazing! Holy shit, why haven’t I done this before? I wish I could go back in time, so many times over…
09) Become A Sociopath – If you’ve had enough, but you’re still waiting for your appetizer or first round of drinks to arrive, don’t cancel your order. Stick around, but see if you can’t channel your inner Macaulay Culkin in The Good Son, or Brad Pitt in Kalifornia. In short, be a fucking insane creepy bastard with absolutely no conscience. Talk about torturing puppies and eating AIDS, or whatever the fuck it is crazy people talk about eating that freaks the rest of us out when we’re seated next to them on the bus or train. If she asks you about your family, tell ’em they’ve “gone away for a while,” and you’re “not sure where they are, but they’re definitely not all in large oil drums soaking in an acid bath for the next two weeks.”
08) Imply That She Has Dark Secrets – Conversation is a funny thing. At one moment, your date might believe you two have a lot in common, and there are no awkward gaps between stories or discussions, and the next moment she’s asking you to please leave and lose her phone number. Why? Because you decided that she’s boring, and that from now on, every time you finish speaking, you’re going to tag on an extra sentence that calls attention to some weirdly perverted dark secret she’s probably keeping from you. For example, you’re talking about how you played basketball in high school, and never really saw much game time. “But hey, you’ve sucked your brother’s penis before, so I’m sure you can relate.” Or, try this one. Your enchiladas arrive, and the red sauce is too spicy. You inform her that, “My taste buds are on fire, but that again, you’ve had that raging case of crabs ever since you fucked your father, so maybe I should just grin and bear it, like you do.”
07) Be The Woman Hater You Are – There’s nothing wrong with letting a little air of your date’s tires after she’s spent hours preparing for that pivotal first date. She even put on makeup, the little trollop. God, why didn’t she just take her heels off and grind her pussy all along the railing on the walk up from the subway. She’s had it coming ever since one of you agreed to the date, so don’t provide her any false hope by wasting precious time. Launch right into your first misogynist rant of the night as soon as you’re seated. Say something about how you hear this place is really cool, but the head chef is a woman so the dumb cunt probably adds a dash of menses to the bisque repeated acts of protest against the patriarchy. Ask your date questions about herself, but then slyly (or not-so-slyly) demean her by giving backhanded compliments. “Oh, you graduated with a degree in English? Well, someone has to raise the kids.” Get progressively nastier.
06) Try And Finger Her Under The Table – If the table is too long, try with your toe. Even if she squirms and tries to get away — don’t stop. That just means she’s horny and wants you to work for it. Think of her pussy a whack-a-mole, and every time she tries to get away from you, you have to look quickly for another opening. You see what I’m saying here? After five minutes of this game, you should be stark-fucking-naked, wielding your dick like a fire hose, trying to plug it into her mouth or her navel or her ear or anything she’s not covering. After another five minutes of this game, you’ll either be nursing a dick wound, or walking back to your apartment, where you’ll have plenty of time to read this blog.
05) Flirt With The Waitress – Don’t just flirt with her harmlessly, or even overtly. I mean like, ask her what time she gets off, and then tell her that you’re free if she wants to hang out and fuck or whatever. I’ve never actually said that to anyone while on a date with another girl, but I bet it would go over well with the waitress (she’ll see you as trouble, and women love trouble), and go over poorly with your date. I’m not a woman — I’ve never claimed to be one — but I’m pretty sure if I was out on a date with a guy and he started talking about fucking the waitress, I would end the date abruptly. Then I’d go cry and eat a quart of ice cream and shove my finger down my throat and puke it up, because that’s my idea of what women do after they go on dates. They’re just weak like that.
04) Test Her Sexual Capabilities – Does she have a strong chin? Does she look like she could take a load? Will she eat you out? Does she like to go bareback? Will she play with the taint? Is her backhand as strong as her forehand? Can her pussy win a tug-o-war over a dust ball with a vacuum? Will she let you lay sauce all over her head and massage it into her own scalp? All of these question need to be asked before you place your drink order. Once those drinks arrive, you’re pretty much obligated to stick around for the duration. Unless, of course, you try something else from this list. In which case, kudos to you, my friend. Your commitment to the cause is honorable. You’re winning at the game of life.
03) Poop your pants – I think that one’s self explanatory. Just sit there and let ‘er rip. If you don’t have to go, that’s even better, because you can sit there and squeeze and make those weird “I’m trying to shit” grunts and faces while continuing on with whatever conversation you’re having. This is NOT a joke. Seriously, if you’re on a bad date, would you rather stick it out and go home for the night (where you’re just going to listen to bad music and jerk off anyway) with a clean pair of pants, or would you rather shit yourself, leave early, and steal the “smelliest dude on the bus” award from that fat Mexican fuck who rides the bus all day and never showers and smells like burrito shits, then listen to bad music, jerk off, and cry yourself to sleep, in a shitty pair of pants.
02) Never Actually Go On A Date – You meet her in the park. You tell her you’re going to walk to this little place you know and love. Tell her she’ll love it. You walk a few blocks, to that non-descript building with the windows you can’t quite see into…you know, the whore house you visit sometimes when you’ve got a massive load built-up and you need someone else to crank one out for you. Take your date inside, tell her you’ll be back in five minutes, then go through with your whoring. If she’s still there when you get back…maybe the date is actually worth going through after all? Nah, if she’s still there, try something else from this list, end the date early, then go back to the whore — or that oriental massage place you love so much — for seconds.
01) Blow Your Brains Out – Lots of times you hear your friends tell you they met this girl who was so boring, they could have blown their brains out. They’re speaking in hyperbole, of course, no one is really boring enough to cause another person to actually take their own life. But…maybe…just this once…there is. Could you imagine the horror that girl would feel every day for the rest of her life whenever someone entered into conversation with her? She would be filled with such fear, she would never be able to have any sort of relationship (personal or otherwise) with anyone. Ever. …And you always said you’d never amount to anything. Dude, you just changed someone’s life forever! That’s amazing! If she goes into counseling and realizes that boys don’t want to hear about shoes and purses and The Hills, maybe she’ll reform herself. Then you’ll be a fucking saint. And you know that, in the afterlife, male saints get all the pussy.
